i can live out my dream in death.

[ornitier199]

I just accepted the thing I needed to ctb, even if i'm impulsive too.
at then i could finally be in peace. just me and ryan jordan xxx
i'm using a serated blade, so it can ensure to to cut easier/assuring
i know this shit's gonna hurt, alright i know that and aware and accepted that im gonna have to suffer one last time to get to that peace, thats just how it is when ctb.
im not gonna think about it just one good slice and bleed out the rest.
im not sad, soon it will be all over soon. like when i get a cut and that hurts for a few hours, but i know that pain will stop and then pass.
its same with this. i will have no regrets because i know i wont be saved. i'm all alone, i got myself alone and thats enough talking shits going on too long.

my dream is dead, this is has always been my fate, it only took me years to fucking realize it; those meds did more harm than good. someday my dream would end thats today.
i'll do it while listening to this on repeat.



just cause i always listened to vgm when i was down

 

[Shu]

Hi. are you still there?

 

[Red Scare]

like when i get a cut and that hurts for a few hours, but i know that pain will stop and then pass.

Except, I don't know if you have ever lost consciousness from blood loss, but you get all light headed, and spinning, tunnel vision, feeling sick to your stomach.

I donated blood a couple times, they usually have you lie there for a second. But I was like "nahhhhh, I've done this loads of times I am fine" so I grabbed my coat and left without any juice or cookies. Walking through the parking lot to catch a bus I popped some Percocet I had in my pocket. A moment later before they even kicked in, I was like fainting, blacking out. Some people off at the bus sto about 20 feet away some me stammering and came to my aid. But man, it was a trip. I got tunnel vision, i was blacking out, getting a pounding headache. I also started to feel weird, like I was tripping. I have since done some reading and found out that when you start going into hypoxia or loose too much blood too quickly, there are cells in your brain that bind with the tryptamine DMT. It plays a neuro-protective roll prevention certain cells from dying. They have confirmed this in mice, even those who had their -Neal glands removed. They induced cardiac arrest and a hypoxia state and observed heightened levels of DMT binding to these certain brain cells. Melatonin and other naturally occurring tryptamine chemicals converts to dmt through a process of methylation. The expwrience I had was not different than when I smoked dmt.

Someone handed me an unopened can of soda pop and I had some snacks in my pocket I started munching, I felt better after a minute. But I thought to myself that's what bleeding out would feel like, only more intensely.

If I was ever going to go with this method (not that I am endorsing anything or encouraging anyone to hurt themselves), I would purchase some scalpels from off of Amazon, and apply a topical anesthetic to numb my wrists and forearms, and then climb into a hot bath.

But then again I wouldn't go with this method. My experience after donating blood made me think it would be an anxiety inducing way to go. Also, it is very prone to failure. I can't remember the exact rate but maybe someone else can chime in here with a %

 

[FuneralCry]

That really does sound like an awful way to leave this world, but I know that this life can be unbearable when you are desperate to leave. I wish you the best in whatever happens, I hope you find relief from your pain.

 

[loststar]

Youve given me a new love of that song, ffx had a huge impact on me. The music especialy.