VabeniPokojneTmy
reMember
- Jun 6, 2020
- 56
Hi everyone 
,
I do not use this site very often, since I overcame my suicidal thoughts, but I would like to share with you my experience, because I know there are people who think similarly and may have an advice for me. Also some things may be lost in translation because I did not used English for a long time, so feel free to ask, if you do not understand something.
Thanks in advance for every thought or kind words.
It began when I was studying uni, in fall/winter 2019. I finally coped with some crushes from past years who refused me and decided to focus on making music and personal development. I was not happy but I gave my life order and started to feel that it makes sense somehow.
I lived in apartment with two friends of mine and one moved away, so we were trying to find a replacement for him. Friend of friend, Julia, was looking for an apartment at that time, so she joined us. I liked her, she seemed really cool and carefree, but I did not fall in love like I did with particular girls earlier. We both like music a lot, however different genres, and spent several nights listening to our favorite albums and songs. She liked me too, and one night after listening to music and saying good night to each other, she came to my room and asked if she can sleep with me. I agreed and we kissed for the first time. Shortly after that we went to her mums cottage and spent few days there, that was start of our relationship.
I wasn't sure at first that I want to have ralationship with girl I know only for a short time and was restrained to her a bit, but than I said to myself why not go for it and enjoy it. She was my first girlfriend so I thought it probably won't last long and it would be good eperience. At that time she was coping with her ex boyfriend leaving her who was not nice to her and did not appreciate her at all, also there was one older guy, her former friend), who has wife and kid and wanted to cheat on his wife with Julia (she didn't want to but he was really persistent. So as I found out later, Julia used the situation and "taped" the problem and solitude with me. I've never hold it against her but it was something that troubled her later.
After some time we fell in love to each other. We have not lot in common but at the start it was not a problem, we spend time getting to know each other. It was a bit weird because we lived together from the start and I was a bit dissapointed that we missed the dating phase and all that belongs to it but it had its benefits as well. Later we both dropped the uni and moved to another city, I started working full time in a decent job and she worked too but was preparing to admission procedure to another school she wanted to study. It turned out that she is not so carefree and cool as she seemed at the beginning but I loved her still.
Till this Saturday, when I broke up with her, we lived together about year and a half. In the last half a year I started to concider leaving her for those reasons:
It hurted a lot but still it was okay, nothing I would not expect and was not ready for.
The next day I was doing nothing in my room, just thinking and listening to some music. Suddenly she was standing in the doors and I do not knew what's going on. It turns out she went all the way from the other city to talk to me again and try to save the relationship. I agreed that we can talk again but made it clear that I have nothing more to say so I just repeated what I said earlier. We both cried and I panicked and told her I have to go. I ran to my rehearsal room where I cried for at least a hour like never before. The worst thing was she broke my conviction that I am doing right thing, painful for both of us but in a matter of our futures good thing. I suddenly wasn't sure that I want to break up and if it's good step to make.
Part of me now wants to forget all of this and move on but part of me wants to call her, apologise for this mess and ask her if we can be together again.
The biggest problem is that there was not anything in our relationship which would be obstacle for it to function. Just my feeling and that's not enought to know I am doing the right thing.
To make it clear I am male, 22 years old, she is 24. I haven't been in romantic realtionship before, she was in few smaller when she was younger and than one serious with the wrong guy I mentioned.
If you have simillar experience, please, tell me. I feel so confused and painful right now.
Thank you.
S.
,I do not use this site very often, since I overcame my suicidal thoughts, but I would like to share with you my experience, because I know there are people who think similarly and may have an advice for me. Also some things may be lost in translation because I did not used English for a long time, so feel free to ask, if you do not understand something.
Thanks in advance for every thought or kind words.
It began when I was studying uni, in fall/winter 2019. I finally coped with some crushes from past years who refused me and decided to focus on making music and personal development. I was not happy but I gave my life order and started to feel that it makes sense somehow.
