bluemirror
Member
- Mar 16, 2024
- 8
Rant ahead
I've been suicidal since I was 9. Yes, I swear. I've hated myself longer than that. Growing up I felt worthless and unlovable so I developed all these fundamental truths about myself that even 10 years of therapy haven't fully washed away.
And I know this is a contentious topic but therapy and medication changed my life. I have friends now, I can socialize, I can set boundaries, I know what I like and don't like, I have an image of myself in my head.
But none of that is enough.
What really kept me going was hope for the future. Every year with therapy, I felt myself growing. I still wasn't quite there, still wanted to ctb regularly, but I could hold on to the fact that I was young and improving.
Well I'm not young anymore. Turning 30 triggered something hard in my brain. I always thought id be either dead or happy by now. That I'd have a romantic relationship and maybe children. I'm incapable of dating though, that's one of the biggest hurdles I haven't been able to overcome.
I know I shouldn't buy into crap like this, but I can't help but feel that what little value I had to the world is now gone because I'm not a young woman anymore. My father never had a relationship with any woman older that 25 and yeah that did a fucking number on me. His current wife is 6 years younger than me.
Even disregarding that, even looking at all that I did accomplish... Why isn't it enough? Why am I not happy? Why don't I enjoy life? Recently something triggered the feeling of uselessness and unlovable-ness that I had before therapy, and it's like this rotten liquid seeped into my brain and tainted it and won't wash off. I am useless. I am worthless. I'm someone even a mother or a father cannot love. Nothing will ever fill this void.
I'm too old to have hope for the future. My body is starting to show signs of wear. I'm extremely lonely, even though I have people who care about me.
There's a family trip coming up in April. I think it's the perfect time to say goodbye to everyone. Once I come home, I'm planning on ctb. I'm so scared though. My reptile brain wants to live at all costs for as long as possible, but my higher brain wants desperately to die. It's torture.
Worthless unlovable retard, should have done it way earlier. I can't believe I held out this long thinking it would get better. Well guess what idiot, it did but you still wanna kill yourself. The hole inside you will never be filled. You'll be talentless, useless, hopeless IDIOT FOREVER
I've been suicidal since I was 9. Yes, I swear. I've hated myself longer than that. Growing up I felt worthless and unlovable so I developed all these fundamental truths about myself that even 10 years of therapy haven't fully washed away.
And I know this is a contentious topic but therapy and medication changed my life. I have friends now, I can socialize, I can set boundaries, I know what I like and don't like, I have an image of myself in my head.
But none of that is enough.
What really kept me going was hope for the future. Every year with therapy, I felt myself growing. I still wasn't quite there, still wanted to ctb regularly, but I could hold on to the fact that I was young and improving.
Well I'm not young anymore. Turning 30 triggered something hard in my brain. I always thought id be either dead or happy by now. That I'd have a romantic relationship and maybe children. I'm incapable of dating though, that's one of the biggest hurdles I haven't been able to overcome.
I know I shouldn't buy into crap like this, but I can't help but feel that what little value I had to the world is now gone because I'm not a young woman anymore. My father never had a relationship with any woman older that 25 and yeah that did a fucking number on me. His current wife is 6 years younger than me.
Even disregarding that, even looking at all that I did accomplish... Why isn't it enough? Why am I not happy? Why don't I enjoy life? Recently something triggered the feeling of uselessness and unlovable-ness that I had before therapy, and it's like this rotten liquid seeped into my brain and tainted it and won't wash off. I am useless. I am worthless. I'm someone even a mother or a father cannot love. Nothing will ever fill this void.
I'm too old to have hope for the future. My body is starting to show signs of wear. I'm extremely lonely, even though I have people who care about me.
There's a family trip coming up in April. I think it's the perfect time to say goodbye to everyone. Once I come home, I'm planning on ctb. I'm so scared though. My reptile brain wants to live at all costs for as long as possible, but my higher brain wants desperately to die. It's torture.
Worthless unlovable retard, should have done it way earlier. I can't believe I held out this long thinking it would get better. Well guess what idiot, it did but you still wanna kill yourself. The hole inside you will never be filled. You'll be talentless, useless, hopeless IDIOT FOREVER
