I am stuck in this cycle like some fairytale. By day: Optimistic and trying to improve, By night: tormented by intrusive thoughts and willing to CTB.

[BeautifulMosaics]

If only my stomach wasn't full (SN). I struggle with phobias/anxiety and intrusive thoughts. It's like my brain wants to torture me and cause me turmoil. I can feel my brain being sick. I'm only two days on microdosing and no SSRIs. So basically unmedicated. I saw something two days ago that triggered me and stayed with me for HOURS. Saw something else today. I was doing some meditations but in the middle I knew that if my stomach was empty I'd just drink the SN. I really would. These phobias and obsessive thoughts and my own brain being against me is too much, compounded with all the other rare bullshit disorders I have, mental and physical. I'm also past 25 and just feel old and like it's too late. I never did what I was supposed to do.

The last two days, I've been willing to kms then and there but won't risk vomitting and being found (stomach full). My brain is sick. I can feel it being weak. I say I'll do it when I wake up but I just go to microdose because that is something I have so much hope for, but I can't take this night-time torture. It literally is like something out of a fairytale. Night used to be my refuge. Now it's like a battle ground every night. I'm tired. I've been through so much in life. If I thought I could take the executive actions to achieving my music dream I wouldn't ctb. If I thought it was a possibility - it's the only thing I care about. Only thing to look forward to. The reason I was on this planet. But if I was going to persue that- I would've.

I'm tired and my brain is tired and sick. It torments me and hounds me. Maybe I'm too bored but either way that's still a part of me and not functioning properly.

I'm a strong person. I've been through so much.

I've been into meditations recently for these issues, I've never actually tried to fight this problem because I was on SSRIs before and it was NEVER this bad. If I had started all these self-help tools and therapy years ago, I'd have the energy and willingness to do this. But it's too late and I'm too tired and am not willing to suffer anymore. It's also about feeling like I've run out of time. Anyway just my little rant.

I wonder is anyone else stuck in some sort of optimism loop? It's delusion I think. I'm very good at deluding myself. I'm a strong daydreamer and creative type, not good with reality, live in my mind, happier there, pisces, if you believe in that stuff.

 

[dumpstermagic]

quit microdosing and take some sleep aids to go to bed earlier

 

[SexyIncél]

How are mornings? And sleep/dreams? Are your anxieties personified; is there a common theme?

 

[cowie]

what you are struggling with sounds very tough and I wish you the best on your journey.

Delusional optimism is what sustained me until I was 25 and then I looked around and realized how bad my life was. I really empathize with you on that. I wish I used my time better but even now I'm not sure how I would prioritize things even with hindsight.

 

[Uncensored]

I'm in a similar situation. The night time is when I have the most mental clarity. My reasoning is at its best, and I make better decisions. Unfortunately, the more I think, the more I feel like there's nothing to keep going for. I remember how much I really suffer during the day and remember that it's just going to keep going, and when it's over I'll suffer more in a different way. During the day, though, I'm sleep deprived, distracted by college, unable to reason and surrounded by (fake) friends who help me forget about it. During the day, sometimes I can imagine a happy (delusional) future. At night, I realize how stupid it is. But at night, the ctb options are unavailable to me.

I have found no solution to this, but I hope you can find one and maybe having someone to relate to will help you, I know reading yours helped me