Venting I cant process my emotions

[snowlance]

I'm high and depressed af so sorry in advance.

More like I cant process anything. I dont think it's all hit me yet, I've been in survival mode since i got kicked out. Idk what the fuck to do. This isn't the same as last time. Last time my anxiety wasn't so bad that I could still do uber and spark somewhat to buy car insurance and keep some kind of income, something going. I had a lot more people reaching out and offering help, more people to talk to, now everything just feels so empty. The biggest thing is that I was getting back into my passion again. I was making mods for Lethal Company and I made 8 of them that turned out to be kinda popular. I was learning how to program again and thought I could go somewhere. But that's what I keep forgetting life does, it makes you invested in something, discover something worth moving forward for, and strips it away. Every single time my life has been "I shouldn't get my hopes up" and I'm always right but my stupid brain thinks "oh maybe this time it'll work if i do things differently". I miss it so fucking much, I would program again over drugs or anything else at this point. It was fun again, for the first time since I got my degree on 2016, it was actually fun again. I just need it to not be stressful, that's what ruined it last time. But none of that matters now because I'm homeless again. All my mod ideas and game ideas, I was gonna touch at unity a bit and try to make a small game after modding for some time, all of that just fucking gone in an instant. It feels like everything is ripped away from me one by one all my life. When does it end? My ambitions went from "I want to travel the world, make my own game company" to "ill program for a company and do game design on the side, travel to japan at least once" to "I'll live with my bf and go to places sometimes maybe" to "I'll live in my car do uber to survive" to "I'm okay with just living with my friend until I get bored and/or die" to "please someone save me I don't know what to do, disability save me please" and now I'm in my car deciding whether to go inpatient or not. I promised my friend we'd move in together, thats my only goal now. Please don't take that away from me too...
I've been so our of it since I was kicked out last week. I dont feel anything, being outside my car makes me super uncomfortable and anxious and I feel so out of it all the time...
Everything feels like a dream, or like I'm playing a character in a video game...
I love the ambient noises like the cars driving on the freeway, the wind, cars driving by, people talking in the distance. I hate being around or involved with them though, like sudden car door slams near me startle me. Or kids yelling.

 

[notforl0ng]

Hi friend, I've been homeless three times since I was 18, two of them were hell but the other one I had a car with my ex girlfriend. It's such a shock every single time, to have your safe space yanked from underneath you. Homelessness usually happens suddenly and if you aren't prepared it can be devastating. In all of my cases I was usually rotting in my room, not speaking to people for weeks or months at a time and then suddenly I'm thrust into hell. Having a car is such a massive bonus it isn't even funny! If you're smart about where you park and sleep you can totally get to a degree of safety. I had to sleep in beg bug infested men's shelters where everybody there was on crack, heroin, fentanyl or some combination of that shit and they'd try to steal from my backpack while I slept using it as a pillow. I ended up moving to a tent. A car is a massive advantage, in fact I don't even consider it homeless. Houseless maybe haha but you can totally make a car a temporary home and get what you need done.

It sounds like you're going through derealization right now and that definitely isn't the end of the world even though we all wish that would just happen It's amazing that you have a friend right now to speak to, staying grounded is important. Try to focus on the things you do have that are positive right now. That game development prospect is still there. You just hit a bump in the road that is easily reversible. So many people get the start to their career by doing exactly what you are with mods for Lethal Company. Whatever you choose to do, it sounds like you have somebody who cares about you and that's an amazing thing to have in such a rough time. Whether you choose to CTB sooner or later, you have a passion in life that maybe isn't worth giving up on. That's just my two cents though, not to sound like a pro-lifer (I am absolutely not). I'm only saying this because it sounds like maybe you found a reason to keep fighting.

Have you tried looking into the resources your town or city offers for homeless people? I've seen places that offer temporary housing, but they're few and far between. I know a few people who slept in storage units and had nothing but great things to say during the warmer months haha. They're a bit safer than a car with windows that anybody can look into. Walmart parking lots are your best friend. Sorry if any of this is shit you didn't want to hear. I do be a yapper sometimes.

If you want any advice from someone who's been there you can shoot me a message.