thinkkank
Experienced
- Oct 16, 2019
- 282
I recently found my brother's Facebook page. I hadn't spoken to him in years and found his photos on Facebook. He is living his best life. He's got a great job, a place of his own, going out with friends to Korean bars, drinking expensive rice wine, hiking, even going on boat tours, riding speed boats and kayaking! He's probably got some ladies in his life right now. Women love boats and rice wine. He probably does well on dating apps. He's probably got women I could only dream of sending him all kinds of messages. At this rate he's going to get a wife, kid, a promotion, the whole nine yards. I am happy for him. He is a success. Our family would be proud of him. He has all the hallmarks of success. On the other hand I am bitter as fuck! I don't have anything. Things are just getting worse and worse.
It was always like this. He did better in school, natural athlete, had more friends, better with girls. He beat me at every sport we played together, even video games. He won medals and trophies. Of course he would do better in adulthood. He never had mental problems that held him back.
All of this confirms what I knew all along: I am a loser. You know how much you suck when you compare yourself to someone who doesn't suck. That's just life. There will always be losers and winners. Some people will just have more. What really stings is that it's someone close to me. I got the loser genes which make me mentally ill, short, fat, a complete failure at everything, he got the good genes, the tall genes, the athlete genes, the more testosterone genes.
I was destined to lose, and the fact that someone close to me was destined to win makes that fact hurt even more. It really is just luck. He was born with things that gave him huge advantages, and I was born with things that gave me disadvantages. It could have been the other way around. His successful traits showed up at an early age, and my mental problems and physical problems showed up at an early age too. That's how you know it's genetic. That's how you know it was decided before I was even born. It could have been that I get some of those winner genes and he gets some loser genes, but no, I got all of the bad ones and he got all of the good ones.
I just need to rant a little. This shit really got me in the pits. I was scrolling through the photos and reels and I was just spiraling into depression. I've got nothing. He has everything and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.
This world will continue to be kind to him and it will be cruel to me. This is why I know that there is a rope or a bullet or a vile of poison in my future. I am not living to see old age. I am not living to see what this fucked up world has in store for me.
He will have things that I will never have. He will travel to places that I will never get to see. He will get women that wouldn't even look at me. They'd spit at me or call the cops if I tried to talk to them. He will have a lifestyle that I could never afford. He will be able to support my mother and family financially, give them a better life, make them proud. He will have accomplishment after accomplishment. If he ever gets into a relationship, that love is going to be real. She'll respect him, brag about him, take care of him, genuinely love him. I will never experience that. I'd have to pay a woman just to pretend to tolerate me. I just have to live with that.
I am going to continue to lose, like I have always lost. Seeing someone close to me win just proves that. If life can make someone win over and over again, it can make someone lose over and over again. That's what it will be like for me. That's why this shit has to end on my terms. Why should I let life beat me over and over again. There is no reward in this life.
When I was younger I thought my ship would come in. I thought that all the bullshit I went through was going to lead to some reward. I thought there was justice in the universe and that I was going to get some good out of this life. Nope. That only applies to winners. The universe just keeps rewarding them.
A few more years of this life is what's in store. I just need to scratch a few more things of my bucket list, and then that's it. It's not going to get better. There is no pot of gold at the end of this dark rainbow.
It was always rigged against me. I should have realized that sooner. I should have given up sooner. All those years of hoping, trying to make things better. I should have just accepted that I am not meant to win. It would have saved me so much time. You can't fix being a loser. If life selects you to lose, you'll just lose until the day you die. It's better not to try. It's better to just give up early and accept things. If I could I would go back in time and tell my younger self to just quit. Just accept your station in life, try to enjoy what little you can and just quit. Accept the loser role. The loser role is eternal, primordial, as fundamental as gravity. Some people have to be losers. Some people have to have less. Some people have to be fucked over by life again and again and again.
I am wiser now. I know what this journey is. It is meant to torment me. To beat me over and over again.
The only thing I can do is just accept things as they are. Some people have to lose. Some people have to suffer more. I have to eat it. Chew it. Roll it in my mouth. Savor that bitterness and swallow it painfully. I have to wallow in this, drown in this. I'm writing this shit with tears in my eyes. I just need to post this.
Am I fucked up for seeking comfort among fellow losers? I am sure that I am in the company of people whose family members are doing really well. I am in the company of fellow black sheep, whom our respective families have either disowned or feel embarrassed to be around us.