I lived in apartment with two friends of mine and one moved away, so we were trying to find a replacement for him. Friend of friend, Julia, was looking for an apartment at that time, so she joined us. I liked her, she seemed really cool and carefree, but I did not fall in love like I did with particular girls earlier. We both like music a lot, however different genres, and spent several nights listening to our favorite albums and songs. She liked me too, and one night after listening to music and saying good night to each other, she came to my room and asked if she can sleep with me. I agreed and we kissed for the first time. Shortly after that we went to her mums cottage and spent few days there, that was start of our relationship.
I wasn't sure at first that I want to have ralationship with girl I know only for a short time and was restrained to her a bit, but than I said to myself why not go for it and enjoy it. She was my first girlfriend so I thought it probably won't last long and it would be good eperience. At that time she was coping with her ex boyfriend leaving her who was not nice to her and did not appreciate her at all, also there was one older guy, her former friend), who has wife and kid and wanted to cheat on his wife with Julia (she didn't want to but he was really persistent. So as I found out later, Julia used the situation and "taped" the problem and solitude with me. I've never hold it against her but it was something that troubled her later.
After some time we fell in love to each other. We have not lot in common but at the start it was not a problem, we spend time getting to know each other. It was a bit weird because we lived together from the start and I was a bit dissapointed that we missed the dating phase and all that belongs to it but it had its benefits as well. Later we both dropped the uni and moved to another city, I started working full time in a decent job and she worked too but was preparing to admission procedure to another school she wanted to study. It turned out that she is not so carefree and cool as she seemed at the beginning but I loved her still.
Till this Saturday, when I broke up with her, we lived together about year and a half. In the last half a year I started to concider leaving her for those reasons:
- We have very little in common and thus we could not spend time doing some activities for the reason we both enjoy them. We just did it because we knew the other enjoys them. Sometimes it was all we needed but sometimes it was tiring.
- I was used to spend most of my free time alone before and although it did not seem like a problem at the beginning, it was really hard for me to live with somebody in relationship.
- Maybe because we skipped the "dating" part and I did not have to make an effort to make her my girlfriend OR beacuse I'm just a selfish d*ck, I did not appreciate her enough (though I tried to be nice and honest to her, treat her with respect). I wasn't just giving enough to the relationship, she was giving to it way more. I am used to focus on myself more than on the world around me but I found out now that it can be pretty bad trait for relationship.
- The initial flame extinguished… I guess it's normal when you are with someone for a logn time, but still I thought something will prevail. Not that I would not liked her or like that, it just became… boring or so. I could not imagine continuing life like that. Sure I could make an effort and it may get better, but my intuition tells me that it would be only question of time until it would become dull again.
- I could not talk with her about anything like some deep shit, she just did not get it even if she tried. I have few really good friends and have no problem talking to them about those things, but I would be glad above all, if I could share those things with my partner.
It hurted a lot but still it was okay, nothing I would not expect and was not ready for.
The next day I was doing nothing in my room, just thinking and listening to some music. Suddenly she was standing in the doors and I do not knew what's going on. It turns out she went all the way from the other city to talk to me again and try to save the relationship. I agreed that we can talk again but made it clear that I have nothing more to say so I just repeated what I said earlier. We both cried and I panicked and told her I have to go. I ran to my rehearsal room where I cried for at least a hour like never before. The worst thing was she broke my conviction that I am doing right thing, painful for both of us but in a matter of our futures good thing. I suddenly wasn't sure that I want to break up and if it's good step to make.
Part of me now wants to forget all of this and move on but part of me wants to call her, apologise for this mess and ask her if we can be together again.
The biggest problem is that there was not anything in our relationship which would be obstacle for it to function. Just my feeling and that's not enought to know I am doing the right thing.
To make it clear I am male, 22 years old, she is 24. I haven't been in romantic realtionship before, she was in few smaller when she was younger and than one serious with the wrong guy I mentioned.
If you have simillar experience, please, tell me. I feel so confused and painful right now.
Thank you.
S.
