Venting I can't wait for my next depressive episode

[dysthymia]

I used to dread my episodes but now I'm desperate for one bc I'm passively suicidal and I want to be actively suicidal! My active suicidal ideation is strong, there are no doubts left, so I'll ctb for sure (Also, where did ctb as a euphemism for suicide come from?). I guess Major Depressive Disorder is a blessing in a certain way. Persistent depression not so much

 

[Pangolin]

I agree a lot. I hate my passiveness, my active sucidality comes in waves that only last a few hours at most so I can't actually make any plans that will matter. I want it to get worse so that I have a legitimate reason and possibluty of doing it

 

[mortuarymary]

This depressive episode been 8 months, not one high at all. I miss my highs. I just want to sleep

 

[Forever Sleep]

I can understand hoping you'll get the impetus to act one day. For me, it's not so much a depressive mood but an event that I think could trigger me to CTB and I hope I do because I suspect the alternative would be worse.

As far as CTB- as I understand it, 'Catching The Bus' as a euphemism for suicide originated back when the forum had to be more careful about avoiding the actual term 'suicide'. I think people sometimes use it now because it sounds softer in a way.

 

[dinosavr]

Yasss. I'm hoping my next depressive episode will be the final one.

 

[notmyusername]

I understand this. I feel like I'm in constant limbo. I wish I could make up my mind and stick with it. I almost cbted during my last depressive episode, but it was interrupted. I had some positive moments since then, but also a lot of frustration since I was definitely going to do it and now I'm still here, stuck with the same feelings, too much of a pussy to do anything, and too flawed as a human to just live a happy life.

 

[BlessedBeTheFlame]

I'm currently in one again. They usually appear every other week or so and just hit me hard. I always hope for them to happen, so I can finally have the final push to CTB one time. It never seems to fucking work, but I just hope someday it'll push me over the edge.