I am genuinely an evil person.

[TotalEclipse]

I just had to stop myself from attempting partial again without having the pills. Dying painfully and full of despair isn't conductive to my spiritual plans for when I am done with this body. So, I just needed to post here about it instead because I have no other real support system.

I have DID, and had a pretty large system, but the only alters I haven't been able to integrate through therapy and my own work are the ones who hold the bigoted ideas from the group that abused me. I just went off another short spree of making hateful comments online, and when I was able to get control over myself again, I wanted to end it then and there. I tell myself I hate this and that I'm not really like that, but if that were the case, why has my mind allowed them to continue existing unintegrated? Is it me tolerating it because I deep down agree with them? I don't know.

Having to hold off on my death in order to help with my goals for after this life is really painful right now because I don't want to continue living with this brain with DID in it.

 

[Ferreter]

I hear you and DID is a terrible disorder to suffer from, I can't imagine what the pain is like to go through that and the internal turmoil you must feel from it. It's not your fault that you have it and it does not make you a bad person. Thank you for sharing with us, I hope doing so provided some sense of much needed relief.