Venting I am full of hate and a painful self awareness.

[pony No.2]

I'm aware of how much I hate certain things in life but I don't see how hating something makes me a bad person when the feeling of hate comes naturally to me, to humans in general, I hate being around people, I hate noise, I hate interacting with others, I hate socializing, I hate the world itself for making me a part of it. Even if I ever do get diagnosed with a personality disorder, I still wouldn't hide behind that, I'd still be a bad person and would fully accept that I am one. I would still be fully aware of everything I do. (I hate specifically that stuff above because of my sensory issues, ADHD, and past negative experiences.)


Yes, sure. I'm happy when socializing with certain people I'm close to, but when I'm alone I'm reminded of the dirty and ugly parts of myself, but then again this isn't about them and how they feel, they don't feel hatred on a level I do, they don't hate themselves, they don't feel like making others unhappy because they're unhappy.


Which is why I take it out on myself, my sadness and anger, out on myself via cutting or taking many pills to sleep for a while and be groggy as a way of detaching myself from emotions and physical sensations. I don't care if I'm a bad person for feeling hate, I'm already painfully aware and mature enough to know why I feel the way I do. I always have been. I'm a young adult yet I've already been shaped by my own trauma and negative experiences with no real emotional support from anyone as a child. Changing is simply not possible for me, changing my way of thinking will do nothing, I already know why people do certain things, knowing the reason behind something just makes me hate that thing even more. I'm able to function daily, my thoughts are just angry, I'm able to experience joy and happiness, but that hate is still there.


I'll eventually die from my bad habits, the drinking, cutting, consumption of drugs that'll destroy my liver, and more. Until then, I'm a hateful person who's aware of their actions and words and how they may hurt someone but doesn't care. Why would a person like me be worthy of life? Why am I worth saving? I know why, because they think they can "help" people, and don't actually care about what the person is going through, all they care about is preserving life, regardless of that person's quality of life.

(Also, the main reason I felt like venting was because of people on Instagram bitching about me hating kids.)

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think it's more about how we act on our emotions. Hating a bunch of things is one thing. Expressing that hate in a violent way- verbally or physically is another. Saying you hate children to a bunch of adults is also different to being verbally nasty to the child itself.

I agree- that we can't exactly help what we feel annoyed by. We can try to figure out how reasonable we are being though and how we can try to prevent ourselves acting on our annoyance.

It doesn't sound like you are acting on your hatred though. The primary person this seems to be hurting is you. I suppose that's something else though. Do you want to spend your time feeling angry or, do you want to try to tackle that in some way?

I agree though- feeling emotions- even negative emotions doesn't mean we are 'bad'. Although- it can surely make it far more likely we will react in a bad way.

I sometimes think that about the more extremes in society. Take nuns and monks. They seem to remove themselves as much as they can from sources of temptation. Which of course- must take an act of will power. Wouldn't it be more impressive though- to live a very pious life in a city- with temptations all around constantly? How impressive is it to not be tempted with so little temptation around?

If we are talking about sin and judgement- if there even is a God- how will they judge someone? Presumably, some people are far more affected by temptation than others- addicts say. Some are very quick to anger. Those are surely traits they were born with to some extent. Cursed with sometimes. So- if those people managed to resist those traits- shouldn't they be rewarded more, next to someone who was always more naturally placid and not even tempted to sin to begin with?

 

[pony No.2]

Saying you hate children to a bunch of adults is also different to being verbally nasty to the child itself.

Yeah and that's the thing, I'm not violent towards children at all or verbally abusive towards them either. I can coexist with them just fine, the second they start crying or making a bunch of noise is when I'm reminded of why I hate them. I don't go out my way to cause them any harm or distress, I avoid them at all costs if possible really.

When it comes to sensory issues, my mind in that moment doesn't care about reason or understanding behind the noise or who's causing it, it just goes "Make it stop, NOW! This is irritating!! I want out of this situation!!"

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yeah and that's the thing, I'm not violent towards children at all or verbally abusive towards them either. I can coexist with them just fine, the second they start crying or making a bunch of noise is when I'm reminded of why I hate them. I don't go out my way to cause them any harm or distress, I avoid them at all costs if possible really.

When it comes to sensory issues, my mind in that moment doesn't care about reason or understanding behind the noise or who's causing it, it just goes "Make it stop, NOW! This is irritating!! I want out of this situation!!"

That doesn't seem unreasonable to me. Plenty of noises irritate me. Including children sometimes.

I suppose what I try to remind myself is- I was an irritating child at one point. I also made the mistake of moving to an area where a lot of families live. Also, there are bound to be things I do now that irritate other people. So, to some extent, we are all trying to tolerate one another as best we can. But sure- in the moment, that likely doesn't do much to stop the irritation.

Have you got noise cancelling headphones? Do they even work?

 

[pony No.2]

That doesn't seem unreasonable to me. Plenty of noises irritate me. Including children sometimes.

I suppose what I try to remind myself is- I was an irritating child at one point. I also made the mistake of moving to an area where a lot of families live. Also, there are bound to be things I do now that irritate other people. So, to some extent, we are all trying to tolerate one another as best we can. But sure- in the moment, that likely doesn't do much to stop the irritation.

Have you got noise cancelling headphones? Do they even work?

I have earbuds, they work pretty well. I considered saving enough money to live far out away from people. No matter how hard I try to understand something from another perspective, it feels like I don't care, and it makes me want to isolate myself even more.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I have earbuds, they work pretty well. I considered saving enough money to live far out away from people. No matter how hard I try to understand something from another perspective, it feels like I don't care, and it makes me want to isolate myself even more.

I know what you mean. I'd love to live away from people too.