Help I CAN’T EVEN PROPERLY KILL MYSELF. WHAT A WASTE OF SPACE I AM.

[Everythingiwanted]

Today i had everything set up to take my life.
I had written my 14 pages suicide letter and left a note on the door for my fiance saying that i took my own life and not to open the door.
I'd hate for him to be the one finding my dead body.

I decided to hang myself using the door knob method. At this point i don't know if im a legit idiot or what.
I tied it the right way and used a rope (not very thick but it should still do the job).
I'm wondering what i did wrong.
I used my fingers to feel where on my throat i felt my pulse the most and then tied the knot very well in that spot to put pressure on it.
People say you should pass out in under 10 seconds, but i'm here to tell y'all that that wasn't the case for me.

I'll describe how it felt and how it still feels:
At first i felt dizzy and my head simply didn't feel "right".
I had a terrible headache but there was so much going on that i wouldn't pay attention to it too much.
I felt blood not going to my lips anymore and my feet tingling.
My vision didn't change, but everything around me felt unknown.
I was holding my fiance's shirt against my nose and mouth with my hand.
It wasn't to help me suffocate; but because it smelled like him.
It kept me calm and prevented panicking.
Now you're wondering "Then why are you still alive?". The answer is : because i simply wouldn't pass out.
It's a very VERY uncomfortable feeling.
It's been about 15 minutes and i still feel pressure on my neck like as if the rope was still tied around it.

I feel extremely silly for not being able to take my own life and i just don't understand what i did wrong and why i didn't pass out.

Please somebody help!!

 

[NeCkDeEp]

Ik zie dat je Nederlands bent: als eerste spijt het me heel erg om te horen dat jij je zo voelt.
Mocht je er met iemand over willen praten die je niet kent: ik ben hier. Om je verder te helpen als de dood echt is wat jij wil: heb je al gekeken naar de SN methode?

 

[CyanideSoup]

I don't have any advice but I'm sorry that this happened. I know it must feel very distressing right now. But sometimes things don't work and you aren't a waste of space because of that. I hope somebody can give you some decent advice. Hugs

 

[Morphosis]

If you read any of the hanging threads you will see that there are many MANY people who experience what you just did. Actually the fact that you felt dizzy and other symptoms means that you got further than a lot of people.
It's related to compression of the carotid arteries, as opposed to jugular or even cutting off your airway which makes the whole process extremely uncomfortable and much more likely to fail. Cutting off your airway means you are asphyxiating or suffocating to death rather than cutting off the blood supply via the carotid. Suffocating takes much longer and causes much more pain and discomfort, whereas if you get the "sweet spot" you can black out in seconds and feel nothing.
I personally think it depends on your individual anatomy and how thick or thin your neck is etc... I mean everyone can die via hanging but the technique is important to minimise suffering as much as possible.
You are not a waste of space, you are only encountering what thousands of other people have discovered before you.... it's not that easy

 

[ThingWithFeathers]

Hanging doesn't work for lot of people. Maybe this is a subliminal message that it's not the time for you to leave. Probably your life was holding on to your fiance's shirt. I read your post yesterday in which you mentioned you're 19 and you're doing this because of comments by your fiance about your anorexia nervosa/bulimia. Maybe you can take this failed attempt as an opportunity to rethink whether ending your life is the appropriate response to your fiance's comments?

 

[jgm63]

Sorry to hear you weren't able to achieve your goal.
Well, it's time to regroup and re-evaluate.
Perhaps you might want to consider other methods ?
We'll help and support you.

Disclaimer : Please note, I strongly recommend against taking any action that would cause harm to yourself. Please seek assistance in any and every way possible to prevent harm coming to yourself. I do not encourage you to do anything that would cause harm to yourself. You alone must decide upon your actions and take full responsibility for them, and you should always favour seeking help and keeping yourself out of harm's way.

 

[Everythingiwanted]

Hanging doesn't work for lot of people. Maybe this is a subliminal message that it's not the time for you to leave. Probably your life was holding on to your fiance's shirt. I read your post yesterday in which you mentioned you're 19 and you're doing this because of comments by your fiance about your anorexia nervosa/bulimia. Maybe you can take this failed attempt as an opportunity to rethink whether ending your life is the appropriate response to your fiance's comments?

First of all, thank you for taking the time to reply to my message.
I've thought a lot about your comments since my last attempt at taking my life.
I'd say that life ending thoughts are hard to deal with.
You want to stop feeling a particular way, but at the same time you wish to discover happiness.
I'd also like to include that this thoughts don't exactly come from my boyfriend's comment about how i look.
I know he finds me attractive and doesn't say certain things with the intention of hurting me.
I've been through a lot of abuse growing up.
I was born to a very narcissistic mother that enjoyed seeing me suffer and that has damaged me a lot.
I have also gone through rape (twice) and got diagnosed with psychotic illness at just 17.
There are tons of reason why i find it hard to live in general, but especially with my self.
I try to cheer myself up and make plans for the future, but all i hear is people putting me down.
I am currently trying to write a book about what is like to grow up with a narcissistic mother and how to survive it, to heal myself. It's a painful process and i'm taking it very slow; all i hear is my fiance telling me how i'm not working hard enough.
That's very discouraging, but he doesn't seem to care.
In fact, he doesn't even seem to realize that i'm suffering a lot.
The truth is that i wish i could make my life worth living, but a) i can't seem to accomplish that and b) i have no one to talk to about how i truly feel. The craziest part of my last attempt is that whatever i do, i tell myself "i'm not supposed to be here doing this thing. I should be dead now. I should have killed myself when i had the chance to".

