I can't do the waiting anymore

[TheHatedOne]

In these last weeks I'm suffering more than I suffer usually. Maybe it's the realization of how shitty my whole life was and that it shouldn't have been like this. A tragedy of an outcast.

I try to not think much about it, what could be done about it anyway? Just another unnecessary existence plagued by pain.

But these feelings, these states of being, what I'm experiencing, it gets me and makes me want to explode. I'm always on the verge to cry, me, the same person who couldn't shed a tear a while ago. I want to see the world in flames, everything burning, to see the light of the flames, to feel the warmth.

I can't wait for my poison anymore. I was thinking to end it with the rope because it would be more immediate although I realize it's a very stupid idea, but what can I do with this desperation?

Every area of life is already bad and it's only going downhill, how can I even wait few more weeks? Possibly for nothing? And if I fail, and realize I'm trapped here, then I'll go insane.

What hurts me the most is how alone I am and how everyone else has someone. I can't accept my lonely fate. No matter how much I want I can't accept loneliness. I don't like the unfair cards I've been dealt with.

How much I miss talking with someone daily, how much I miss those times, few in number, but which I will cherish forever, when someone actually gave a shit about me, the compassion, a little bit of healing, for an outrageously short period of time.

Now I'm back in the cold, in the background, seeing how everyone else gets along with each other, love each other, appreciate each other, compassionate to each other. And me...

If I had the poison now, the exit from this cruelty called life, I would take it right away without thinking anything.

The frustration, the disappointment, the anger, the burning, the pain, the heartbreak, they can't be described in words...

 

[FuneralCry]

I know that it is hard to carry on when you are suffering so much. It really can be dreadful living an existence filled with pain. Life is so cruel and unfair. I understand the feelings of desperation, when you cannot take anymore. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[fox_wannabe]

that is rough
Many people are lonely these days.
Do you look for a friend irl, or do you not know how to look for one?
I bet It is not your fault you are lonely, you seam treated very badly and hurt in more than one way. Sad for me to hear you suffer so much.
That sounds dumb but some people use tinder just to make friends. You could try it to look for other man to hang out with. Just state you are not there for sex or relationships.

 

[miserableforever]

In these last weeks I'm suffering more than I suffer usually. Maybe it's the realization of how shitty my whole life was and that it shouldn't have been like this. A tragedy of an outcast.

I try to not think much about it, what could be done about it anyway? Just another unnecessary existence plagued by pain.

But these feelings, these states of being, what I'm experiencing, it gets me and makes me want to explode. I'm always on the verge to cry, me, the same person who couldn't shed a tear a while ago. I want to see the world in flames, everything burning, to see the light of the flames, to feel the warmth.

I can't wait for my poison anymore. I was thinking to end it with the rope because it would be more immediate although I realize it's a very stupid idea, but what can I do with this desperation?

Every area of life is already bad and it's only going downhill, how can I even wait few more weeks? Possibly for nothing? And if I fail, and realize I'm trapped here, then I'll go insane.

What hurts me the most is how alone I am and how everyone else has someone. I can't accept my lonely fate. No matter how much I want I can't accept loneliness. I don't like the unfair cards I've been dealt with.

How much I miss talking with someone daily, how much I miss those times, few in number, but which I will cherish forever, when someone actually gave a shit about me, the compassion, a little bit of healing, for an outrageously short period of time.

Now I'm back in the cold, in the background, seeing how everyone else gets along with each other, love each other, appreciate each other, compassionate to each other. And me...

If I had the poison now, the exit from this cruelty called life, I would take it right away without thinking anything.

The frustration, the disappointment, the anger, the burning, the pain, the heartbreak, they can't be described in words...

You know, same.
I suck at describing what you just put into words.
Hell this life is for sure. Why, I have no idea.
I worked hard, I have several degrees, and yet for some reason I allowed others to run with my money, my reputation, and my future.
Happy Sunday over there.

 

[TheHatedOne]

that is rough
Many people are lonely these days.
Do you look for a friend irl, or do you not know how to look for one?
I bet It is not your fault you are lonely, you seam treated very badly and hurt in more than one way. Sad for me to hear you suffer so much.
That sounds dumb but some people use tinder just to make friends. You could try it to look for other man to hang out with. Just state you are not there for sex or relationships.

I'm not sure anymore. I just want some more conversations before I go. Especially ones on the uhm, intellectual side as I like these ones the most.

 

[fox_wannabe]

I'm not sure anymore. I just want some more conversations before I go. Especially ones on the uhm, intellectual side as I like these ones the most.

You want one face to face or will text do?
We can talk if you want

 

[Feeding Pigeons]

I'm not sure anymore. I just want some more conversations before I go. Especially ones on the uhm, intellectual side as I like these ones the most.

I don't know if I would satisfy your need for that but I'd be willing to try, just holler.

 

[fox_wannabe]

But now I can't talk I am very sleepy

 

[TheHatedOne]

You want one face to face or will text do?
We can talk if you want

Okay, I haven't expressed myelf well in the reply and didn't even say the whole cause I was in a hurry.

I'm actually torn between what I want. Even if deep inside me I still long for friendship and any kind of love, I have one month left. If, hypothetically one of these were to happen, I'd be hesitant cause I don't want to bring pain because of my departure.

So I think conversation for most of the time would be okay. I wish I had some more compassion before I leave. My last month, last weeks, last days, last hours. But I know that it will be much worse. Sigh.

And to answer your question, best I can do is text.