I Can’t Understand Why I Am Sad

[Riu]

I live a normal life like everyone else, doing the same things as everyone else, getting the same things as everyone else, having the same things, but I seem to be the only one who can't handle life. Am I just weak? I don't even feel like I really deserve to be sad, I have no grand reason to be and everything plaguing my everyday life is because of me. I feel so lonely but that's all because of me. I push people away for no reason. When they try to help I get annoyed, but I don't even know why. Nowadays nobody even bothers with me anymore, but that's what I deserve right? I don't want to wake up everyday go to work and meet the same people who probably hate my guts. I mean, I never talk or anything and can't even muster up the courage to say thank you, how could anyone like someone like this? I honestly don't have high hopes for the future, I can only really see myself doing the same things over and over again. I don't understand why my life is like this. Why am I so weird? I can't even understand myself. How come everyone else seems so fine with their lives while I can't accept it? Am I still just childish? Are they going through the same thing and I just can't tell? I wish I could CTB, but what would my mother do? My family would be devastated, I can already imagine my parents arguing about how they raised me wrong or something like that. How would it influence my sister? I wish I could just pass due to an accident or something. Is there really a reason to live if I'm just wasting my life away doing the same things everyday? What am I doing wrong? Is it just my nature/personality to be pessimistic and depressed? Am I just born this way? Do I even have any real friends? Seems to me they wouldn't care if we never met again since they've already got their "besties". I am just replaceable to them. Why can't they feel the same way I feel about them, they're the few people that makes my life a little more interesting, but one by one, none of them think of me as their "best" or "favorite". I want to be someone's special person, but even when someone confesses, all I can think about is all the bad things they don't know about me. I can't even accept that someone could possibly like me with all my flaws, like what would they think after they found out all the things I hide? What even is the point, everyone has ghosted me as soon as I be myself to them. As soon as I tell them how I feel, they suddenly distance themselves or just act like nothing really happened. Am I just dramatic? I don't even know if my situation is bad or if I'm just being delusional and dramatic about everything anymore, besides it's not like my life is even that bad right? I have to be just attention seeking right? I don't have any real problems right? I'll be wiser and normal in the future right? I just don't understand anymore. If none of this even makes sense, I wouldn't be surprised because it's hard for me to even wrap my head around what I'm even thinking. It's like as soon as I try to picture it all at once my brain just stops. I think I'm just a horrible person who wastes other people's time with these "problems" of mine that I'm not even sure are real problems. I just need someone to tell me, am I a worthless crybaby who just can't stand being alone and needs attention all the time?
Sorry if I did something wrong, I am new here, please forgive me.

 

[exploitedbacteria]

Sorry to hear about the pain and sorrow that is haunting you. All of our issues stem from our formative years. I'd recommend looking to your family relationships, your parents, to understand what is happening… no matter how cliche it may sound. It's quite normal to struggle with the issues you have mentioned while trying to understand ourselves. Keep in mind that a variety of neuroses exist throughout society compounding on the severity of our issues. Maybe you are maladjusted for this reason or that, but others are just as screwed up in other ways. Cut yourself some slack, your social relations don't have to be perfect, learn to accept yourself for who you are and avoid people pleasing. Seeking validation from others is a fruitless pursuit. I have started to find answers by trying to understand humanities core motivations. The community is here for you and just remember that you do MATTER even though others may treat you otherwise.

 

[liffey]

I relate to a lot that you mentioned, that there isn't anything wrong with me except mentally and social life. It's hard to pick something wrong objectively and I've always thought everything is just in my head, which is why it's difficult to talk about it. I've always felt like I care about people more than they care about me, that I'm an afterthought and don't matter anyways.

It's a bit cliche, but your feelings are valid and you don't have to be too harsh on yourself. I have the problem of relying on others for validation but I always remind myself that spiritual fulfilment cannot be found within others.

"It is difficult to find happiness within oneself, but it is impossible to find it anywhere else." - Arthur Schopenhauer
Although I don't fully agree with the quote as some forms of happiness from forming bonds with others are irreplaceable, you should probably still find hobbies that you enjoy and find happiness within yourself. I got into philosophy a bit and it's rewarding to me. I'm not saying that you must be interested in the same thing as I do to feel better but understanding yourself is very important, and everything comes after that.

 

[OceanBlue]

You are not being dramatic or weak, you were brought into a dangerous place without consent and your brain is not defending you well enough against these realizations. People who say they are "OK" in this world are clueless, I wouldn't aspire to be one of them.

You were wronged by being created, I'm sorry it happened to you.

 

[HOPING]

How come everyone else seems so fine with their lives while I can't accept it? Am I still just childish?

Reading your words, I can't help but feel like you're speaking about me directly, the more i read the more i relate. I understand how you feel, and I've been searching for answers too. Can I ask if you if you also experience mood swings like me? Sometimes I feel normal and calm usually I'm out or distracted, but when I'm alone, I feel not just sad, but empty.

 

[FuneralCry]

Your feelings are perfectly valid and to me it's very much understandable disliking existing in this cruel world, I cannot understand how anyone would actually wish to stay here. But anyway best wishes.

 

[Riu]

Reading your words, I can't help but feel like you're speaking about me directly, the more i read the more i relate. I understand how you feel, and I've been searching for answers too. Can I ask if you if you also experience mood swings like me? Sometimes I feel normal and calm usually I'm out or distracted, but when I'm alone, I feel not just sad, but empty.

I feel like I change personalities throughout the day or days, one day I can give all the kindness in my heart out and the next I can be super mean even to my friends. Maybe there are things that trigger this but I haven't found any reasons behind it. Even the smallest things can ruin my day like messing up what I say.

 

[exploitedbacteria]

I feel like I change personalities throughout the day or days, one day I can give all the kindness in my heart out and the next I can be super mean even to my friends. Maybe there are things that trigger this but I haven't found any reasons behind it. Even the smallest things can ruin my day like messing up what I say.

It's very difficult to observe ourselves objectively. Psychological breakthroughs occur when we can finally understand our behaviors in a way that makes sense to us. Others can try to help you understand, but unfortunately it may just be a long process of critical thinking and self reflection to liberate yourself from whatever is motivating your behaviors. Often times, we become resistant to the truth, we will either block it out entirely or become angry when someone suggests something that is true. It's a process of self discovery that might take a lot of time, you might not be ready to see the truth right now. Take it from someone who is 44 and has had 25 years of mental health counseling trying to grapple with very similar issues. It sounds like you are a sensitive individual who is probably very intelligent trying to cope with whatever life dumped on you.