Venting I can't imagine living for more than 10 years from now

[Sadbanana]

The idea of the future frightens me. I just can't find a way to CBT. I'm autistic and it is hard to regulate, which causes my SI to work on overdrive. I can think of some ways I could die, like putting my head on a rail road, but then imagining my head splashing just makes me so sick.

The same goes for most of the methods I have avaliable, not to mention most of them are painful like hanging myself or I risk surviving with extreme health conditions. I think gun would be the best, but unfortunately I don't live in America.

I used to have these stupid hopes in the future. I was hoping there would be an AI utopia and that they will figure out a way to fix my autism or at least the social aspect of it and I will be young again, so I will be able to make up for all those years I spent in isolation. Now that I examined those believes I can see hoe incredibly stupid and naive they are. None of that is going to happen, the chance is lower than me winning a lottery.

Other thing that I was seeing as potential hope was spiritual awakening. I know how stupid that might sound to you, but I have been always very interested in budhism and recently I have also been experimenting with psychadelic which made me believe that it's possible to actually stop suffering. I've spent years practicing meditation. Now I'm starting to consider that those people might just be faking it. Either way I shouldn't even consider this as an actual option.

This leaves me with nothing. My future is going to be me staying at my parents, not being able to work and being a burden on them. I during that time I will live in absolute isolation and I will spend my days doing nothing. I already have some pain because of my posture, so I expect that to get much worse. My parents will eventually die and after that I will probably be homeless.

This is not pessimistic view, I'm just being realistic. And I don't want to experience that future, I don't need to know what it feels like. The very thought of it makes me want to crawl out of my skin. I need to end it while I'm still young and I wish I would have done it much sooner.

 

[princexhhn]

My older sister was autistic too, couldn't socialize or work, just stayed home. I think she was suffering for a long time before she passed last year. I still miss her, but I'm glad she no longer has to suffer in a world like this. I hope you can find peace, OP.

 

[bankai]

I was hoping there would be an AI utopia and that they will figure out a way to fix my autism or at least the social aspect of it and I will be young again

There very well might be. Do you know that Mark Zuckerberg just made an offer of $1.5 billion to an AI researcher to hire him ? Apparently that researchers working on something mind blowing. I won't be surprised if we see something pretty crazy soon.

 

[TBONTB]

My older sister was autistic too, couldn't socialize or work, just stayed home. I think she was suffering for a long time before she passed last year. I still miss her, but I'm glad she no longer has to suffer in a world like this. I hope you can find peace, OP.

Sorry to hear of your loss. Hope you can heal.

The idea of the future frightens me. I just can't find a way to CBT. I'm autistic and it is hard to regulate, which causes my SI to work on overdrive. I can think of some ways I could die, like putting my head on a rail road, but then imagining my head splashing just makes me so sick.

The same goes for most of the methods I have avaliable, not to mention most of them are painful like hanging myself or I risk surviving with extreme health conditions. I think gun would be the best, but unfortunately I don't live in America.

I used to have these stupid hopes in the future. I was hoping there would be an AI utopia and that they will figure out a way to fix my autism or at least the social aspect of it and I will be young again, so I will be able to make up for all those years I spent in isolation. Now that I examined those believes I can see hoe incredibly stupid and naive they are. None of that is going to happen, the chance is lower than me winning a lottery.

Other thing that I was seeing as potential hope was spiritual awakening. I know how stupid that might sound to you, but I have been always very interested in budhism and recently I have also been experimenting with psychadelic which made me believe that it's possible to actually stop suffering. I've spent years practicing meditation. Now I'm starting to consider that those people might just be faking it. Either way I shouldn't even consider this as an actual option.

This leaves me with nothing. My future is going to be me staying at my parents, not being able to work and being a burden on them. I during that time I will live in absolute isolation and I will spend my days doing nothing. I already have some pain because of my posture, so I expect that to get much worse. My parents will eventually die and after that I will probably be homeless.

This is not pessimistic view, I'm just being realistic. And I don't want to experience that future, I don't need to know what it feels like. The very thought of it makes me want to crawl out of my skin. I need to end it while I'm still young and I wish I would have done it much sooner.

I'm sorry to hear how much you are suffering. I really relate to the statement "I'm not being pessimistic" People always tell me I'm pessimistic, and I have the same reaction you do, I'm just looking at reality.

I wish you the best.

 

[bpdwriter]

I feel you OP, I'm currently jobless after graduating and living with my dad, feeling like a burden. I'm 27 and somewhat on the spectrum. I've felt like a burden since I was young.

I've come to the realization that there is no easy, 100% painless way to CTB that is reasonably accessible to the average person. The body is alive and tries to keep itself that way. Bypassing that is possible, but difficult and there is no getting around that.

Something keeping me around these days is thinking, "I haven't tried everything I want to yet" and I wonder if some of that is driving your SI. That tiny bit of hope, however cruel. My advice is if you've made up your mind about CTB, try everything you want to try, even if it seems not feasible. It's what I tried.

Ironically, these days I'm closer to CTB than ever, but I'm not as stressed. I used to be worried, especially thinking "what if I change my mind, but it's too late" and while those worries still persist, they're not as loud. That's because I'm genuinely trying everything I can. It's a no-lose approach. If something works out of you trying, then it will help you recover. If nothing works out, it will help kill the hope and "what ifs".

 

[Spite]

I can relate on being autistic and not having any easy way to CTB. I don't live in the United States, either. I also don't see myself being alive in 10 years from now. I'm currently 27 and I dread the thought of continuing this throughout my 30s, 40s, and beyond until I'm old. I just can't see it happening.

I hate that there isn't really any surefire way to CTB that isn't painful or risky. I often get scared at the thought of something going wrong and having to live with the disastrous consequences of a failed attempt.

I'm sorry that you are suffering. Life with autism is, more often than not, horrific. I wish it wasn't that way. Unfortunately a lot of people do not understand us nor do a lot of people want to understand us, so we often get cast aside and are relegated to the bottom of the social hierarchy. That's how it's been for me anyways. It's unfair. Life... is not fair...

 

[unluckysadness]

I'm sorry for your situation. I think I'm autistic too. It really sucks to feel like an alien.
I've made a poll recently and 34% of SaSu people are officially diagnosed with autism. It's huge but not really surprising