Braindead Atheist
Specialist
- Oct 7, 2020
- 387
Since I'm so done with everything, I've been eating next to nothing, taking fat burners and purging. It makes me feel so good, like giving up is ok and even fulfilling. Unlike everything else. Last time I purged my nose bled and I had thick mucus that almost seemed like tissue coming from my throat. I heard you can rupture your esophagus and die, and I think I'm close! I keep coughing and I feel so dizzy and out of it all the time. It brings me peace that all I have to do is keep making myself throw up and the rest will likely take care of itself. My gymnastics class was keeping me going, but now I'm watching every fucking person get the skills they were working on with much less effort than me. I wanted something...just one thing I wanted to accomplish one hard thing. But no, it's always going to be someone else. It's everywhere and there is no escape. I don't even want to live. I made the effort to keep going and keep trying and dreaming, but I just never had what I needed and couldn't get it. The more I talk, the less people listen. I'm just going to withdraw from everything, stop trying, keep purging and wait for my bus. Hopefully I get to die a psychogenic death in the meantime, but if it doesn't come fast enough or the next bad thing happens then I'll just use the SN. I tried talking to people but no one wants to hear it and they either dismiss me, abandon me, are rude, blame me or try to put pressure on me in some way. I don't need that. I thought I could go to people who knew me growing up and they don't even care. Someone I worked with 1-1 for years stopped caring and even blocked me (see thread so much for goodbye). The principal of that school, I thought cared about me because she went out of her way to accommodate me when I was there, and now she gets annoyed when I try to reach out. It's really damaging because I'd been through two abusive psych wards before starting academic support at their school part time and they were the first people I trusted after that. Then bad things happened at Holy Spirit and then in middle school and they just keep happening since I graduated high school. I thought I could try to talk to them since my favorite person in the world is busy 7 days a week. But they don't care anymore or want to reconnect, which proves they were only helping me because they had to, and it was never genuine. I was going to try to talk to them in person before shutting down and giving up, but its whatever. This is nothing new, infact people have done worse. In the past I've even had two very close friends turn on me because I wanted to die. Eventually everyone would do something like that. I don't want to associate with anyone anymore. The price for being selfish and cold is losing me and that's what they all deserve. After getting mistreated and bullied for drawing, and then two years of hell in middle school, it was all for nothing. My one true talent-my art dream wasn't successful. Everything else I tried was just as much of a waste. I put in effort, strategy, commitment, time. etc and all I got was to watch other people succeed. I've lost my will to live and even if I hadn't, I would have just gotten the same result. This is how it all ends.
