Venting I cancelled my SN order because of him, and now I'm scared because he is my only reason to stay.

[3FailedAttemptss]

I'm currently in a psych ward (yes, still). I've been trying to CTB for over a year with 10-20 attempts at this point. I actually had an order of SN on the way, it was my "safety net," my exit plan if things got too loud (realistically though I would've CTB'd ASAP with the SN). But tomorrow, I will let the order expire in customs.

I did it because of one person: my best friend/crush/Favorite Person. He is the only thing that works. The meds don't touch the emptiness/negative schizophrenic symptoms, but when I'm with him, the suicidal thoughts actually go quiet. When I hold his hand, I don't just "tolerate" existing—I actually want to be here, with him. We are planning a trip to London, and I chose that future over CTBing with my SN.

But here is the problem: By cancelling the SN, I have effectively swapped a chemical safety net for a human one. I have put all my eggs in one basket, and that basket is an 18-year-old boy who has no idea he's holding my life in his hands.
The disparity between our lives is eating me alive:

• Him: He has a full life. He goes to 12-hour parties, plays D&D, has school, has dozens of friends. I am just one planet (if that) in his solar system.
• Me: I have... him. That's it. He is my sun. If he turns away, my world goes dark immediately.

I get physically sick with jealousy when he's out with other people, not because I'm possessive, but because I'm terrified. I know for a fact that if he ever drops me, or gets bored, or realizes I'm "too heavy," I will kill myself. The buffer is gone. He doesn't know this. I would never tell him because I don't want to be that person who uses suicide as a threat. I want him to be free. But keeping it inside is torture. I feel like I'm walking a tightrope with no net, just praying he doesn't let go of the rope.

 

[Zaphkiel]

3y ago, when my wife left me, the first thing i made was to seek a method.
At first i Settled with gas, then switched to Sn because its way less technical.
With time i let myself get a try at life again, but i still ordered SN in january of 2025.
The goal was that i'd have one fresh enough for a bit of time if needed and the mental comfort of knowing i have this exit door if needed.
Having SN doesnt mean you have to use it, but it's reassuring knowing you have a way out if needed, at least mentally.

 

[Jisatsu]

Do what you can hun