reese in pieces
Member
- Nov 27, 2024
- 14
My previous post was all about recovery, what happened to that?
I moved back with my grandparents and my parents got divorced. I'm the reason why they got divorced. I used to live with my mom and my stepdad I didn't like at all and I wrote some fucked up stuff in some journals a while back and my mom decided to break it off with my stepdad and he went through my diaries about how I thought my mom was cheating. She wasn't, it was out of anger and spite. I also wrote it 1 or 2 years ago when I hated him, but before moving out I was okay with him. He wasn't the worst, he cooked good food for the most part. My mom seemed to be happy with him so I couldn't complain. My social life used to be terrible, I was groomed by a pedophile who raped his sister and used me as his own personal therapist when I was 15 and drank all the time to just even tolerate him, but then.. I did better. He graduated and I hanged out with people who really appreciated me and talked to teachers for advice and truly bloomed into a person with a future. Then out of nowhere I forgot I said I wanted to move out midway through my junior year so I did. I moved out back with my grandparents where there is no restrictions and it felt just like home. Until me and my mom were having a mother daughter date as usual after school. I saw she packed a ton of luggage's in the back and she proceeded to tell me that she broke it off with my stepdad and proceeded to tell me that my stepdad told her that I told him that she was cheating. I brushed it off knowing that I never truly talked to him in person about that stuff and how would he know that? But deep down I knew, that there was a possibility he went through my diaries for a 3rd time. My heart felt like it was sinking the entire time I was at my new school. I then get a phonecall from my mother and she just sobbed on the phone for an hour about how he went though my diary and how I wrote how I think he should die and how my moms a cheater. That the look of hurt in his eyes is nothing she can recover from, with her soft cries she told me that I wasn't the reason why theyre separating but I am a huge contributing factor. I can't tell you how much guilt I feel from this. We then hanged out again but she cried in the middle of the restaurant and left for an hour to take a breather. I feel horrible I did this to my mom. She can't even look me in the eye anymore. The only stable thing in my life truly collapsed and now I don't know what to do.
The past couple of days followed, I got high all of the time at school just so I can just be numb enough to not think about it, but then my grades dropped and I can't let anyone figure out I've been doing this so I quit and started drinking instead. And then day drinking, but I took to much nightquil at a friends house while drinking and passed out and someone overheard my story and made fun of me "overdosing on nightquil" from last night. Then today my friend took some of the alcohol I brought with me and drank it while driving and ran a couple of red lights and it was the first time I truly felt something. If that car crashed into anything like a pole and left me fucked up, people would care, or I'd learn to care about myself again. Also I didn't drink today because I just felt like shit and didn't want to prolong feeling like shit and left it in my pocket, I was gonna drink at lunch but I had a test to redo and I didn't want anyone to search my room if I had bad grades. It was also the first time I cut myself since 2024 and my arms and face stung all day. I could do all of this and no one will care if I died tomorrow I have more lives hurt than lives helped. I am a bad person. I am probably going to end up on the streets a drug addict or dead. There's nothing going for me anymore and the only person that truly believed in me cant even look me in the eyes. My phones front camera broke a couple days ago because I gone skating and havent looked at myself in a hot second and I looked horrible when I looked at myself in the mirror. I was just celebrating getting a job and getting a car and was hoping to get with a girl not anymore. I can't see a single person seeing anything in me. This is probably the 3rd divorced I've had to experience and I think true love doesn't exist anymore and I am a curse to the people I love. The only thing that makes me feel good is drinking at this point.
I moved back with my grandparents and my parents got divorced. I'm the reason why they got divorced. I used to live with my mom and my stepdad I didn't like at all and I wrote some fucked up stuff in some journals a while back and my mom decided to break it off with my stepdad and he went through my diaries about how I thought my mom was cheating. She wasn't, it was out of anger and spite. I also wrote it 1 or 2 years ago when I hated him, but before moving out I was okay with him. He wasn't the worst, he cooked good food for the most part. My mom seemed to be happy with him so I couldn't complain. My social life used to be terrible, I was groomed by a pedophile who raped his sister and used me as his own personal therapist when I was 15 and drank all the time to just even tolerate him, but then.. I did better. He graduated and I hanged out with people who really appreciated me and talked to teachers for advice and truly bloomed into a person with a future. Then out of nowhere I forgot I said I wanted to move out midway through my junior year so I did. I moved out back with my grandparents where there is no restrictions and it felt just like home. Until me and my mom were having a mother daughter date as usual after school. I saw she packed a ton of luggage's in the back and she proceeded to tell me that she broke it off with my stepdad and proceeded to tell me that my stepdad told her that I told him that she was cheating. I brushed it off knowing that I never truly talked to him in person about that stuff and how would he know that? But deep down I knew, that there was a possibility he went through my diaries for a 3rd time. My heart felt like it was sinking the entire time I was at my new school. I then get a phonecall from my mother and she just sobbed on the phone for an hour about how he went though my diary and how I wrote how I think he should die and how my moms a cheater. That the look of hurt in his eyes is nothing she can recover from, with her soft cries she told me that I wasn't the reason why theyre separating but I am a huge contributing factor. I can't tell you how much guilt I feel from this. We then hanged out again but she cried in the middle of the restaurant and left for an hour to take a breather. I feel horrible I did this to my mom. She can't even look me in the eye anymore. The only stable thing in my life truly collapsed and now I don't know what to do.
The past couple of days followed, I got high all of the time at school just so I can just be numb enough to not think about it, but then my grades dropped and I can't let anyone figure out I've been doing this so I quit and started drinking instead. And then day drinking, but I took to much nightquil at a friends house while drinking and passed out and someone overheard my story and made fun of me "overdosing on nightquil" from last night. Then today my friend took some of the alcohol I brought with me and drank it while driving and ran a couple of red lights and it was the first time I truly felt something. If that car crashed into anything like a pole and left me fucked up, people would care, or I'd learn to care about myself again. Also I didn't drink today because I just felt like shit and didn't want to prolong feeling like shit and left it in my pocket, I was gonna drink at lunch but I had a test to redo and I didn't want anyone to search my room if I had bad grades. It was also the first time I cut myself since 2024 and my arms and face stung all day. I could do all of this and no one will care if I died tomorrow I have more lives hurt than lives helped. I am a bad person. I am probably going to end up on the streets a drug addict or dead. There's nothing going for me anymore and the only person that truly believed in me cant even look me in the eyes. My phones front camera broke a couple days ago because I gone skating and havent looked at myself in a hot second and I looked horrible when I looked at myself in the mirror. I was just celebrating getting a job and getting a car and was hoping to get with a girl not anymore. I can't see a single person seeing anything in me. This is probably the 3rd divorced I've had to experience and I think true love doesn't exist anymore and I am a curse to the people I love. The only thing that makes me feel good is drinking at this point.
