Welcome to SS @alonetomuch ! You're with good company now. I urge you not to rush into this. I and others don't want you to have to live with more issues, suffering and regret from the consequences of a failed attempt. Sadly our natural biology often doesn't make it easy for us to escape. So unless you have a more sure way of escape then I am sad to inform you that you will likely have to endure. I understand it doesnt change your circumstances but I hope that it can comfort you to know that you arnt alone in this. There are many of us enduring a hellish reality with you and we offer our time, support, understanding, experiences, and best efforts to help you.
Peace and Love