Venting I am poison

[Jisatsu]

I am poison.
Not the fun kind.. not the beautiful, colorful venom that makes you go "wow" before it kills you.
I'm the invisible kind. The kind that leaks into the water slowly until the fish float belly-up and everyone's too confused to know why.

I ruin people without fireworks.
I ruin them quietly, with disappointment, with tired sighs, with the way I turn every kind thing sour just by existing near it too long.

I don't explode. I corrode.
I'm not even a tragic villain ... just a slow, boring disaster that everyone regrets letting in.
And the worst part?
I can't even tell if I want to be saved or if I just want someone to sink with me.

I tell myself I don't mean to hurt people. And maybe that's true. But the damage still happens, like secondhand smoke. I can watch someone's light dim and still keep talking, keep taking, keep making it about me.

I'm not a hurricane. I'm mold.
I don't crash in and destroy. I just… linger. And by the time anyone realizes I'm the reason they can't breathe right anymore, I've already seeped too deep to wash out.

The tragic part? I know I'm like this. I know I'm a weight. But I keep pretending maybe this time will be different. That I'll be better. That I won't turn warmth into ash, that I won't make someone regret knowing me.

But the pattern never breaks.
I'm the common denominator in every ruined friendship, every failed love, every awkward silence that lasts too long.

I am poison.
And I am so, so tired of watching people drink from me thinking it's water.

 

[dumed1]

Me too, me too

 

[concession]

At least you are relevant and can still attract people

 

[fedup1982]

I am poison.
Not the fun kind.. not the beautiful, colorful venom that makes you go "wow" before it kills you.
I'm the invisible kind. The kind that leaks into the water slowly until the fish float belly-up and everyone's too confused to know why.

I ruin people without fireworks.
I ruin them quietly, with disappointment, with tired sighs, with the way I turn every kind thing sour just by existing near it too long.

I don't explode. I corrode.
I'm not even a tragic villain ... just a slow, boring disaster that everyone regrets letting in.
And the worst part?
I can't even tell if I want to be saved or if I just want someone to sink with me.

I tell myself I don't mean to hurt people. And maybe that's true. But the damage still happens, like secondhand smoke. I can watch someone's light dim and still keep talking, keep taking, keep making it about me.

I'm not a hurricane. I'm mold.
I don't crash in and destroy. I just… linger. And by the time anyone realizes I'm the reason they can't breathe right anymore, I've already seeped too deep to wash out.

The tragic part? I know I'm like this. I know I'm a weight. But I keep pretending maybe this time will be different. That I'll be better. That I won't turn warmth into ash, that I won't make someone regret knowing me.

But the pattern never breaks.
I'm the common denominator in every ruined friendship, every failed love, every awkward silence that lasts too long.

I am poison.
And I am so, so tired of watching people drink from me thinking it's water.

If nothing else, your writing reads like comforting poetry. It's ironic because you say that comfort is the opposite of what you and people around you feel.

If you ask me, it sounds like you're struggling, and that explains why you're doing what you do, you have a choice, yet you don't. It's one of those taunting contradictions in life.

It makes me feel very lucky to have people around me that I do because they have found a way of vaguely being comfortable around me.

I'm guessing you've just been unlucky in some way. Maybe you get into bad dynamics with the people you've met, through no fault of anyone's, I don't know.

But there's one but of advice I can give is it's easier to change ourselves than other people, I hope that helps you move forward. But don't beat yourself up, it's counterproductive!

 

[Jisatsu]

At least you are relevant and can still attract people

How am I relevant?

 

[Hollowman]

I'm the same way. The world would've been better off if I would've went through with my plan when I was twelve.

 

[ChiseHatori]

I also relate to this. Very beautifully put.

 

[Nightfoot]

You're human, and that's okay.

 

[RoseGirl]

real

 

[concession]

How am I relevant?

You do need to be relevant to other people to have a way to meaningfully hurt them. Not an easiest thing to do.

 

[Bruce]

You do need to be relevant to other people to have a way to meaningfully hurt them. Not an easiest thing to do.

Point!

 

[deep-sleeper]

I get that. And watching someone finally stop drinking from your poison hurts, knowing it's for the better

 

[Bruce]

Now that's strength.