i literally cant fucking stand myself. i feel so different to everyone else, and i know no matter how i try to explain no one will get it. i know its shallow but i literally am different, not in a good way, and its killing me. i hate every single thought that goes through my mind i feel too self aware but i dont want to get help. i dont want to die; that would bring too much attention, my mom would get sad, people would think of me, they would wonder why i did that, speak about me. i dont want that. i want to be gone, like i had never been born. i literally wasted all of my life and i cant stand myself at this point, every single day i wake up and i find more reasons to why im a failure. what i fear is that this is what i was meant to be. the only thought that makes me somewhat happy right now is that in some alternate reality i didnt fuck up, im happy, or normal at least. i literally dont do anything except going to school right now and i have no plans for the future. i just want to be gone, but im so scared of dying simply because of the fact that ill have to be found, buried, mourned. i just wish id never been born, im a waste of space. i dont want to tell that to anyone, i bullshit my psychologist because i know theres no cure to that, and i dont want there to be. shes not gonna help me, i knew that already, i honestly just wanted someone to care about me thats the one reason i go see her. i take meds, only zoloft right now, and a really small dose, probably because its not that serious. i dont want it to help, i dont want to be alive, i dont want to get better, i just want to be gone
