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LonelyKitten

LonelyKitten

Seeking one final escape
Aug 13, 2023
284
Holy jesus.
I have been released??

I want to post about my experience as it relates to Sectioning and Beachy Head, so it may contain useful information for folks having to deal with those things in the UK.

Here's the other threads:

Brief re-summary:
I wanted to visit Beachy Head, got put on Section 136 -> assessment for Section 2.
S136 expires after 24 hours, since no ward beds were available the A&E kept me either unlawfully or under legal grey area grounds.
For 7 days.
Th Oct 5th 11 PM - Fr Oct 6th 11 PM was S136, I got out today Fr Oct 13th.

So as y'all heard, I'd been resisting and whining every single day I was held, preferring to die rather than get transferred to the ward.
(being kept in psych ward is huge trauma for me cuz happened as a child when I came out as trans)

Today I was completely dejected and had honestly given up on freedom, be it via death or release.
I called a solicitor anyway about the Sectioning/detention.

So I don't remember the details completely perfectly as everything just happened so damn quick, so this is just a jumbled mess of info points:
First I give them information, and apparently they contacted the hospital, then called me back.
The person from the solicitor's line misunderstood that the S136 is still active or was extended (because I said Thursday, but that was *last* Thursday).
I explain the exact dates and info more clearly.
They said since I'm not formally on the Section 2 yet they can't fully represent me yet (which apparently might've been free?).
Okay, sounds like I'll go no matter what, but I can have legal help once I'm thrown in.
They said they'd review things with the solicitor themselves and get back to me within the day.

What happened very shortly after that I cannot comprehend.
Suddenly, an actual doctor comes in, a new one.
With a social worker I'd seen before.
The strangest part of all was, he said, oh, someone called saying they were my family and were concerned about me being here (???).

They wanted to move me to the medical ward (not mental) from A&E, and said I can speak with him and another social worker (new one I hadn't seen before), within the hour.
He tries to get me to open up one more time, tell my story openly.
I'd been very defensive and secretive about everything because I tried to treat them like cops, you know, the less you say?
What was different this time is that no matter as I keep being apprehensive and the conversation drags, this doctor was not cold or left mid conversation - it almost felt as if he was trying to get me to say things in favor of my release?

So I reluctantly go to the medical ward, making sure at every step that I know the path back and am free to physically leave.

Convo starts.
SUDDENLY!
I am listened to, and can fully go off!
So I give them my best points I can think of.
-Had a return flight ticket, I missed it because they held me. They said I had a one-way ticket as part of the reasoning behind the initial Sectioning.
-I'd been there for a week.
Never hurt myself or left without giving notice, despite having minimal supervision, and learning all the ins and outs of the A&E by that point (I could easily walk out the front door within like, 3-5 minutes at any point)
-I love to travel, been to a ton of countries.
Recently Germany has a 49 € train ticket for the whole country. Within weeks I went to almost every part, all across. I showed how on the map, a place near the sea I went to.
How I found it disappointing, and how Germany is mostly landlocked, so I couldn't get to see the sea there very well.
-So with that I had an interest to see the sea - I'd been to UK twice, it's cheap to travel there and I semi know my way around, then I learned of Beachy Head.
I am kinda goth (noticeable in my irl clothing) and have long held a fascination with the macabre (because I love life so much!) - so Beachy Head peaked my interest the most as a place that is not just pretty for viewing the sea, but has such a strikingly opposing connotation as a place where many die. (of course stating that I have no clear intention of hurting myself or ctbing, *wink wink*)
-I explain I'm fucking weird and do everything strangely to wave away my odd profile.
All of this is... 'technically' true!

And, I can't believe it. They accept it??
The doctor keeps saying "yeah you definitely don't need to be here".
They ask me for a basic plan, which ended up just saying I have friends in UK I might visit, I can buy a flight home, and I'll just sleep a night in Eastbourne to plan where to go next.
Doctor tells everyone I'm not under Section and free to go.
The social worker drives me to a hotel and pays for a one-night stay. Really fancy looking place actually.
We had a nice chat on the way, cuz she's from America, too!

