Venting i am so scared and i hate it

[00ps]

i have never felt more pathetic than when i have all the material i need and the confidence and the time and the place and the note and every single thing i need and yet still can't. it's fucking scary. i don't believe in an afterlife so that's just it for me. it's genuinely fucking terrifying. i can put the rope around my neck and start to do it but i just panic so badly and i can't do it. i've been trying for so fucking long (years now) and i just end up with panic attacks.

i feel so pathetic and i feel like i am just stuck in my head. i can't get over how scary it is and i hate it. i wish i had a method like SN that's available because i just need to die in my bed with all my stuffed animals and photos and stuff. maybe while playing a video game, idfk. i just need to be distracted so i don't think about it and hanging isn't a method i can really distract myself from in the last moments

i hate that there isn't a publically available method that doesn't suck ass. SN sucks because it needs all these meds but at least i can have 30 minutes of peace right before hand. with every single other thing it's stress and anxiety. and turns out, i'm real shit at handling that

i'm such a fucking wuss
death shouldn't even be a big deal because we all die in the end anyways., so what's the difference now?
i hate being scared
it makes me feel like im a little kid again and theres thunder and lightning going on outside and all i know how to do is just hug and cry
this sucks

 

[Canto XIII]

You probably know this already, but you shouldn't be hard on yourself for this. We are living beings and death is naturally scary for us, always. All arguments trying to overcome the fear of death with rationality, starting with Epicurus's, fall short because of this basic biologic fact.

Just to be clear, I'm not saying this to encourage your attempt, as I don't know your situation and it's always safer to assume you have something to live for, I'm just stating a fact.