I have met a woman she seems to be somewhat interested in me. I am really scared that I fuck it up like in the past. I think this will likely happen. I imagine all the scenarios how I could screw it up. All my attempts to get a gf failed absymally. I also have the theory that my conditions make a partnership with another human being almost impossible: I have bipolar, OCD and I am obsessed by politics. The latter is either caused by bipolar, psychosis, OCD or even Asperger?
I am just annoyed by my brain. It will drive me to commit suicide. I have such a strong desire for a partner. It could hurt me extremely if my illnesses once again destroy my opportunity to get a gf. I am not sure what the biggest problem is. I think I might talk about too much about politics about which I am quite embarrassed. I am not sure what causes this. I can say when I was in a manic episode it was worse. When I am depressed I am not talking this excessively about it. Then I am only obsessed about suicide but I can better control me. I have texted a girl for a long time when I was depressed. And her mental problems ruined it and not mine. When I was manic I also texted a girl. I ruined it due to my mania. This is another big reason why I dislike mania. I probably can't have a healthy partnership with another woman when I am in a manic episode.
I am feeling hope since I have met her. But I will be so heartbroken when I fuck it up. Life can be so cruel. Maybe if I fuck it this time up I will stop trying. Maybe I should isolate me from female beings. There is a party of one of my friends soon. And two of them bring their gfs with them. One of the guys always brags about his gf etc. I have cut him fully out of my life. We were somewhat good friends but I just cannot such comments. Moreover he talked sometimes pejoratively about my mental illnesses. I don't need a friend like this.
I just hate my brain. I hate it so fucking much.
There is a another girl who is somewhat interested in me. But we are only friends. I never approached her and noone made the first move. I think this has several good reasons. I would say I am not fully sane. But she is not fully sane either. Maybe this is how other women look at me when we get to know each other. And god fucking damn this just hurts so much.
I won't start with her a relationship for some reasons. She is manicdepressive and sometimes psychotic. She has often the delusion that the medication would be lethal for her. She always stops taking medication no matter how often she has relapsed. I think she has some cognitive problems that she cannot see through her delusion. Me and thousand of professionals begged her to take the medication. Nothing worked and it is likely that she will get one relapse after another till she dies during a manic episode. She almost died a few times during her episodes. Partly she has the delusion she had to kill herself or she dances on the streets.
I have the assumption she was sexually abused during her last mania. She is quite sexually promiscuous during her manias. I think she would not be able to have a monogamous relationship. She is looking good. But exploiting her in the same way (sleeping with her/not abusing) would let me feel horrible. I would not feel good about that because I think she is not fully sane. I know maybe it is not ethically to think about that but to some part it is only natural. I think she is quite attracted to me. But just for speculations: I think she would never abort a child (we once talked about that I think) and damn with both of our fucked up genes...sorry I have a responsibility that this does not happen. I could also imagine she had some STDs. She seems to sleep wih a lot of men during mania.
Oh and she started to take hard drugs since her last mania. I am worrying a lot about her. And I am glad that I am not her therapist or something. I think many professionals are very desperate concerning her condition.
Maybe these both stories don't fit well together. I am very scared of getting rejected. This will hurt so much. When this hope that I currently have is crushed I will be so extremely desperate.
I am just annoyed by my brain. It will drive me to commit suicide. I have such a strong desire for a partner. It could hurt me extremely if my illnesses once again destroy my opportunity to get a gf. I am not sure what the biggest problem is. I think I might talk about too much about politics about which I am quite embarrassed. I am not sure what causes this. I can say when I was in a manic episode it was worse. When I am depressed I am not talking this excessively about it. Then I am only obsessed about suicide but I can better control me. I have texted a girl for a long time when I was depressed. And her mental problems ruined it and not mine. When I was manic I also texted a girl. I ruined it due to my mania. This is another big reason why I dislike mania. I probably can't have a healthy partnership with another woman when I am in a manic episode.
I am feeling hope since I have met her. But I will be so heartbroken when I fuck it up. Life can be so cruel. Maybe if I fuck it this time up I will stop trying. Maybe I should isolate me from female beings. There is a party of one of my friends soon. And two of them bring their gfs with them. One of the guys always brags about his gf etc. I have cut him fully out of my life. We were somewhat good friends but I just cannot such comments. Moreover he talked sometimes pejoratively about my mental illnesses. I don't need a friend like this.
I just hate my brain. I hate it so fucking much.
There is a another girl who is somewhat interested in me. But we are only friends. I never approached her and noone made the first move. I think this has several good reasons. I would say I am not fully sane. But she is not fully sane either. Maybe this is how other women look at me when we get to know each other. And god fucking damn this just hurts so much.
I won't start with her a relationship for some reasons. She is manicdepressive and sometimes psychotic. She has often the delusion that the medication would be lethal for her. She always stops taking medication no matter how often she has relapsed. I think she has some cognitive problems that she cannot see through her delusion. Me and thousand of professionals begged her to take the medication. Nothing worked and it is likely that she will get one relapse after another till she dies during a manic episode. She almost died a few times during her episodes. Partly she has the delusion she had to kill herself or she dances on the streets.
I have the assumption she was sexually abused during her last mania. She is quite sexually promiscuous during her manias. I think she would not be able to have a monogamous relationship. She is looking good. But exploiting her in the same way (sleeping with her/not abusing) would let me feel horrible. I would not feel good about that because I think she is not fully sane. I know maybe it is not ethically to think about that but to some part it is only natural. I think she is quite attracted to me. But just for speculations: I think she would never abort a child (we once talked about that I think) and damn with both of our fucked up genes...sorry I have a responsibility that this does not happen. I could also imagine she had some STDs. She seems to sleep wih a lot of men during mania.
Oh and she started to take hard drugs since her last mania. I am worrying a lot about her. And I am glad that I am not her therapist or something. I think many professionals are very desperate concerning her condition.
Maybe these both stories don't fit well together. I am very scared of getting rejected. This will hurt so much. When this hope that I currently have is crushed I will be so extremely desperate.
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