What the hell.
If we look at the raw facts.
This could've turned into imprisonment and deportation. (they kept saying "repatriate" when I asked about longer term, and previously refused all my offers of me just going to the airport and leaving. I was actually on the way to Gatwick and could've gotten there with just one train when the police stopped and brought me back after I left yesterday)
Instead, I had, on the positive end, a whole week worth of genuinely nice food, diazepam whenever I wanted it, and a private, comfy room all to myself. Could charge my electronics and had full internet the whole time.
Of course, I spoke about the negatives ad nauseum. Being detained against my will, supervised and checked on fairly often, having to be paranoid about any single thing I say or do, not knowing what'll happen to me next etc etc.
Now they even paid me a hotel room.

??????

My luck is once again off the damn charts.

I swear to god that lawyer must've pulled some Saul Goodman or Phoenix Wright shit on the phone.
There is no way they suddenly believed me, or that I made some kind of good enough argument.
Some level of legal threat must've done the trick here.

Even the social worker that drove me to the hotel found went kinda like "what an adventure you had huh? "

So that is my ridiculous story.
I am now fully free again.
What do I do with my freedom?
God I don't even know anymore.
Life is so damn crazy.

I'm still scared. I'm still afraid of re-victimization.
But maybe this shows I am lucky, or even strong enough, to fight it when it does happen?
Maybe that means I don't have to die to stay safe.
I don't know. All this threw me off center.
I still don't have anywhere long-term safe to go.
I wish I had more time to think. But I just don't.
Maybe I visit my friend in the UK.
He said during this he'd love to see me if I can come to him.
Maybe I just go where the wind takes me.
Maybe I just keep listening to my instincts.
It seems that following them works out somehow, for no discernable reason whatsoever.
Maybe these instincts can keep me safe from the suffering I fear, even safer than death itself?

Thank you all so, so much for your support during all this. I wouldn't have made it out, or stayed "sane", without that.


As far as Beachy Head is concerned, for myself and others:
It is heavily patrolled.
They warned me to go back there.
I kinda wanna stick it to them all and go anyway, but I'd probably just get detained again.
The social worker tipped me off that apparently since COVID, Beachy Head had went much deeper as far as the whole ctb-spot thing goes.
I guess to safely use it as a method you'd need to be very good at masking, and ideally arrive in a car.

Hope this is of use or interest to anyone. Cheers.
 
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F&Inside

F&Inside

🌊🌊🌊
Aug 9, 2023
160
Hello Kitten
Glad to know that you have made it out!
No doubt all this information can be of help! Thanks for sharing and I think we can all learn from this experience too.
I wish you the best
 
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LonelyKitten

LonelyKitten

Seeking one final escape
Aug 13, 2023
284
I've actually got a little update on this:
After the free hotel stay expired, I went to Beachy Head on the same day.
I wanted to, almost out of spite now.
I should be allowed to visit!
I should not be treated differently from those with better means to mask! (cars, more funds, more friends, etc.)
I told them I had planned to visit it day and night, and damn it, that's what ended up happening.

I figured out the trick.
The Eastbourne Sightseeing tour.
Doesn't always run all year!
But it's a 10 £ ticket for the whole day (runs from ~10 AM to ~ 4 PM).
If you go to Beachy Head during the day, through this bus and act relatively normal, you'll be left alone.
I never encountered any Chaplains on the actual cliffs.
Some folks were puzzled by all my luggage, but I got to wave it off as bein' a traveler.

It was... beautiful.
Such a stunning sight.
Nature at its absolute best from all I have seen (and I have seen a lot! I've traveled a lot. I have visited 7, by technicality 8 countries, many of them repeatedly, so far).
I made a picture album (hidden, imgur, anonymous email, throwaway acct), but I don't know if I'm allowed to share the link here.

