I believe that I can relate to this, I think?
Forgive me I've missed the point entirely. Although the CoVid crisis has largely scuppered this kind of work, alongside my duties as a hypnotherapist and a researcher, I worked in the film industry as a cinematographer. I get extremely nervous before every shoot, no matter how much preparation I do, no matter how many times I go through it, I am also always striving for perfection - if you've ever been on a working film set, you'll know that is impossible to achieve.
Sometimes you just have to live with that ugly shadow because the assistant director is yelling about the schedule, time is money. You're under pressure, you just have to leave it. It sticks out like a sore thumb to you, but nobody else notices it, most importantly, the director is happy. You watch the dailies and all of the brilliant work you've done that day just feels 'tainted' in some small way by that tiny mistake. The film is edited and processed and you see it projected properly for the very first time at the premiere, it's turned out a lot better than you remember it and everybody is happy. The director complements you and brings you on board for the next project - the last film was brilliant he says, but you still feel like a fraud.
Pre-production for the next project rolls around, this one has a larger budget than before and you have even more creative freedom which also means more responsibility.
Last time was just a fluke you snap to yourself, now there are expectations, there's pressure to match and exceed the work you did last time, to push at creative and technical boundaries. I understand the constant drive for perfection, it's a high stakes game - the end result is good, but to get there is a ridiculous amount of stress and pressure that would be largely avoided if you could just accept from the outset that there will be mistakes and that's okay.
Again, I suspect I've missed the point, but that's my own experience and interpretation of it anyway.