People always say life is tragic and unfair. You want to agree with them, but you don't want to experience it firsthand. You don't want to be a textbook example of how tragic it is.
A few more years guys. A few more years of this bullshit, and then peace. It has to end on my terms. I just need to squeeze some good out of this mess. I know I can get something out of this life. Even if it is a pittance, it's better than nothing.
It was always like this. He did better in school, natural athlete, had more friends, better with girls. He beat me at every sport we played together, even video games. He won medals and trophies. Of course he would do better in adulthood. He never had mental problems that held him back.
All of this confirms what I knew all along: I am a loser. You know how much you suck when you compare yourself to someone who doesn't suck. That's just life. There will always be losers and winners. Some people will just have more. What really stings is that it's someone close to me. I got the loser genes which make me mentally ill, short, fat, a complete failure at everything, he got the good genes, the tall genes, the athlete genes, the more testosterone genes.
I was destined to lose, and the fact that someone close to me was destined to win makes that fact hurt even more. It really is just luck. He was born with things that gave him huge advantages, and I was born with things that gave me disadvantages. It could have been the other way around. His successful traits showed up at an early age, and my mental problems and physical problems showed up at an early age too. That's how you know it's genetic. That's how you know it was decided before I was even born. It could have been that I get some of those winner genes and he gets some loser genes, but no, I got all of the bad ones and he got all of the good ones.
I just need to rant a little. This shit really got me in the pits. I was scrolling through the photos and reels and I was just spiraling into depression. I've got nothing. He has everything and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.
This world will continue to be kind to him and it will be cruel to me. This is why I know that there is a rope or a bullet or a vile of poison in my future. I am not living to see old age. I am not living to see what this fucked up world has in store for me.
He will have things that I will never have. He will travel to places that I will never get to see. He will get women that wouldn't even look at me. They'd spit at me or call the cops if I tried to talk to them. He will have a lifestyle that I could never afford. He will be able to support my mother and family financially, give them a better life, make them proud. He will have accomplishment after accomplishment. If he ever gets into a relationship, that love is going to be real. She'll respect him, brag about him, take care of him, genuinely love him. I will never experience that. I'd have to pay a woman just to pretend to tolerate me. I just have to live with that.
I am going to continue to lose, like I have always lost. Seeing someone close to me win just proves that. If life can make someone win over and over again, it can make someone lose over and over again. That's what it will be like for me. That's why this shit has to end on my terms. Why should I let life beat me over and over again. There is no reward in this life.
When I was younger I thought my ship would come in. I thought that all the bullshit I went through was going to lead to some reward. I thought there was justice in the universe and that I was going to get some good out of this life. Nope. That only applies to winners. The universe just keeps rewarding them.
A few more years of this life is what's in store. I just need to scratch a few more things of my bucket list, and then that's it. It's not going to get better. There is no pot of gold at the end of this dark rainbow.
It was always rigged against me. I should have realized that sooner. I should have given up sooner. All those years of hoping, trying to make things better. I should have just accepted that I am not meant to win. It would have saved me so much time. You can't fix being a loser. If life selects you to lose, you'll just lose until the day you die. It's better not to try. It's better to just give up early and accept things. If I could I would go back in time and tell my younger self to just quit. Just accept your station in life, try to enjoy what little you can and just quit. Accept the loser role. The loser role is eternal, primordial, as fundamental as gravity. Some people have to be losers. Some people have to have less. Some people have to be fucked over by life again and again and again.
I am wiser now. I know what this journey is. It is meant to torment me. To beat me over and over again.
The only thing I can do is just accept things as they are. Some people have to lose. Some people have to suffer more. I have to eat it. Chew it. Roll it in my mouth. Savor that bitterness and swallow it painfully. I have to wallow in this, drown in this. I'm writing this shit with tears in my eyes. I just need to post this.
Am I fucked up for seeking comfort among fellow losers? I am sure that I am in the company of people whose family members are doing really well. I am in the company of fellow black sheep, whom our respective families have either disowned or feel embarrassed to be around us.
People always say life is tragic and unfair. You want to agree with them, but you don't want to experience it firsthand. You don't want to be a textbook example of how tragic it is.
A few more years guys. A few more years of this bullshit, and then peace. It has to end on my terms. I just need to squeeze some good out of this mess. I know I can get something out of this life. Even if it is a pittance, it's better than nothing.
