Mea Culpa
Mea Culpa, Mea Maxima Culpa, Kyrie Eleison
- Sep 22, 2023
- 173
Story/Vent
Very long read, I apologize for the inconvenience. Just had allot to say.
As the title suggests, I cant do anything right. I'm a failure at life and I also failed in dying. Now it feels as though I've ruined my life even further.
Since I've disappeared from the site, I've spiraled hard. I tried to die. Constantly, and the constant failures have built upon each other and I couldnt handle it any more.
I finally told my bestie what was going on. He said he wasnt mad, but there were definitely changes in his demeanor and attitude. He was someone I've talked to about this before, except when I started actively attempting, I kept it to myself. I felt guilty hiding things from him... then I just couldnt handle it anymore.
One day he just blew up at me, calling me a liar and just being mean and horrible. I told him I'd go to the hospital in another town to seek help. I know I've been stressing him out with my suicidality, so I dont blame him for lashing out.
I enter the hospital with my partner. Told them what was going on, that I'd been trying to hang myself. My partner even told them he would prefer I stay at least overnight. They discharged me the same night. Didnt even keep me for a night.
I wanted to prove that I did wanna give it a try, recovery. And I felt like a complete failure. Everyone kept recommending this place to me and they turned me away. Someone who was crying, trying to die. Maybe I should've lied to get in or self harmed. Bestie told me though, I made the right choice and it wasnt my fault. But it felt like it was
Bestie is growing distant it felt like. Partner growing stressed. It's all my fault. I did this to myself. Bestie stopped greeting me "Good Morning Sunshine" in the morning.
Its begun, my worst fears being realized. It starts with the small things, ends with big. I'm losing the things I love and care about.
Thursday, Feb 29th, I woke up to no sunshine once again. And I felt so empty, so dead. I decided that morning I'm not gonna respond to anyone. I'm going to go to the local hospital again. The one that failed me before and give it 1 more chance.
2 nights before I self harmed. I was mulling over the idea of the local ward as things kept spiraling. So I wanted to be sure they kept me. Show I'm not a liar and theres still a small part of me that wanted to be here. Maybe try to fix what I've broken..
I'm there. I told 2 nurses "please call my emergency contacts and let them know I'm here. They do t know where I am." They told me they would. I meet my evaluator, we talk, and... I started feeling a little ok. Like maybe I was making the right decision.
I am told that I'm an involuntary admit. So theres no way I can be discharged no matter how hard I try. That should be good right? I get wheeled in. Called my partner and told him where I was. Apparently the nurses did not call him or my bestie so there was allot of panic. That's nice.
Bestie said he was proud of me for making the decision on my own. Hes happy that I want to get help. Him and my partner were so proud of me. It felt so good.
Friday I meet with the doctor. And he screened me for Borderline personality disorder. I checked all 9 symptoms. And it felt good. An actual diagnosis. It fit like a puzzle piece. I finally have a legitimate name for what's wrong with me.
Everyone was happy that things seem to be off at a better start this time. Bestie said he would call me saturday. He didnt. Maybe he forgot? He doesnt like doing phone calls allot. But I wish I had a reason at least. My partner being the messenger.
That saturday night, they played together over games. My partner said he and bestie both had a good time. Laughing and stuff, staying up super late and all. I had actually made a request for them as well. My birthday had passed. And I didnt eant to live to it or passed it. And with all my failures in trying to die... I wasnt ok. I was angry. Wanted nothing, wanting to be alone. So I requested if we can do a do over. Like a sleep over. Everyone agreed.
So far things were going well. I had a diagnosis, I liked the people I was with in the ward, bestie and partner are happy and a sleep over was in my future.... until bestie started talking less....
He was responding to my partner less and less. I tried to reach out but he kept rejecting my calls... then I find out that the doctor whom diagnosed me, went on vacation. So I had to see a new doctor monday.
I hate this man. He wouldnt allow me to answer his questions. He wanted "specific" answers. I asked for an example and his reply was "no you're giving ME an example" I wasnt free to answer questions. He never asked me about my suicidality, self harm, depression. None of that. Instead, I got vitamins for acne (he asked me if I had skin problems, I have eczema, not acne.) And gave me a vitamin for cramps? And gave me a pill that's supposed to calm my mind and help me sleep. Hey, it didnt work.
Tuesday, bestie is even more silent. I have to see the same doctor again. All the patients I was with that I talked to were being discharged. At least... the ones that talked... I was hoping to be released that day. I felt terrible after the first meeting with the doc. Never asked me about anything regarding my actual mental health. I put in a note to an attorney so if they hadn't released me within 72 hrs, I would take them to court. I hated that doctor so much. The hospitals social worker even stated to him that I am not a harm to myself.
The meeting with the doctor happened. My abandonment issues? Lack of zinc. My self esteem issues? Vitamin deficiency. Everything that was wrong with me? Vitamin deficiency. I even asked about my previous diagnosis from the main doc on vacation.
"I dont think you have BPD! Youre mentally healthy! You just lack vitamins! Are you on the beginning of your menstrual cycle middle or end?"
