I can’t love I feel like a heartless person

[sereneidentity]

I've had a relationship not long ago with a guy .. if you can even call it a relationship .. I gave love a try but I couldn't love after all .. I don't know why? I mean this guy was the kindest guy who gave me the prettiest compliments and said the nicest things to me but… I didn't feel anything .. I was thankful and I hope this guy genuinely finds a partner for life and peace .. but I just can't seem to fall in love .. and that hasn't been the only case .. whenever i try loving someone I fail .. and don't get me wrong I'm craving the feeling of beeing loved and cared for I want someone to hug me without speaking just a simple hug I want a connection but I can't seem to love .. even when I do fall in love , once the other person returns their love I lose every sense of feelings towards that person and I don't know why . I've been thinking maybe it's cause of past experiences maybe it's cause of my toxic relationship with my mom or the absence of my dad .. I just really don't know why I am this way … now i broke up with guy I was in this kind of relationship with .. and I wrote I'm a 10 page text about how I feel and even that wasn't enough to say the whole truth since my guilt of hurting him held me back on telling him about the whole truth .. I feel like a shitty person.. i probably am .

I just can't love . Maybe that's also a reason why I don't have any significant connection to this world since love is a thing that holds most people to this place.
But why am I so sad .. I've been daydreaming days and days about dying and nobody caring .. I've been imagining laying on the cold floor slowly fading away and there would be no one to actually care .. and I've been also thinking everyone who shows me some kind of affection is just doing it out of pity and it's not actually genuine cause sorry how can you like someone like me that's just weird when there are so many better people in this place I can count them down for you .. why choose me … I keep thinking it's either pity or they have some malicious intentions.. idk .. I'm confused (sorry for my bad grammar im not fluent in this language)

 

[SixNeufUn]

Yeah... Very similar experiences I feel you

 

[qw3rty259]

I gave love a try but I couldn't love after all .. I don't know why? I mean this guy was the kindest guy who gave me the prettiest compliments and said the nicest things to me but… I didn't feel anything ..

as they say "Perfect don't mean that it's working..."

even when I do fall in love , once the other person returns their love I lose every sense of feelings towards that person and I don't know why .

I'll say nothing useful. It just reminded me how in my childhood I wanted some toy, drooled upon it whenever I'd got to the store, and asked my mom to buy it all the time. But as soon as I'd get the toy in my hands it'd quickly start to be boring... I think a lot of people have experienced it. Looks like this kind of reaction can also be projected to other spheres of our lives for some reason. It's something that is related to the release of dopamine. That chemical is produced when we want something. I understand the feeling and I think the lowering of the interest to some adequate extent is okay, cause it can (and usually) come up again later. It's also okay to be in not very long-lasting relationships depending on what you want and what brings you joy

 

[Hollowman]

I can't love anymore it's awful.

 

[sereneidentity]

as they say "Perfect don't mean that it's working..."

I'll say nothing useful. It just reminded me how in my childhood I wanted some toy, drooled upon it whenever I'd got to the store, and asked my mom to buy it all the time. But as soon as I'd get the toy in my hands it'd quickly start to be boring... I think a lot of people have experienced it. Looks like this kind of reaction can also be projected to other spheres of our lives for some reason. It's something that is related to the release of dopamine. That chemical is produced when we want something. I understand the feeling and I think the lowering of the interest to some adequate extent is okay, cause it can (and usually) come up again later. It's also okay to be in not very long-lasting relationships depending on what you want and what brings you joy

I used to give the relationship time and thought "what if I'll develop feelings along the way" but no matter how long I've went along with that relationship I just couldn't develop any feelings even tho I really think he's a great person … and you know, it might be okay to not be in a long lasting relationship and stuff like that… but my main problem is I can't even be in short term relationship, cause I don't feel anything from it. I can't explain myself. It's just I'd rather fantasise about the thought of having someone to love and someone to love me back but when I get to actually experience it ..it doesent go as planned since I just can't seem to open up my heart and it frustrates me .. I want to love I don't want to just daydream about it but I just can't ?.. I feel so lonely and at the same time it's my fault in a way isn't it ..?

 

[qw3rty259]

it's my fault in a way isn't it ..?

It's not a "fault", there's nothing bad in feeling certain way, and moreover you're honest with your partners about it, so you did nothing bad. just trust the process if it brings you at least some joy, maybe you'll eventually find what you're looking for