I can see clearly now

[Insomniac]

I have been saying that I'll be waiting for my mom to come back home from the hospital to kill myself because I didn't want to do it now because I live alone with my 13yo little sister.
My mom is been hospitalised for 5 months and I have to fight everyday to stay alive and be patient enough.

But now Incan see clearly that it's up to me in the end. I think I have reach the level of selfishness to actually kill myself while my mom is in the hospital, my sister a minor and my dad an alcoholic drunk 24h/7 in his appartment.

It's up to me. I can just end things now. My sister isn't my responsibility. I didn't bring her to this hell hole.

I don't have to wait. This is taking too long.

The love of my life is out there enjoying his life with his gf and about to marry her and even has the gut to invite me to the wedding party. He even messages me sometimes just "to be nice". He loves that I love him. But he doesn't love me.

I'm sorry I can't take this anymore. It's up to me to leave at any moment now. No more excuses.

 

[Al_stargate]

Tough spot! Sorry, you have to deal with it. Don't know your situation but if you're not in some kind of psychical agony it might be better to wait if you can. I guess, for your minor sister.

 

[lili]

I'm sorry for your situation. I've been following some of your posts. But haven't read the full extent of your situation.

I used to drink a lot of pills like you've been doing and drink a lot of alcohol with them to CBT. Have done it so many times. It doesn't work. I would have similar experiences of waking up days after. Sometimes with vomit next to me. I would even wake up and found I pissed myself. It's a depressing sight and makes things worse and you won't die out of it.

I had a similar toxic situation growing up too. My stepfather was an alcoholic and abusive. How old are you? Do you have any options to leave? I eventually decided to leave my house when I was 18 because I couldn't take it anymore, but I left behind my 8 year old brother and to this day the regret of leaving him affects me a lot. But I had to leave for the sake of protecting myself. I wasn't suicidal then.

I am also struggling with a person I love who doesn't care about me. It is really difficult. And a big reason why I feel so tormented now, which is absurd considering the other torments one faces in life. However I guess loving someone is not absurd, it is a beautiful thing to be willing to give your heart to someone like that. What I wish I could convince myself to say, is that people like the one who you love, doesn't sound as giving as you are with love and don't deserve it. He sounds very unkind and dismissive of you, it is hurtful that you are close and he doesn't understand the struggle you are going through. It doesn't sound like he's worth it.

But I can't judge because I don't know your situation well. I wish I could reach out cybernetically and get you out of there.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are suffering so much. I know that this life can be unbearable when you are desperate to leave. This life really is so awful and depressing. I understand that it is hard to carry on when you cannot take anymore of this life. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[Insomniac]

I'm sorry for your situation. I've been following some of your posts. But haven't read the full extent of your situation.

I used to drink a lot of pills like you've been doing and drink a lot of alcohol with them to CBT. Have done it so many times. It doesn't work. I would have similar experiences of waking up days after. Sometimes with vomit next to me. I would even wake up and found I pissed myself. It's a depressing sight and makes things worse and you won't die out of it.

I had a similar toxic situation growing up too. My stepfather was an alcoholic and abusive. How old are you? Do you have any options to leave? I eventually decided to leave my house when I was 18 because I couldn't take it anymore, but I left behind my 8 year old brother and to this day the regret of leaving him affects me a lot. But I had to leave for the sake of protecting myself. I wasn't suicidal then.

I am also struggling with a person I love who doesn't care about me. It is really difficult. And a big reason why I feel so tormented now, which is absurd considering the other torments one faces in life. However I guess loving someone is not absurd, it is a beautiful thing to be willing to give your heart to someone like that. What I wish I could convince myself to say, is that people like the one who you love, doesn't sound as giving as you are with love and don't deserve it. He sounds very unkind and dismissive of you, it is hurtful that you are close and he doesn't understand the struggle you are going through. It doesn't sound like he's worth it.

But I can't judge because I don't know your situation well. I wish I could reach out cybernetically and get you out of there.

Thank you very much @lilipaili for making me feel understood. To answer your question I'm 25 and jobless which make everything worse.

I'm sorry that you are suffering so much. I know that this life can be unbearable when you are desperate to leave. This life really is so awful and depressing. I understand that it is hard to carry on when you cannot take anymore of this life. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

Hey @FuneralCry, I have been wanting to thank you for all you compassionate responses to my posts. You're always here to emphasise with me and I really really appreciate it/you <3