And just like that, my traumas, my life, my diagnosis. Completely invalides and no. I was no where near the start of my next cycle, I was not on it. To top it off, i was to stay one more night for more pills to see if they work. I cried. I cried a lot. To my evaluator and social worker. My social worker said shed make sure I hot out the next day.
I cried myself to sleep. Next day. Nothing at all from bestie. I walk back and forth down the hall and heard a nurse in the station talking angrily. The doctor saw a very young patient. Anxiety, depressed self harm suicidal. And told her it was just her period. The nurse was mad. I pulled her aside and explained that's what happened to me. Hopefully a talk has been had because this has been a persistent problem.
3rd meeting. I'm eager ready to go. I just lie through my teeth. I feel destroyed. I finally get out. Left bestie a message and go home. My partner texts him, asks if he possibly upset him. He says no. Just needs to be alone. Didnt message me. Late at night I tell him goodnight. Two days later I sent him a picture of my dog to maybe see if thatll help. Another day later he thanked me for the picture.
I'm so worried about him. It's been the longest weve all gone without talking to each other.
In the end of it all... it was my fault... did he need me and I couldnt be there for him? I couldve reaches out sooner and I had no excuse. What if hes still upset about what I've been hiding? Did something happen at home? His parents are horrible people... maybe he realised hes happier without me... is he blowing us off for a new video game? He hasn't blocked our numbers or unfriended us on anything.... My partner is so stressed out and I try to help him feel better but nothings working. I tried talking to one of the patients that gave me their number... she doesnt remember who I am...
Nothings working. I'm gonna lose everything. I should've ctb. Everytime I make a "right" decision, an avalanche of shit happens. When I try to fix the things I break things break more. I should've kept my mouth shut and ctb. I think I'm gonna start trying again. I've ruined these peoples lives, I never deserved them. Everyone was happy and we were gonna have a sleepover and I had so much I wanted to talk to everyone about and it all just shattered in my hands. I still havent heard from bestie after he thanked me for the picture. I dont think hes gonna come back and it's all my fault. I should've just kept it to myself. Why did I even do that, he had 2 friends die already from ctb. Why would I fucking say that? Why i ak so stupid. Of course hes gonna want nothing to do with me. It wont be long before my partner leaves either. Hes getting tired as well. I never seem to be able to get better, i cant die, maybe i should run away. Be away from people so they dont have to deal with me anymore. Why am i such a failure? Why cant i just... do shit right? All I do is hurt people and fuck up. I'll never be redeemable. These people that matter to me... I'll have no one. These two are all I have... why do I do this to myself... why cant I ever keep the things important to me.... why couldnt I just fucking die...
Very long read, I apologize for the inconvenience. Just had allot to say.
As the title suggests, I cant do anything right. I'm a failure at life and I also failed in dying. Now it feels as though I've ruined my life even further.
Since I've disappeared from the site, I've spiraled hard. I tried to die. Constantly, and the constant failures have built upon each other and I couldnt handle it any more.
I finally told my bestie what was going on. He said he wasnt mad, but there were definitely changes in his demeanor and attitude. He was someone I've talked to about this before, except when I started actively attempting, I kept it to myself. I felt guilty hiding things from him... then I just couldnt handle it anymore.
One day he just blew up at me, calling me a liar and just being mean and horrible. I told him I'd go to the hospital in another town to seek help. I know I've been stressing him out with my suicidality, so I dont blame him for lashing out.
I enter the hospital with my partner. Told them what was going on, that I'd been trying to hang myself. My partner even told them he would prefer I stay at least overnight. They discharged me the same night. Didnt even keep me for a night.
I wanted to prove that I did wanna give it a try, recovery. And I felt like a complete failure. Everyone kept recommending this place to me and they turned me away. Someone who was crying, trying to die. Maybe I should've lied to get in or self harmed. Bestie told me though, I made the right choice and it wasnt my fault. But it felt like it was
Bestie is growing distant it felt like. Partner growing stressed. It's all my fault. I did this to myself. Bestie stopped greeting me "Good Morning Sunshine" in the morning.
Its begun, my worst fears being realized. It starts with the small things, ends with big. I'm losing the things I love and care about.
Thursday, Feb 29th, I woke up to no sunshine once again. And I felt so empty, so dead. I decided that morning I'm not gonna respond to anyone. I'm going to go to the local hospital again. The one that failed me before and give it 1 more chance.
2 nights before I self harmed. I was mulling over the idea of the local ward as things kept spiraling. So I wanted to be sure they kept me. Show I'm not a liar and theres still a small part of me that wanted to be here. Maybe try to fix what I've broken..
I'm there. I told 2 nurses "please call my emergency contacts and let them know I'm here. They do t know where I am." They told me they would. I meet my evaluator, we talk, and... I started feeling a little ok. Like maybe I was making the right decision.
I am told that I'm an involuntary admit. So theres no way I can be discharged no matter how hard I try. That should be good right? I get wheeled in. Called my partner and told him where I was. Apparently the nurses did not call him or my bestie so there was allot of panic. That's nice.
