Distractions don't seem to help anymore. Music doesn't help, and I loved that most. I don't want any sweets or food. It's like I've lost all interest in material things. I feel more tired, I just want it to end. I can only dream about how I'd look and feel in the afterlife. I'd dance on water like Jibaro. I'd be weightless, limitless, shapeless.
I don't know how to feel about my family anymore. They see me go through this and choose to turn a blind eye, my body feels foreign and deformed. I'm angry at my mother for bringing me into this world, with no plan, rhyme or reason. I hate my biological father, who abandoned me before I was even born. I almost want to say I hate them both. I feel infantile, but I've seen and experienced so much. I feel like a scared lost child most days in a stranger's body.
I just want to go home. I want to return to the universe or where ever it is I came from, even if it means I'll lose myself and become nothing. I'm so tired. I didn't ask for this. They say we chose to come here but I refuse to believe it, we must be truly selfless. No angel or holy being could hold a candle to the feat that we humans must pull off--in order to survive in this world. Every day I see the same colored walls, hear the same music, feel so deeply the same aches and pains, eat the same thing, watch the same movies and shows--and my family they all say the same thing, like clockwork, like groundhog's day. If there's a God willing to put end to this insanity, I beg of you.
I don't know how to feel about my family anymore. They see me go through this and choose to turn a blind eye, my body feels foreign and deformed. I'm angry at my mother for bringing me into this world, with no plan, rhyme or reason. I hate my biological father, who abandoned me before I was even born. I almost want to say I hate them both. I feel infantile, but I've seen and experienced so much. I feel like a scared lost child most days in a stranger's body.
I just want to go home. I want to return to the universe or where ever it is I came from, even if it means I'll lose myself and become nothing. I'm so tired. I didn't ask for this. They say we chose to come here but I refuse to believe it, we must be truly selfless. No angel or holy being could hold a candle to the feat that we humans must pull off--in order to survive in this world. Every day I see the same colored walls, hear the same music, feel so deeply the same aches and pains, eat the same thing, watch the same movies and shows--and my family they all say the same thing, like clockwork, like groundhog's day. If there's a God willing to put end to this insanity, I beg of you.
