I am tired

[Water-Lily]

I just finished doing a bunch of unnecessary shopping

Since I am living on campus, I chose to invest in stuff for my living

From cooking wear to bathroom cleaning supplies, its been damn near over $300

Using some of my own money/my dads money, I've been doing a bunch of shopping

I still need to get more stuff but I have some basic essentials already

I also have to go back home to bring stuff back to campus

The more I've been away from home, the more I hate being that

The more I see how my freedom was stripped and this investment was necessary for me

But now everything is hitting me

Being up and down, having nobody to rely on, and my suicidal brain

I'm starting to think "maybe I'm too much for everybody"

My emotions

My trauma/abuse history

Everything about me is too much

I talk and put on a social face and then I'm cool for a while

But when the mask slips and my depression shows everyone starts to get upset

They back away, ask me questions, and tell me things I don't want to hear

Its like...I don't know if I want to be around anyone anymore

I don't want to socialize

I just want to be quiet and disappear

 

[Slow_Farewell]

Ah, the joys of adulting...

 

[Water-Lily]

Ah, the joys of adulting...

and I'm not doing it right

Went to GoodWill and they had a whole lot of nothing

Went to Target and when I saw how expensive shit was I had to restrict purchasing and use my own debit card

I'm approaching this in all the wrong ways

I feel so ashamed it's like....I wish I could obtain SN in a safe way

 

[Slow_Farewell]

For what it's worth, i don't think anyone does adulting correctly when starting out. Everyone has different perspectives, backgrounds etc that contribute to the whole, so there's no one way to do adulting correctly. I wish there was a detailed checklist on how it's done but.. there isnt one.

 

[smilinggirl]

I just finished doing a bunch of unnecessary shopping

Since I am living on campus, I chose to invest in stuff for my living

From cooking wear to bathroom cleaning supplies, its been damn near over $300

Using some of my own money/my dads money, I've been doing a bunch of shopping

I still need to get more stuff but I have some basic essentials already

I also have to go back home to bring stuff back to campus

The more I've been away from home, the more I hate being that

The more I see how my freedom was stripped and this investment was necessary for me

But now everything is hitting me

Being up and down, having nobody to rely on, and my suicidal brain

I'm starting to think "maybe I'm too much for everybody"

My emotions

My trauma/abuse history

Everything about me is too much

I talk and put on a social face and then I'm cool for a while

But when the mask slips and my depression shows everyone starts to get upset

They back away, ask me questions, and tell me things I don't want to hear

Its like...I don't know if I want to be around anyone anymore

I don't want to socialize

I just want to be quiet and disappear

why no one seems to understand those moments
I felt similar emotions last night... and it's so difficult to pretend nothing happened while all this remains a fixed point in mind.