134340
Student
- Aug 23, 2019
- 163
I've been mentally ill since I was 5, severely since I was 12, disabling since I was 19. I'm 25 now. I started smoking weed once in a while when I was 19 and it was a god send for me at a time when my life was spiraling into nothing. I kept it at maybe 2-3 times a month until late 2019 (around the time I joined this site, ha!). I was 21, hitting year 9 of my father's emotional abuse/neglect cycle, knowing I had to cut him off or I was going to end my life, and then I had a 6 week long manic episode. The last 2 weeks of September and all of October 2019 I slept maybe 35 hours total. I was fully psychotic by Halloween, when I finally got prescribed Haldol and it brought me down.
I then crashed into the worst depression I had ever experienced (until now) and started smoking every day. Then the pandemic only made it worse. I started using edibles to get high every single day in March of 2020. It helped for a while. It gave me a few hours out of the day where I didn't have to think about how shitty my life was. I was always told you couldn't get addicted to weed, so I wasn't worried about it at all.
I finally cut off my dad in August of 2020. 2021 was the best year of my entire life. My tolerance stayed the same until late 2021, when I noticed it was getting harder and harder to get high on the same amount. I realized I had a problem in June 2022 when homemade edibles that literally every other stoner in my group only needed a bite of to be on the moon weren't getting me high. And I was eating more than 1 entire cookie. I can eat 1800mg+ edibles and not feel anything. I literally can't get high anymore no matter what I do because my endocannabinoid system is so over saturated.
I've been trying to stop since April of this year but I genuinely feel like ripping my skin off when I don't have weed in my system. I don't feel the high anymore but it's like a medication, I need it in my system to function. This addiction started because I was so depressed I couldn't cope with breathing anymore, and now I'm right back where I started with no recourse on what to do next. all of the very little money I have goes to edibles. All I think about is getting high. I'm stopping today until Christmas but i honestly don't know if I'm going to survive it. Nobody around me understands because they all smoke every day and are fine. They're also not sick in the head like I am, so. Lucky them. I'm so tired of having this downplayed because it's "just weed". I feel so much shame and guilt every moment of the day for letting it get this bad, but I just didn't know. Nobody told me this could happen. If I had known I might've been smarter. Who knows, at least I could properly blame myself if I had known.
I then crashed into the worst depression I had ever experienced (until now) and started smoking every day. Then the pandemic only made it worse. I started using edibles to get high every single day in March of 2020. It helped for a while. It gave me a few hours out of the day where I didn't have to think about how shitty my life was. I was always told you couldn't get addicted to weed, so I wasn't worried about it at all.
I finally cut off my dad in August of 2020. 2021 was the best year of my entire life. My tolerance stayed the same until late 2021, when I noticed it was getting harder and harder to get high on the same amount. I realized I had a problem in June 2022 when homemade edibles that literally every other stoner in my group only needed a bite of to be on the moon weren't getting me high. And I was eating more than 1 entire cookie. I can eat 1800mg+ edibles and not feel anything. I literally can't get high anymore no matter what I do because my endocannabinoid system is so over saturated.
I've been trying to stop since April of this year but I genuinely feel like ripping my skin off when I don't have weed in my system. I don't feel the high anymore but it's like a medication, I need it in my system to function. This addiction started because I was so depressed I couldn't cope with breathing anymore, and now I'm right back where I started with no recourse on what to do next. all of the very little money I have goes to edibles. All I think about is getting high. I'm stopping today until Christmas but i honestly don't know if I'm going to survive it. Nobody around me understands because they all smoke every day and are fine. They're also not sick in the head like I am, so. Lucky them. I'm so tired of having this downplayed because it's "just weed". I feel so much shame and guilt every moment of the day for letting it get this bad, but I just didn't know. Nobody told me this could happen. If I had known I might've been smarter. Who knows, at least I could properly blame myself if I had known.