I will be honest, I considered to jump.
On a pure logical level, I was ready, too.
I knew it would be a *good* decision, and hours of arguing with myself could not beat the logic.
But I couldn't.
I sat there, in my little spot up the tallest part of a steep drop on the cliff I could find.
A little cave-in let me park all my stuff, eventually even myself.
I could not find a spot that would land me straight in water, but this was the next best thing.

Hours passed. Day turned to night.
I stayed there, and no one else was there at any point. Any patrols were so far out I was never noticed.
It was warm and sunny, yet breezy when I got there.
Then it turned cold, cold, cold, as I got closer and closer to night.

I couldn't do it.
Just one drop.
Irreversible.
No one would find me before I drown or succumb to my injuries, even if I survived the initial drop.
So no realistic risk of surviving disabled.

Watching this scape, my entire life replayed in my head.
I follow the raw logic, and I couldn't beat it, even under intense survival instinct.
It is a strong move for me to die now.
It is genuinely a good idea.
In fact, I felt my death would have been very nice at that moment.
I felt content with my notes, and the manner I'd prepared everything.
No need to revise anything anymore.

But. We're just animals. It's hard. It's so hard.
Instead of releasing myself from all suffering, I froze my ass off all night, sitting in the dirt.
I was cold, miserable and lonely - almost no water or food, and no bathroom.
I had my powerful flashlight to fight the darkness, but had to be very careful in its usage, not to alert any chaplains across the road.
No person came by at any point, though lots of cars drove past on the road below.
I did not ask for any help.
It felt like it would have been the right choice to die, and calling for assistance risks the ward, which I also identify as having been the correct choice for me to have avoided it.

Ironically, I *chose* to suffer, instead of ending my suffering.
This is the first time I have rough slept since... 2019.
Even when I was homeless again the following year (I've been homeless around 13-14 months total, not counting my current predicament), I have ALWAYS avoided this.
Do not rough sleep.
It is horrible!

Regardless of the horror, this was such an ethereal experience.
I saw the stars, more vividly than ever before - I could even see the lines between them, like in those constellations.
Constantly thinking if I am about to return to nature, become one with it, in a way.

In the end, I couldn't pull through, waiting in misery until the bus would run again to take me away.
I was there for about 16 hours.
In the morning on my way back, I passed friendly people and had little chats.
In fact, one couple was SUPER nice.
I had good chemistry speaking with the lady, and the gentleman RAW LIFTED my 23 kg suitcase and carried it all the way up the hill!
Allowing me to actually make it in time for the first bus off Beachy Head for the day (~10 AM), otherwise I'd have taken VERY long to get there.
It was uphill, and I was completely dead from freezing all night, and only having had one meal that day.

After this event, I made a compromise with myself.
I want to try to exhaust all my options, no matter how ridiculous they sound, *while* still leaving ctb as an option. It needs to be there, my perfect safety.
So basically, I try my best to find a route to safety without jeopardizing my escape.
I seek to call any resources I can find as soon as the week restarts.
I might travel somewhere else, even.

THIS is what would have happened if the Chaplains did not intervene and let me take my natural course.
Honestly, I don't even know how anyone *CAN* jump? It's absolutely terrifying!
My usual delusional thinking turned off.
I couldn't make myself believe anything mystical.
If I fall there, I irreversibly stop.
That is it. Full stop.
But, see?
Did not die.
And I am now closer in progressing to trying to think of a possible solution to survive.

I want to. At least... one more try.
I'm just scared of suffering in the worst way possible to me - of being trapped again in an indefinite manner.
Still aware that death might be my safest bet.
I have no support, and have to shoulder this all myself with publicly available resources, yet have to escape my home country to avoid this imprisonment from happening.
I don't know how this could possibly work out.

But I wanna make a few more calls, ask a few more questions.
Maybe another miracle can be born, like the one that saved me when I was 18.
Apparently, to some degree, they still exist, when I fight hard enough, as seen by this surprising escape from being locked in the ward.
 
