Venting I am not myself

[Monolithian]

Do you ever feel like who you want to be and who you are are so impossibly different?

There are people who I admire, people who I really want to be like, a version of me I want with all I have. I don't mean this in an 'I'm forcing myself to be someone else for others' kind of way, although I do that too. It's a strong desire, a need almost, for something you can never quite reach. I'm sure all the trans folk here will get it. For me, that's a part of it, but it goes a step further.

It's just distressing that I will never get to be who I want to be. It feels like I'm living in a body that is not mine, speaking with words that aren't my own, acting on thoughts I didn't think. I feel so far removed from myself, a complete stranger to myself, and it's so isolating and horrible I honestly can't bear to live like this sometimes. I don't even know if there's a name for what I feel. There certainly isn't a fix.

 

[HuntingHigh]

As soon as I read the title ik you were trans.
I feel the exact same way and it's the reason I want out. I feel like we're here to be cruel jokes, the fact that we can never be ourselves but only imitations makes it worthless.

Most my peers might not be happy, they got problems too, some real bad ones, but at least they are themselves.

I've read countless threads, vents, stories of trans people. It's all the same. Traped and hopeless. There really is no help for us.
And it's not just our bodies but lives and experiences too, unless you're rich and lucky you probably had the wrong childhood, wrong socialisation, mismatched upbringing and puberty. I personally missed out on so much of that critical development period that no matter what I try to do it all just feels like a crude act.