Venting I can't keep pretending I'm okay

[BlueMist96]

Im not ready to die, but I know that I am going to kill myself soon. I don't want someone to try to convince me to live, but I want help with the things that are hurting me. I don't want to give anyone hope, I don't want anyone to think they're saving me, I just want someone to help me.

I just can't. I can't accept anyone's help when all I do is take. I have nothing to offer in return. I'm still going to leave them with nothing. I can't just take more, make them worry, and stress them out even more when they already have so much to deal with.

I wish they could just accept that I'm going to leave, and that there's nothing they can do to stop me. I wish I could just be honest with them, and spend some time with them before I go, and not have to pretend that I'm going to be around much longer.

I can't even understand why they care about me so much. Sure, they're my parents, but at what point will they just stop. I don't drive, I barely work, I'm sleeping in until dinner time almost every day, I'm always in a bad mood, etc. They threatened to make me start paying rent a while ago, and when I did nothing about it they just never brought it up again. Why? Why do you care so much? I wish they'd just kick me out so I can bring myself to take a long hike in the forest and hang myself.

I don't even know what to do anymore. My mom is drinking again, and my dad is stressed out. I can't even imagine what would happen if I left any time soon. My mom almost drank herself to death when a family member she barely talks to passed away a few years ago. I don't know what would happen to her if she knew what I was dealing with, she breaks down into tears whenever I show any sign of struggle.

They keep talking about my future, and saying they love me, and trying to get me to go out and do something, and I just can't keep pretending.

I don't know what to do.

 

[Mio_Kamimachi]

try not to look at your life like a strict transaction. you think you have to pay your parents back for caring about you but sweetie love does not work like a bill you have to pay. you do not have to earn the right to exist in your own house. your parents should not be asking for a return on their investment. maybe they are just happy you are still there.

pretending you are going to be around forever is probably what is draining all your energy so it is okay to stop putting on a fake smile. you do not have to promise them a big future if you cannot even see tomorrow. just let yourself be tired. you can just exist quietly in your room without having to be a perfect happy person. you are carrying way too much guilt for things that are not your fault. your dad being stressed and your mom drinking is their own stuff to handle. you cannot fix their problems and you do not have to protect them from everything. you are allowed to just breathe and take care of your own pain right now.

if you want help with the hurting, start by dropping the heavy acting. just take it one single day at a time. let them care about you without feeling guilty for it. you are allowed to just rest and please be gentle with yourself. don't force yourself to pretend to be a person you aren't.