Last edited:
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claraisnotcarol

claraisnotcarol

from dust to dust
Oct 4, 2023
111
I've actually got a little update on this:
After the free hotel stay expired, I went to Beachy Head on the same day.
I wanted to, almost out of spite now.
I should be allowed to visit!
I should not be treated differently from those with better means to mask (cars, more funds, more friends, etc.)
I told them I had planned to visit it day and night, and damn it, that's what ended up happening.

I figured out the trick.
The Eastbourne Sightseeing tour.
Doesn't always run all year!
But it's a 10 £ ticket for the whole day (runs from ~10 AM to ~ 4 PM).
If you go to Beachy Head during the day, through this bus and act relatively normal, you'll be left alone.
I never encountered any Chaplains on the actual cliffs.
Some folks were puzzled by all my luggage, but I got to wave it off as bein' a traveler.

It was... beautiful.
Such a stunning sight.
Nature at its absolute best from all I have seen (and I have seen a lot! I've traveled a lot.)
I made a picture album (hidden, imgur, anonymous email, throwaway acct), but I don't know if I'm allowed to share the link here.

I will be honest, I considered to jump.
On a pure logical level, I was ready, too.
I knew it would be a *good* decision, and hours of arguing with myself could not beat the logic.
But I couldn't.
I sat there, in my little spot up the tallest part of a steep drop on the cliff I could find.
A little cave-in let me park all my stuff, eventually even myself.
I could not find a spot that would land me straight in water, but this was the next best thing.

Hours passed. Day turned to night.
I stayed there, and no one else was there at any point. Any patrols were so far out I was never noticed.
It was warm and sunny, yet breezy when I got there.
Then it turned cold, cold, cold, as I got closer and closer to night.

I couldn't do it.
Just one drop.
Irreversible.
No one would find me before I drown or succumb to my injuries, even if I survived the initial drop.
So no realistic risk of surviving disabled.

Watching this scape, my entire life replayed in my head.
I follow the raw logic, and I couldn't beat it, even under intense survival instinct.
It is a strong move for me to die now.
It is genuinely a good idea.
In fact, I felt my death would have been very nice at that moment.
I felt content with my notes, and the manner I'd prepared everything.
No need to revise anything anymore.

But. We're just animals. It's hard. It's so hard.
Instead of releasing myself from all suffering, I froze my ass off all night, sitting in the dirt.
I was cold, miserable and lonely - almost no water or food, and no bathroom.
I had my powerful flashlight to fight the darkness, but had to be very careful in its usage, not to alert any chaplains across the road.
No person came by at any point, though lots of cars drove past on the road below.
I did not ask for any help.
It felt like it would have been the right choice to die, and calling for assistance risks the ward, which I also identify as having been the correct choice for me to have avoided it.

Ironically, I *chose* to suffer, instead of ending my suffering.
This is the first time I have rough slept since... 2019.
Even when I was homeless again the following year (I've been homeless around 13-14 months total, not counting my current predicament), I have ALWAYS avoided this.
Do not rough sleep.
It is horrible!

Regardless of the horror, this was such an ethereal experience.
I saw the stars, more vividly than ever before - I could even see the lines between them, like in those constellations.
Constantly thinking if I am about to return to nature, become one with it, in a way.

In the end, I couldn't pull through, waiting in misery until the bus would run again to take me away.
In the morning on my way back, I passed friendly people and had little chats.
In fact, one couple was SUPER nice.
I had good chemistry speaking with the lady, and the gentleman RAW LIFTED my 23 kg suitcase and carried it all the way up the hill!
Allowing me to actually make it in time for the first bus off Beachy Head for the day (~10 AM), otherwise I'd have taken VERY long to get there.
It was uphill, and I was completely dead from freezing all night, and only having had one meal that day.

After this event, I made a compromise with myself.
I want to try to exhaust all my options, no matter how ridiculous they sound, *while* still leaving ctb as an option. It needs to be there, my perfect safety.
So basically, I try my best to find a route to safety without jeopardizing my escape.
I seek to call any resources I can find as soon as the week restarts.
I might travel somewhere else, even.

