But I can still be mad about it and rant for 15 minutes from now until my rage subsides and I just go "meh, clicks post thread". In this thread I mainly want to talk about the advice I'm getting/got from others, it is truly horrendous.
Do you know how many times people have told me that drugs/alcohol are the answer? (I won't consume them, I could but I won't because I hate lies and that's the biggest lie of them all, it's not the drugs not working, it's me not wanting them to work and that's okay.), how many times I was told that a child would fix this (hell no.), that a pet would fix this (no. I would just harm the pet, not intentionally but by negligence.), that working out might fix this (I'm trying, have dysphoria, it does nothing because I have T and I look more like I don't want rather than how I want.) that religion would fix this (hell no.) that sex would fix this (hell fucking no. that feels like rape for me.), that books, music or games are the answer (they are again, distractions from the truth and I hate lies, I've been consuming less and less of every single fictional media as I'm getting closer to death.) or god forbid, a combination of these with multiple people(which I'm sure they see as people and not as toys)! wow that sounds amazing! And my own advice is wrath and revenge, which is also a hell no because I made a promise to myself, my child self and the world can go fuck itself for all I care, they pale in comparison to that kid, that kid was more special to me than anything. And meds/therapy obviously, that one is normal superficial advice that everyone gives before giving their own "unique" advice which I already went over.
So to recapitulate, the advice that people/therapists/psychiatrists have given is so DUMB, ITS SO FUCKING DUMB AND IDIOTIC AND I HATE IT WITH EVERY SINGLE FIBER OF MY BEING which is impossible because I already use every fiber of my being to hate myself...UNLESS the Banach-Tarski paradox. But I don't go off on these people, because, how could they know my situation, right? they just want to help the best way they can. The ones who could actually be considered responsible and deserve my rage and frustration are my parents first and foremost for having me, this is just impossible to debate because if they hadn't had me, I wouldn't be here. It's not rocket science. Now, they weren't good parents, not at all, and that has given me my own biases towards them but it doesn't matter, right? many people have amazing families and mental illness takes them, it's just is like that.
Anyways, every single time I read some advice that I KNOW will not work on me and see others push it as an answer, I just get sad you know? Like I'm a person too believe it or not, I do have emotions other than anger, knowing that their advice means squat to me and is more likely to do more harm than good and on top of that, it's actual good advice for a lot more people, it kinda bums me, like, why me? what did I even do? why can others have access to some advice that can help them, goals that they can strive towards and I'm just here, broken? it just sucks and it makes me want to die even more. Like why am I even living? I'm not helping anyone, not even one victim that still has an ounce of hope and capability of coming back from trauma, who's gonna help? the neurotypicals that give me the advice to drug and fuck myself until I pass out even when they know of my traumas and that these two are triggers for me? the abusers of the victims I aforementioned earlier? of course not.
I'm one of the only people who can see this world for what it is and I sit here like a coward, can't even call myself a woman, can't even call myself a person; and me typing this out doesn't bring any shame, my face isn't turning red, I don't feel any dread or regret, it's fine, I always pitied myself, nah. I was and still am a piece of shit. I will have a couple of opportunities in early january, don't know if I'll take 'em but I'd rather die as a mid 20's piece of shit who was only a piece of shit for 20 something years rather than a 30+ year old piece of shit, at least I'd die looking a little good-er than I am. Imagine that I just made a post about a performative society aswell, haha, hun, you're as performative as the society you're criticizing.
Do you know how many times people have told me that drugs/alcohol are the answer? (I won't consume them, I could but I won't because I hate lies and that's the biggest lie of them all, it's not the drugs not working, it's me not wanting them to work and that's okay.), how many times I was told that a child would fix this (hell no.), that a pet would fix this (no. I would just harm the pet, not intentionally but by negligence.), that working out might fix this (I'm trying, have dysphoria, it does nothing because I have T and I look more like I don't want rather than how I want.) that religion would fix this (hell no.) that sex would fix this (hell fucking no. that feels like rape for me.), that books, music or games are the answer (they are again, distractions from the truth and I hate lies, I've been consuming less and less of every single fictional media as I'm getting closer to death.) or god forbid, a combination of these with multiple people(which I'm sure they see as people and not as toys)! wow that sounds amazing! And my own advice is wrath and revenge, which is also a hell no because I made a promise to myself, my child self and the world can go fuck itself for all I care, they pale in comparison to that kid, that kid was more special to me than anything. And meds/therapy obviously, that one is normal superficial advice that everyone gives before giving their own "unique" advice which I already went over.
So to recapitulate, the advice that people/therapists/psychiatrists have given is so DUMB, ITS SO FUCKING DUMB AND IDIOTIC AND I HATE IT WITH EVERY SINGLE FIBER OF MY BEING which is impossible because I already use every fiber of my being to hate myself...UNLESS the Banach-Tarski paradox. But I don't go off on these people, because, how could they know my situation, right? they just want to help the best way they can. The ones who could actually be considered responsible and deserve my rage and frustration are my parents first and foremost for having me, this is just impossible to debate because if they hadn't had me, I wouldn't be here. It's not rocket science. Now, they weren't good parents, not at all, and that has given me my own biases towards them but it doesn't matter, right? many people have amazing families and mental illness takes them, it's just is like that.
Anyways, every single time I read some advice that I KNOW will not work on me and see others push it as an answer, I just get sad you know? Like I'm a person too believe it or not, I do have emotions other than anger, knowing that their advice means squat to me and is more likely to do more harm than good and on top of that, it's actual good advice for a lot more people, it kinda bums me, like, why me? what did I even do? why can others have access to some advice that can help them, goals that they can strive towards and I'm just here, broken? it just sucks and it makes me want to die even more. Like why am I even living? I'm not helping anyone, not even one victim that still has an ounce of hope and capability of coming back from trauma, who's gonna help? the neurotypicals that give me the advice to drug and fuck myself until I pass out even when they know of my traumas and that these two are triggers for me? the abusers of the victims I aforementioned earlier? of course not.
I'm one of the only people who can see this world for what it is and I sit here like a coward, can't even call myself a woman, can't even call myself a person; and me typing this out doesn't bring any shame, my face isn't turning red, I don't feel any dread or regret, it's fine, I always pitied myself, nah. I was and still am a piece of shit. I will have a couple of opportunities in early january, don't know if I'll take 'em but I'd rather die as a mid 20's piece of shit who was only a piece of shit for 20 something years rather than a 30+ year old piece of shit, at least I'd die looking a little good-er than I am. Imagine that I just made a post about a performative society aswell, haha, hun, you're as performative as the society you're criticizing.