Ik zie dat je Nederlands bent: als eerste spijt het me heel erg om te horen dat jij je zo voelt.
Mocht je er met iemand over willen praten die je niet kent: ik ben hier. Om je verder te helpen als de dood echt is wat jij wil: heb je al gekeken naar de SN methode?

Erg bedankt voor je reactie!
Ik heb zeker wel naar andere methodes gekeken, maar hanging bleek het makkelijkst te zijn voor mij.
Helaas en gelukkig heeft het niet gewerkt. Wat is het leven toch zwaar en bizar hé... ik wil zo graag leven en gelukkig zijn. Ik wil echt zo graag niet meer achter me kijken, schijt aan de wereld hebben en mijn eigen geluk vinden. Helaas gaat dat niet zo. Ik heb toevallig een sollocitatie gesprek gisteren gehad die heel goed ging! Ik hoop echt dat ik aangenomen word en misschien wat meer motivatie vind om blij te zijn.

 

[Lotus1818]

First of all, thank you for taking the time to reply to my message.
I've thought a lot about your comments since my last attempt at taking my life.
I'd say that life ending thoughts are hard to deal with.
You want to stop feeling a particular way, but at the same time you wish to discover happiness.
I'd also like to include that this thoughts don't exactly come from my boyfriend's comment about how i look.
I know he finds me attractive and doesn't say certain things with the intention of hurting me.
I've been through a lot of abuse growing up.
I was born to a very narcissistic mother that enjoyed seeing me suffer and that has damaged me a lot.
I have also gone through rape (twice) and got diagnosed with psychotic illness at just 17.
There are tons of reason why i find it hard to live in general, but especially with my self.
I try to cheer myself up and make plans for the future, but all i hear is people putting me down.
I am currently trying to write a book about what is like to grow up with a narcissistic mother and how to survive it, to heal myself. It's a painful process and i'm taking it very slow; all i hear is my fiance telling me how i'm not working hard enough.
That's very discouraging, but he doesn't seem to care.
In fact, he doesn't even seem to realize that i'm suffering a lot.
The truth is that i wish i could make my life worth living, but a) i can't seem to accomplish that and b) i have no one to talk to about how i truly feel. The craziest part of my last attempt is that whatever i do, i tell myself "i'm not supposed to be here doing this thing. I should be dead now. I should have killed myself when i had the chance to".

Erg bedankt voor je reactie!
Ik heb zeker wel naar andere methodes gekeken, maar hanging bleek het makkelijkst te zijn voor mij.
Helaas en gelukkig heeft het niet gewerkt. Wat is het leven toch zwaar en bizar hé... ik wil zo graag leven en gelukkig zijn. Ik wil echt zo graag niet meer achter me kijken, schijt aan de wereld hebben en mijn eigen geluk vinden. Helaas gaat dat niet zo. Ik heb toevallig een sollocitatie gesprek gisteren gehad die heel goed ging! Ik hoop echt dat ik aangenomen word en misschien wat meer motivatie vind om blij te zijn.

Ik hoop dat alles voor je goed komt. Het spijt me dat je een poging moest doen. Ik had ook geprobeerd mijzelf op te hangen. Maar het was meer om het even uit te proberen. Uiteindelijk heb ik maar de sn methode gekozen. Ik heb alles al in huis. Maar ik blijf voor nu nog ff leven. Had je wel met je verloofde hierover gepraat?

 

[Hotsackage]

Im in the same boat as u. Partial is my onlu way out, and i cant get it right

 

[NeCkDeEp]

Erg bedankt voor je reactie!
Ik heb zeker wel naar andere methodes gekeken, maar hanging bleek het makkelijkst te zijn voor mij.
Helaas en gelukkig heeft het niet gewerkt. Wat is het leven toch zwaar en bizar hé... ik wil zo graag leven en gelukkig zijn. Ik wil echt zo graag niet meer achter me kijken, schijt aan de wereld hebben en mijn eigen geluk vinden. Helaas gaat dat niet zo. Ik heb toevallig een sollocitatie gesprek gisteren gehad die heel goed ging! Ik hoop echt dat ik aangenomen word en misschien wat meer motivatie vind om blij te zijn.

Heb jij je al ingelezen over SN? Ik adviseer je echt om je in te lezen over SN.
Mislukkende pogingen zijn niet echt meewerkend en demotiveren je alleen maar, het laat je ook nog meer een mislukkingen voelen omdat het niet lukt.
Gaat het een beetje met je?
Het klinkt wel alsof je nog wil leven en echt er naar uitkijkt om weer gelukkig te zijn, heb je bv al de bruiloft met je verloofde vooruit gepland? Ik denk dat zo'n iets je ookal zou kunnen helpen om vooruit te blijven kijken.
Super tof! Waarvoor heb je gesolliciteerd? Ik hoop dat je de job krijgt en er geluk op je pad komt en jij je helemaal niet hoeft in te lezen over SN :)

 

[Everythingiwanted]

Im in the same boat as u. Partial is my onlu way out, and i cant get it right

Totally relate to your situation.
I have days where i see a little hope and think things are going to get better for me; and then i have days like today where the only thing i can think of is " i should have killed myself and tried harder when i had the chance to." I'm so tired. Just so tired

 

[PaYo]

I waiting because of my mom, i dont want to leave her with debt.
Second last days i have meet two girls on the internet which i want to meet personaly which is imposible
I want to make my website. I might at least leave aomething behind me after death. If i kill myself and my friend will publish this, my family can make hundreads of thousands of dollars by donations.

And still just want some love and friendship. But you know the world. Money everywhere money