monetpompo
૮ • ﻌ - ა
- Apr 21, 2025
- 533
nighttime insomnia rant
i used to jerk off to sleep but i don't anymore because jerking off makes me want to cry instead. it's been a long time since i've wanted to do it at all, since it just seems to remind me of how lonely i feel as a trans person. i feel too undesirable to want to touch myself anymore. maybe it's another thing i ruined with my own self loathing.
i seem to be up at night every night because i feel too lonely and i'm thinking about my failed relationships and how the people in my life must have people that care about them. i feel like i'm kind of just unattractive now, even if i still look the same way i did last year, because i'm so alone. i can't seem to find any new people to talk to and the people that i want to talk to have busier schedules and people that they can see in real life, while i just exist on people's phones.
the more nights i have where i'm staring off at nothing in the dark and the sheer number of nights that i'm going to feel the exact same way if i don't kill myself are terrifying. i've been taking zzquill (dph) before bed but i'm worried about becoming dependent on it for sleep. i'm starting to feel like i'm just annoying everyone around me. i don't even want to text people because i can't stop feeling annoying, and then i consequently become more annoying by saying sorry too much. i feel too self conscious and i hate how much reassurance i need to not feel annoying. i hate when people are busy because i think that me texting them might mean that i'm bothering them, but if i delete my text then i look too anxious and they know i deleted my text because they still got the notification for it.
i just want to not talk to anyone, but that would make my life worse probably. it's hard for me to work towards any goal of mine at all if i feel so embarrassed of everything i do and say. if i had a different method than hanging, then i probably would've died a few days ago because i just seem to hate myself so much. i know my problems are fixable and have solutions if i just stayed alive, but i feel so tired. i'm expected to want to get better, but it feels like it's for other people's sake instead of my own. am i fucked up for wanting to die instead of become a better person? i think about all the work i'd have to do to wrench myself out of the mindset that i deserve to hate myself and to be alone, and i think about hanging, and it's like-- one of them is way quicker to do. i'm also just tired of living with my parents indefinitely. i'm tired of everything, so it's way harder for me to work towards getting better at all. i don't know how to get better if i don't have any support in the first place. i can't just get better if people tell me i can eventually be happy. how do i gain the motivation to live for years and years without being happy in order to eventually become happy?
i think that i'm just fighting with myself, because i've pushed a lot of people away with my mindset. i just end up talking to the memories of the people in my life that used to be there and i'm telling them they're wrong, even if no one's even listening to me talk anymore. i feel like a loser. i wish that i just died in september, or back in may, or last year. i don't know why i'm still here. i feel so purposeless that it makes me heart ache. it doesn't feel like a single person in my life is interested in what i have to say, because i have nothing new to tell them. it's always going to be the same with me while everyone else changes. sometimes i'm worried that the act of talking to me is a chore to people and they secretly just want me to not reach out again. i can't stand staying awake at night. the encroaching anxiety just makes me pick up my phone again to avoid thinking too deeply.
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