Bestie said he was proud of me for making the decision on my own. Hes happy that I want to get help. Him and my partner were so proud of me. It felt so good.
Friday I meet with the doctor. And he screened me for Borderline personality disorder. I checked all 9 symptoms. And it felt good. An actual diagnosis. It fit like a puzzle piece. I finally have a legitimate name for what's wrong with me.
Everyone was happy that things seem to be off at a better start this time. Bestie said he would call me saturday. He didnt. Maybe he forgot? He doesnt like doing phone calls allot. But I wish I had a reason at least. My partner being the messenger.
That saturday night, they played together over games. My partner said he and bestie both had a good time. Laughing and stuff, staying up super late and all. I had actually made a request for them as well. My birthday had passed. And I didnt eant to live to it or passed it. And with all my failures in trying to die... I wasnt ok. I was angry. Wanted nothing, wanting to be alone. So I requested if we can do a do over. Like a sleep over. Everyone agreed.
So far things were going well. I had a diagnosis, I liked the people I was with in the ward, bestie and partner are happy and a sleep over was in my future.... until bestie started talking less....
He was responding to my partner less and less. I tried to reach out but he kept rejecting my calls... then I find out that the doctor whom diagnosed me, went on vacation. So I had to see a new doctor monday.
I hate this man. He wouldnt allow me to answer his questions. He wanted "specific" answers. I asked for an example and his reply was "no you're giving ME an example" I wasnt free to answer questions. He never asked me about my suicidality, self harm, depression. None of that. Instead, I got vitamins for acne (he asked me if I had skin problems, I have eczema, not acne.) And gave me a vitamin for cramps? And gave me a pill that's supposed to calm my mind and help me sleep. Hey, it didnt work.
Tuesday, bestie is even more silent. I have to see the same doctor again. All the patients I was with that I talked to were being discharged. At least... the ones that talked... I was hoping to be released that day. I felt terrible after the first meeting with the doc. Never asked me about anything regarding my actual mental health. I put in a note to an attorney so if they hadn't released me within 72 hrs, I would take them to court. I hated that doctor so much. The hospitals social worker even stated to him that I am not a harm to myself.
The meeting with the doctor happened. My abandonment issues? Lack of zinc. My self esteem issues? Vitamin deficiency. Everything that was wrong with me? Vitamin deficiency. I even asked about my previous diagnosis from the main doc on vacation.
"I dont think you have BPD! Youre mentally healthy! You just lack vitamins! Are you on the beginning of your menstrual cycle middle or end?"
And just like that, my traumas, my life, my diagnosis. Completely invalides and no. I was no where near the start of my next cycle, I was not on it. To top it off, i was to stay one more night for more pills to see if they work. I cried. I cried a lot. To my evaluator and social worker. My social worker said shed make sure I hot out the next day.
I cried myself to sleep. Next day. Nothing at all from bestie. I walk back and forth down the hall and heard a nurse in the station talking angrily. The doctor saw a very young patient. Anxiety, depressed self harm suicidal. And told her it was just her period. The nurse was mad. I pulled her aside and explained that's what happened to me. Hopefully a talk has been had because this has been a persistent problem.
3rd meeting. I'm eager ready to go. I just lie through my teeth. I feel destroyed. I finally get out. Left bestie a message and go home. My partner texts him, asks if he possibly upset him. He says no. Just needs to be alone. Didnt message me. Late at night I tell him goodnight. Two days later I sent him a picture of my dog to maybe see if thatll help. Another day later he thanked me for the picture.
I'm so worried about him. It's been the longest weve all gone without talking to each other.
In the end of it all... it was my fault... did he need me and I couldnt be there for him? I couldve reaches out sooner and I had no excuse. What if hes still upset about what I've been hiding? Did something happen at home? His parents are horrible people... maybe he realised hes happier without me... is he blowing us off for a new video game? He hasn't blocked our numbers or unfriended us on anything.... My partner is so stressed out and I try to help him feel better but nothings working. I tried talking to one of the patients that gave me their number... she doesnt remember who I am...
Nothings working. I'm gonna lose everything. I should've ctb. Everytime I make a "right" decision, an avalanche of shit happens. When I try to fix the things I break things break more. I should've kept my mouth shut and ctb. I think I'm gonna start trying again. I've ruined these peoples lives, I never deserved them. Everyone was happy and we were gonna have a sleepover and I had so much I wanted to talk to everyone about and it all just shattered in my hands. I still havent heard from bestie after he thanked me for the picture. I dont think hes gonna come back and it's all my fault. I should've just kept it to myself. Why did I even do that, he had 2 friends die already from ctb. Why would I fucking say that? Why i ak so stupid. Of course hes gonna want nothing to do with me. It wont be long before my partner leaves either. Hes getting tired as well. I never seem to be able to get better, i cant die, maybe i should run away. Be away from people so they dont have to deal with me anymore. Why am i such a failure? Why cant i just... do shit right? All I do is hurt people and fuck up. I'll never be redeemable. These people that matter to me... I'll have no one. These two are all I have... why do I do this to myself... why cant I ever keep the things important to me.... why couldnt I just fucking die...
