Venting I can’t even tell my boyfriend

[Jon Arbuckle]

I've always been scared, and it's only getting worse
I 'tried' telling my boyfriend that I tried killing myself a few days ago.

We're long distance, so right now we only communicate through discord.
I waited until 4 am when he was already asleep to message him, because the idea of telling him when he was awake and would immediately reply makes my stomach hurt

All I did was send him a message that was more or less "I need to confess something" and I couldn't do it, I couldn't actually type out what I did. I deleted the post.

I've been messaging him about my depression, and he's been pretty supportive, but I've been avoidant of actually bringing up the suicidal ideation I've had. I've talked to him about fleeting thoughts of suicide before so I think he's inferred that I'm thinking about it, but I don't think he knows just how bad it is, that I was trying to ctb but stayed up so late that I just passed out.

he's been nothing but supportive and kind to me. He really is such a sweet guy, I've already stressed him out so much, I don't want to make things worse for him by being like "by the way Im suicidal to the point that I was preparing for an attempt"

 

[Cress]

As someone who's told significant others about my suicidal ideation in the past I really don't recommend it. It's likely to damage the relationship and I would recommend not disclosing anymore information about it than absolutely necessary. It sounds like you're in desperate need of support through your Suicidal ideation however? If that's the case the best thing you could do would be to get access to a therapist and treatment staff to help you through this. I know it sounds scary but you're going to be much more qualified to help you than your boyfriend is going to be able too.

In my experience the amount of relief I got from telling friends and family and significant others about my suicidal ideation is it really only Relieved about five to 10 percent of the stress I was feeling and increased their stress by 80%. The trade really just wasn't worth it.

I wish you nothing but the best and I hope you're able to navigate through this difficult time in your life. Take care of yourself. My DM's are open if you ever need anyone to talk to or are looking for further advice on how to pursue treatment.