Story I am turning 30 years old in less than an hour.

[Arvinneedstodie]

I haven't posted here in a long time. I'm currently in the last few moments of my twenties. I first joined this forum back when when I was 22, I said then that I wasn't going to be 23, and then I said the same about turning 25. Then it was 26, 27, 28, 29, and yet here I am at the age that I set as the absolute no go since I was a teenager. Yet a few mins before I turn 30, I'm stilling clinging on to that very abstract hope. Not really hope that I can see, more like a wish, a strong yearning wish to find that hope out of a seemingly ever worsening hopelessness. I wasted my entire twenties, I've allowed things to get worse because I said I wasn't going to live to the next year. I've missed opportunities because they didn't matter, because I wasn't going to live to see it. And now I'm turning 30...

I want to say so much more. I've lost so many people one way or another that I used to talk to on here. I'm sorry...

 

[Arvayn]

You really have been through so much. Maybe it's a sign to at least try even a little bit...? There's a tiny glimmer of yearning in there.
I won't wish you happy birthday, since this clearly isn't a happy moment for you and that's just an empty platitude regardless. I also don't know what you're apologizing for, but I think you deserve some compassion. Even at 30, life goes on, and you're still yourself. I really wish you all the best, and I'm sorry for you. Experiencing so much loss is fucking awful.

 

[soul2realm]

Happy Birthday. The feeling of yearning while time passes is mutual. If anything, it gets speedier the more we age.

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I'm sorry for all your suffering. I hope things get better for you, and that you were able to have some happiness on your birthday despite your circumstances.

 

[Honeyhato]

Just wanted to say happy birthday. I'm new here but hope you can have some brief respite on your special day

 

[metfan647]

Anhedonia, depression, anxiety all get eclipsed by having all those things AND getting older. I got through my twenties and early to mid thirties because of the vain materialistic pursuits that kept the poor mental health at bay. Now being disillusioned with it all, it's a very dark place.

I can't tell if your post is one of dispair or of a little hope remaining. In either case, I wish you a light day free of ruminating.

 

[astroproto]

I hope you find your hope, or that it finds you.