THIS is what would have happened if the Chaplains did not intervene and let me take my natural course.
Honestly, I don't even know how anyone *CAN* jump? It's absolutely terrifying!
My usual delusional thinking turned off.
I couldn't make myself believe anything mystical.
If I fall there, I irreversibly stop.
That is it. Full stop.
But, see?
Did not die.
And I am now closer in progressing to trying to think of a possible solution to survive.

I want to. At least... one more try.
I'm just scared of suffering in the worst way possible to me - of being trapped again in an indefinite manner.
Still aware that death might be my safest bet.
I have no support, and have to shoulder this all myself with publicly available resources, yet have to escape my home country to avoid this imprisonment from happening.
I don't know how this could possibly work out.

But I wanna make a few more calls, ask a few more questions.
Maybe another miracle can be born, like the one that saved me when I was 18.
Apparently, to some degree, they still exist, when I fight hard enough, as seen by this surprising escape from being locked in the ward.
I have nothing more to say than this post is absolutely beautiful
 
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Z

Zaphkiel

IDK
May 13, 2023
173
Congrats on everything!!! i wish you the best and don't forget this website and all its community is here to help, you just have to browse it while clear headed so it's not just a downward spiral of bad emotions.

i'm in the same state as you since a couple month. Will prolly buy SN, put it somewhere, and keep it as a last ressort while exhausting all the option i have
 
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EternalShore

EternalShore

Hardworking Lass who Dreams of Love~ 💕✨
Jun 9, 2023
799
This was a very nicely written story to read through! :) I liked it a lot! ^_^
 
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LonelyKitten

LonelyKitten

Seeking one final escape
Aug 13, 2023
284
and don't forget this website and all its community is here to help, you just have to browse it while clear headed so it's not just a downward spiral of bad emotions.
I honestly love this advice, thank you.
I feel like I fell too deep into the overwhelming negative emotions (not by Sasu's fault specifically, it's something I've always struggled with, BPD), and allowed them to destroy important things in my life.

Can't say it won't happen again, there will be new hardships.
But I hope I am learning about better ways to keep the emptiness and the destruction at bay... at least in theory. god I wish I could go back at least a year with all this info
 
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LonelyKitten

LonelyKitten

Seeking one final escape
Aug 13, 2023
284
Sorry for double post again (are those a problem in this forum?) but I figured out something that might be interesting regarding Beachy Head method:

As I previously established, without a car or very good masking skills it's hard to go up to Beachy Head unless you take a bus right into the heart of it.
Chaplains patrol the roads leading to it but not so much the high cliffs themselves (at least, I sure found an uninterrupted spot for 16 hours...)
So while the 10 £ all-day bus I mentioned seems to run until Oct 29th (I'm not sure when it usually runs each year, according to Google Maps it won't again for the rest of 2023), there is one more alternative outside this limited timeframe.

It seems that, according to Google Maps, on Sundays only, during the early day, the 13X Coaster runs from Eastbourne into the heart of Beachy Head.
I can't 100 % confirm this because I have not taken that route (though I have taken the 12 Coaster before - that 49 min walk route is what got me Sectioned), though I did notice an oddly placed other bus stop a bit away from the Sightseeing tour one.
It lands a little more shy of the Pub than the Sightseeing tour, but it should work for safely arriving at the Cliffs just the same.
At least google maps tells this outside of this October, as otherwise you'd have to walk 49 min (raise suspicion) from the other side via the 12A/12X Coaster.

As an aside, I cannot believe the strangez strange coincidenced surrounding this visit.
I didn't know about the Sightseeing tour when I flew here!
Yet I happened to overlap with it perfectly, arriving a few days after it began in its only month the rest of this year lol


Hope this is useful info for anyone considering this method (or just wanting to see the damn pretty cliffs in peace smh).

@edit: Bonus aside, kinda off-topic:
I rough slept again today, this time in town (a million times nicer than on the cliffs oml).
I see no trespassing signs.
No police harrasses me.
Law seems to be fairly okay on that stuff when I look it up.
And best of all?
The house in front of which I'm sleeping had a couple come out and approach me.
I tell them upfront if they want me to leave I will.
But uhm.
They bring me tea and biscuits instead...

