Story I chickened out last time, but this time is it. SN on February 3. Advice?

[BarnabasCollins]

Hey, everyone. First, I just want to thank the community here. You have all been a great help and comfort to me during the darkest days of my life. You are all amazing. Thank you.

So I initially planned to take SN on December 31. Unfortunately, I let false hope and maybe some SI talk me out of it. I feel like such a wuss. Things just keep hitting me one after another and it's been so much worse these last weeks. If I had just had the guts to go through with it on the 31st, all this suffering would never have been.

I just can't go on. I actively want to die now. This pain is so horrible and will not get any better. It will only get worse and worse. I cannot live with that. It's not a matter of feeling hopeless now; I actively want this awful existence to end.

I have some things to get in order first, but I set a date for February 3. I'm fighting the urge to just go ahead and drink my SN now, but I know I need to follow protocol, and there are loose ends I'd rather others not have to tie after I'm gone.

My plan is to fast for 24 hours. I have an antiemetic, but I plan on taking around 300-500 mg of quetiapine about an hour before the SN, and in my last thread, several very helpful people told me quetiapine is already a strong antiemetic and will interact negatively with another.

So my regimen is fasting with the quetiapine 40 to 60 minutes beforehand, painkillers 20 to 30 minutes before, and 30 g SN with a backup glass in case I puke.

I don't have access to benzos, but quetiapine has strong anti-anxiety and relaxing effects on me.

I guess if anyone has advice, I'd appreciate it. I've read here that I may thrash around on the way out. It may be best to get a motel room to prevent being found.

I really can't chicken out this time. I'm barely able to hold long enough to tie up my loose ends. I know this is the only path for me.

Thanks again, everyone. I love you guys.

 

[hikikomorizombie]

once u realize there's no logical option for u but to die, it's freeing tbh. things become really clear & kys becomes a certainty, not a choice. @ least that's how it was for me. i hope that it provides u w some extra peace when u ctb :)

ur method sounds v well thought out & planned. our Death Dates are close too!!! mine's Feb 5th (hopefully).

 

[BarnabasCollins]

once u realize there's no logical option for u but to die, it's freeing tbh. things become really clear & kys becomes a certainty, not a choice. @ least that's how it was for me. i hope that it provides u w some extra peace when u ctb :)

ur method sounds v well thought out & planned. our Death Dates are close too!!! mine's Feb 5th (hopefully).

Yeh, I see now that it's not just hopelessness I feel, but certainty that death is the only logical option. It's kinda the difference between just wanting the pain to end and really wanting to die. It is freeing. At least I'll get to play Tekken 8 before I go. Oddly, it's the only thing left for me to look forward to, and it feels like it will be that much more fun knowing it's the last go. My last bit of enjoyment before the end.

Thanks. You've really helped!

once u realize there's no logical option for u but to die, it's freeing tbh. things become really clear & kys becomes a certainty, not a choice. @ least that's how it was for me. i hope that it provides u w some extra peace when u ctb :)

ur method sounds v well thought out & planned. our Death Dates are close too!!! mine's Feb 5th (hopefully).

And hey, I wish you nothing but peace on your way out. I hope we both have safe travels and find rest.

 

[hikikomorizombie]

And hey, I wish you nothing but peace on your way out. I hope we both have safe travels and find rest.

thank u!! :) enjoy Tekken, i'm glad u still have things that bring u enjoyment. idk anything abt SN as a method so i'm sorry i couldn't really give any helpful advice abt that :// but good luck, i look forward to seeing any updates!!!<3

 

[BarnabasCollins]

thank u!! :) enjoy Tekken, i'm glad u still have things that bring u enjoyment. idk anything abt SN as a method so i'm sorry i couldn't really give any helpful advice abt that :// but good luck, i look forward to seeing any updates!!!<3

What's your method, if you don't mind my asking? I'll be here to support you while I'm here!

 

[hikikomorizombie]

What's your method, if you don't mind my asking? I'll be here to support you while I'm here!

tysm!!! :') my method's unfortunately jumping, my 4th choice. fast & instant if u do it right, but the SI is sooooo potent. feels like a physical barrier i can't get past >.<

 

[BarnabasCollins]

tysm!!! :') my method's unfortunately jumping, my 4th choice. fast & instant if u do it right, but the SI is sooooo potent. feels like a physical barrier i can't get past >.<

Yeh, SI is a bitch. I dealt with it, too. But the pain of the last couple of weeks has gotten rid of it for me, I think. I think if you just focus on the reasons why death is the logical choice it may get easier. I know for me, thinking of the hell that stretches out before me if I live helps with SI. I hope you can get past that barrier and find peace. I'm here to help however I can while I'm here!

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope that you find freedom from your suffering, best of luck.

 

[rozeske]

Best of luck on your plans. I wish you a painless and swift exit. I hope you can find your peace and freedom

 

[BarnabasCollins]

Thanks, everyone. I may move it up to this Sunday. I'm getting things taken care of faster than anticipated. I'll post as I do it for as long as I can so that my experience might be able to help others understand what to expect with SN.

 

[inneedrelief]

thank u!! :) enjoy Tekken, i'm glad u still have things that bring u enjoyment. idk anything abt SN as a method so i'm sorry i couldn't really give any helpful advice abt that :// but good luck, i look forward to seeing any updates!!!<3

Where are you jumping from and how many ft is it