I can't do this anymore

[LostToSociety]

I was in love, so in love with this boy. he was my god and i was his, we worshiped each other. I talked to him constatly, i spent every minute with him i could, he was the first person to see me naked, the first person who made me like who i was. for the first time love felt unconditional. But he was heavily suicial, unlike many people he didnt just want to make the pain stop he genuinely wanted to die and i don't know how to emphasize for others without becoming them. As he got worse so did i, and the first time i cut myself successfully, he saw the marks and it triggered him badly and he got extremely cold during our conversation about it. From there things only escalted until finally we got here. I attempted like a month or two ago, i overdosed, failed, got thrown in a psych ward and now have to act like im completley fine around my fucking parents, and my coworkers. On the day of my attempt we got in a fight, he didn't even say he loved me one last time, im blocked on everything and he told my parents i was forbiden from visiting his apartment or trying to reach him at all, he gave back all the things i had gotten for our apartment, and i miss him, i miss him so so badly. I thought i wanted him gone until he was. But more than anything i want to die so so bad. My attempt only taught me my surity in my decision, but i won't do a public suicide and i will do nothing that could potentially hurt a stranger (such as jumping in front of a train) and honestly i just need something to make it stop because i'm delusional if i think he will ever take me back after the horrible things i said and did to him. I dont like what i've become. i don't like how angry i am and i just want it to stop. So please, i will accept any ideas, even on SH because god knows i can't do that right either. whenever i try to cut i cant ever get deep enough even with a sharp knife i can't bypass my bodys system, even if i do get it deep my body learns quickly and im unable to copy the same method next time. I just need anything to make it stop and fucking mindfullness just won't cut it