Gosh people have been so sweet to me here!
It's such a departure to my home country.
I have felt more welcome vagrant in the UK as a mere visitor than I ever have housed in Germany as a Citizen (never been homeless in Germany! beyond some couch surfin')
Kinda wish I could stay...
 
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S

Scythe

Lost in a delusion
Sep 5, 2022
526
Your post describing the beautiful nature has such well written imagery!

Congrats on fooling the authorites! Good luck on recovery. Maybe you should try a writing gig.
 
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F

Forever Sleep

Earned it we have...
May 4, 2022
8,125
Thank you for sharing your story. It's really interesting. I'm from the UK. I think a lot of your treatment is to do with how under resourced the NHS is. I get the impression that in the US, it's a lot more likely you would be sectioned to a psyche ward. I expect they'd like to do it here too but, seeing as they can't charge us or our insurance, they simply don't have the funds or space. So, they are probably under greater pressure to turn people away to some extent. I think so much of it is box ticking exercises and the paper trail. If it looks like they acted properly in accordance with what information you gave, it actually makes a kind of sense to me that they went along with your story.

I had a police welness check after buying SN from IC. I was reasonably open with them but insisted that I didn't intend to use it imminently and that I didn't feel like I was mentally unstable. They weren't exactly happy about it but eventually, they left me (and my SN) alone.

I think they can sometimes have quite a narrow idea of what a suicidal person is! Still- that's how it should be I think. Suicide isn't illegal in this country. I personally don't have a problem with being checked- to see whether I am of sound mind but- after that- it's up to me. Not that I think they believe that. I think it's more to do with the lack of resources but- it works in our favour.

I'm glad you got out. I agree too, these sorts of things- while frightening can prove to us that we can actually handle this sort of thing. I guess, because there's no choice in the matter!
 
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wiinterfrost

wiinterfrost

it only gets worse..
Oct 8, 2023
116
hi kitten! i read your story (sorry i never replied back when i asked for updates, things were rough) and wow it is so good that you got free! honestly the whole thing was bullshit...
and reading this part was really, really beautiful. your writing is so good. thank you for sharing your story and your experience.
 
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steppenwolf

steppenwolf

Not a student
Oct 25, 2023
135
I'm not sure what your expectation of [mental] health services in the United Kingdom is as a Colonial, but British people try to avoid them if at all possible, as they will happily let people suffer and die if it saves them money. On paper the National Health Service is all about misappropriating public money from people who need public health care, and UK doctors are promoted precisely on that basis, rather than on their ability to help people with their more or less expensive health issues that they can do nothing about for themselves.

The upshot of this is that the most well-paid NHS doctors are front line consultants who ostensibly tell patients to fuck off home and die. And they are very adept at doing exactly that whilst appearing to be perfectly considerate and professional. To get actual treatment however, you have to keep complaining and demanding to see another doctor, and another, until finally after some weeks or months, you may be seen by an underpaid and overworked more or less competent doctor behind the front lines, who actually helps people and wants to help people.

That clean bill of health, complimentary hotel room and the aeroplane ticket has saved your NHS doctor's department both the expense of providing your full course of treatment to its successful completion, and the possible scandal of your being found at the foot of their cliff after they turned you away, had they not then put you on an aeroplane to make your issues somebody else's responsibility. But nothing has really changed for you, other than you enjoyed the thrill of escaping confinement by the British authorities, and got to witness for yourself for once in your life the spectacular view from the top of Beachy Head, and share the experience with some random people on a suicide discussion forum. Those cliffs are a half million or more of years old. The chalk itself is a hundred millions of years old. People have been casting themselves in surrender from atop them to their ends ever since humans first arrived in Britain. Nowadays the local authorities are somewhat uptight about it, because the corpses quickly pile up and become a public nuisance and health hazard if the cliffs are left unsupervised.
 
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