Venting I am the stupidest smart person in the world!

[ScubaCTB]

Most people in this forum would enjoy having their own business with clients like I have. The money isn't consistent, but I get by without clocking in or having a boss. I keep myself in good shape. I eat well. I speak well. I'm not terrible looking. Yet my whole life is defined by horrible addictions I've had for 20 years, an STD that derailed by entire sex life for years, lying to cover all of this up, and I make stupid decision after stupid decision.

I've been living my life for the past several months like I know I'm going to die soon. I ran out of money and food, and have nothing else to pawn since I've already cleaned out my apartment and blew all my savings. So what did the stupidest smart person in the world do? He took on a new client and will now have to stay alive for at least two more months, and pretend like all is well with said people. More lying to myself and others.

And to add insult to injury, the adapter for my nitrogen tank arrived in the mail today. That's all I was waiting for to CTB. I can do your calculus homework, program in two computer languages, and can help you with legal issues. But I've never done anything right in life outside of work. I've seriously made the wrong decision in every situation in my personal life. And all of it started with my parents' divorce and me no longer being able to grasp the concepts of family, stability, and trust. It's like a snowball effect that once the bad decisions started, they just kept growing and growing. If I made even ONE right decision with all the biggest ones, my life would be so very different today.

I really hate myself and this world. I'm disgusted being me. There's absolutely no way to fix this train wreck of a life. And now I just prolonged it because I was hungry and had no food for a couple days, and no money. The new clients' payment showed up, I ate a huge meal, then realized, once again, I made yet another stupid decision. Wish someone would just kill me now!

 

[matt1968]

Hey, I feel your words and you're not alone in feeling this - they resonated with me.

 

[uzuf86]

I'm yet another phD holder that did tons of mistakes by making bad decisions after bad decisions - I've arrived at the the day where my guilt consumes anything I have left in my life and every day is torture

 

[Ninja_Master]

Regrets are what is eating me up. I can't go back so the next best option is to ctb. Hope death comes soon, can't stand living with all the regrets.

 

[Reasonably_Rational]

Same here. My life has been a series of one bad decision followed by another. I feel like I'm just smart enough to realize just how stupid I am.

 

[Slow_Farewell]

Can I claim the tag "Smartest Stupid Person"?

 

[ScubaCTB]

Regrets are what is eating me up. I can't go back so the next best option is to ctb. Hope death comes soon, can't stand living with all the regrets.

Yeah it's way too deep for me to fix. My parents' divorce separated me from all my friends, my hometown, my stability, my identity, and my family. I never really knew how to build fruitful relationships with people, especially women, thereafter. I long lost count. But from age 16 to about 24, I had sex with at least 200 girls/women, which is how I got an STD. That's the only way I felt love, the only way I thought I could feel love. So reckless and stupid. I quit the best jobs I ever had, threw away good friends due to lying all the time and moving all the time, gambled away large sums of money, lived in like 15 different towns in 20 years, changing jobs all the time, no stability, and that was also caused by the psychological damage of divorce.

Sorry everyone for repeating this. But sadly, my best relationship with a girl/woman was when I was 12 and she was 11; and we had sex. Then my parents' divorce and we were separated, and I missed her a lot, like my whole life. We got back together 30 years later...and that disaster was the nail in my coffin for me.

 

[uzuf86]

Yeah it's way too deep for me to fix. My parents' divorce separated me from all my friends, my hometown, my stability, my identity, and my family. I never really knew how to build fruitful relationships with people, especially women, thereafter. I long lost count. But from age 16 to about 24, I had sex with at least 200 girls/women, which is how I got an STD. That's the only way I felt love, the only way I thought I could feel love. So reckless and stupid. I quit the best jobs I ever had, threw away good friends due to lying all the time and moving all the time, gambled away large sums of money, lived in like 15 different towns in 20 years, changing jobs all the time, no stability, and that was also caused by the psychological damage of divorce.

Sorry everyone for repeating this. But sadly, my best relationship with a girl/woman was when I was 12 and she was 11; and we had sex. Then my parents' divorce and we were separated, and I missed her a lot, like my whole life. We got back together 30 years later...and that disaster was the nail in my coffin for me.

I know how you feel.. I had the same incredible life at one point, but there was no one to guide me nor did I open up to anyone to help me in my life.

 

[ScubaCTB]

I know how you feel.. I had the same incredible life at one point, but there was no one to guide me nor did I open up to anyone to help me in my life.

So damn true. Nobody to guide me. I kind of opened up to my high school counselor. But I changed high schools 3 times. I wanted to be successful for my parents. Once that bond was broken, I was broken. I had no adults guiding me. Back then a 14-year-old could work 45 hours a week, which I did while barely getting through high school. I wanted nothing from my parents, not even their money. My boss at my first job was more of my mother than my real mom.

You hit it on the head. If I had just ONE solid adult that I'd open up to and listen to in my teen years, none of this would have happened. But when you hold grudges against both of your parents, the chances of that happening are slim to none.

 

[uzuf86]

So damn true. Nobody to guide me. I kind of opened up to my high school counselor. But I changed high schools 3 times. I wanted to be successful for my parents. Once that bond was broken, I was broken. I had no adults guiding me. Back then a 14-year-old could work 45 hours a week, which I did while barely getting through high school. I wanted nothing from my parents, not even their money. My boss at my first job was more of my mother than my real mom.

You hit it on the head. If I had just ONE solid adult that I'd open up to and listen to in my teen years, none of this would have happened. But when you hold grudges against both of your parents, the chances of that happening are slim to none.

Even worse with me, I had my parents with me, and a family of my own as well. I still never reached out to them and made things sounds as serious as they were.
Sometimes I wonder if there would really be anyone else on this planet that who would ever live the most pathetic life like mine

 

[Argo]

If I made even ONE right decision with all the biggest ones, my life would be so very different today.

Deeply relate. It seems like you can't catch a break because any time you pick up momentum, something major always kicks you down. But I know that even with more luck, things fundamentally wouldn't change. They would only feel a bit different.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

I call your STD and raise you one loss of life savings in less than 3 years trying to play the stock market.

 

[ScubaCTB]

I call your STD and raise you one loss of life savings in less than 3 years trying to play the stock market.

I've blown a lot of money gambling too. Rather have only one than both, meaning STD and stupid gambling. Just curious...how much is life savings? I've blown enough for a very nice large house in my life. FYI, my STD seems to be healed now.

Even worse with me, I had my parents with me, and a family of my own as well. I still never reached out to them and made things sounds as serious as they were.
Sometimes I wonder if there would really be anyone else on this planet that who would ever live the most pathetic life like mine

Are you saying that right now, your parents are still together, and you have a family of your own, meaning a woman and kids?

 

[alone10]

Start again , and control yourself sex not everthing ،Sometimes you need to go to the desert to taste the taste of the desert To remember the water bottle

There are international stars who do not do random sex and are satisfied with one person. The last is your decision. Do not give anyone your money. Your money is your soul.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

I've blown a lot of money gambling too. Rather have only one than both, meaning STD and stupid gambling. Just curious...how much is life savings? I've blown enough for a very nice large house in my life. FYI, my STD seems to be healed now.


Are you saying that right now, your parents are still together, and you have a family of your own, meaning a woman and kids?

I don't know the exact amount, but easily over $100k

 

[ScubaCTB]

Start again , and control yourself sex not everthing ،Sometimes you need to go to the desert to taste the taste of the desert To remember the water bottle

There are international stars who do not do random sex and are satisfied with one person. The last is your decision. Do not give anyone your money. Your money is your soul.

Great. Where is the "start again" machine??