I don't know why I'm still here. I've been considering rail suicide, but I'd feel bad for the people inside the train. I know a guy who is a locomotive engineer. Told me he was a "glorified truck driver" lol. He's a regular customer. Really nice guy. In fact, he essentially got me the job at the new place I'm starting at. I wouldn't say I'm close to him or anything, but I imagine it would be hard to hear of someone your kid's age dying that way, being in that profession. He told me he was on the scene when a kid "accidentally" walked in front of a train in our area. I wonder what that was like to deal with. Scary. I saw a clip on the internet of, I guess either the locomotive engineer or conductor's perspective from a train. It's through a little window. But there's no stopping if you see someone standing out there. They get electrocuted and shredded up in the wheels. Not very romantic, and it'd be arguably selfish.
Someone sent me an SN source a while back, yet I didn't purchase it when I first got it. I don't know if it's still available, but I figure I'll check. I guess I just still had some hope. I looked at it and thought it was too expensive to risk me deciding not to go through with it, considering I live alone and have many other expenses. I guess I still have some hope. Things are okay, genuinely. I'm just lonely. I broke up with my boyfriend because I felt like he had been relatively cruel to me as well as being generally inconsiderate and unreliable, but it could've been in my head like he seemed to imply. He didn't want me to have friends and we'd been together over a year, so I don't. I agreed to that because the people I'd been friends with when I'd met him weren't especially kind. I also have not been on speaking terms with my family since Christmas. I just couldn't stand the neglect they put me through growing up, which they refuse to acknowledge, and the one sister I have that is "taking my side" is likely only putting on a show for me and talking badly to our family behind my back. It's just how it is. I know the desire to be validated by your parents and your grandparents, and for some it's worth creating a scapegoat. I want to distance myself from that. It's been hard. My therapist told me that a lot of people going through what I am would be doing heavy drugs to cope, so it's an accomplishment that I've stood up for myself and sought psychiatric treatment at my age while staying sober. I'm trying to be better, but everything just keeps getting worse. I tell myself that if I take life at my own pace, it'll all come together eventually, but I don't crave much more than connection right now. Not even money. Just a warm body to snuggle up next to. Someone that won't hurt me. Mutual affection. I don't know.
I don't think I'm going to make it. Life sucks.
I wish everyone peace and happiness in whatever form it may come.
Someone sent me an SN source a while back, yet I didn't purchase it when I first got it. I don't know if it's still available, but I figure I'll check. I guess I just still had some hope. I looked at it and thought it was too expensive to risk me deciding not to go through with it, considering I live alone and have many other expenses. I guess I still have some hope. Things are okay, genuinely. I'm just lonely. I broke up with my boyfriend because I felt like he had been relatively cruel to me as well as being generally inconsiderate and unreliable, but it could've been in my head like he seemed to imply. He didn't want me to have friends and we'd been together over a year, so I don't. I agreed to that because the people I'd been friends with when I'd met him weren't especially kind. I also have not been on speaking terms with my family since Christmas. I just couldn't stand the neglect they put me through growing up, which they refuse to acknowledge, and the one sister I have that is "taking my side" is likely only putting on a show for me and talking badly to our family behind my back. It's just how it is. I know the desire to be validated by your parents and your grandparents, and for some it's worth creating a scapegoat. I want to distance myself from that. It's been hard. My therapist told me that a lot of people going through what I am would be doing heavy drugs to cope, so it's an accomplishment that I've stood up for myself and sought psychiatric treatment at my age while staying sober. I'm trying to be better, but everything just keeps getting worse. I tell myself that if I take life at my own pace, it'll all come together eventually, but I don't crave much more than connection right now. Not even money. Just a warm body to snuggle up next to. Someone that won't hurt me. Mutual affection. I don't know.
I don't think I'm going to make it. Life sucks.
I wish everyone peace and happiness in whatever form it may come.
