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LonelyKitten

LonelyKitten

Seeking one final escape
Aug 13, 2023
284
Well guess who's not the brightest bulb.
I got myself sectioned. 136.

You see, I'm terrible at lying, because it feels inherently wrong to me.
With police specifically I worry it can be a crime.
And tbh I'm really lonely atm so I'm all vulnerable to the comforting speak.

I really want to leave.
I was outside in the dark and it was so pretty.
So raw. So natural.
It felt so good.
Now I feel restrained, and I worry they'll put me in a hospital.
I didn't commit any crime or hurt anyone...

I should've given the slip somehow when I was being questioned.
I feel so stupid.
Why is it practically illegal to be this free.
I can't take this world anymore, I think.

I have to get out of here this situation as soon as possible, oh my god.
Panic won't do me good, panic won't…
The initial officers were really friendly, but now that I'm in the hospital (for an assesssment, not a mental hospital), it feels so bad.
So clinical, so false.
I don't want to be here.
 
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AllFoxedOut

AllFoxedOut

Arcanist
Jun 7, 2023
474
I'm really sorry this happened to you. I know the wait to be assessed is scary, but I hope you're free soon :( stay safe.
 
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SmollMushroom

SmollMushroom

send N pls
Sep 27, 2023
405
What 136 means?
Good luck for your situation. I have never been in a similar one so idk I hope it's not that bad.
 
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Mrpickles

Mrpickles

Member
Sep 29, 2023
67
I'm not entirely familiar with the section 136 housing. Can't say if a crime was committed. But if you truly didn't know, best thing you can do it be honest with them. Exceptions can always be made... depending on where you live. I hope they let you out soon
 
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Foreverix

Foreverix

Aeternum Vale
Sep 18, 2023
204
What 136 means?
Good luck for your situation. I have never been in a similar one so idk I hope it's not that bad.
It's glorified kidnapping by the police to detain, assess, and treat someone suspected of having a mental illness in a hospital setting against their will. Mental Health Act 1983, not United States, UK.

I'm sure most people would be scared of getting in trouble, so they comply. But I have no idea what public relations is like overseas with the police. I just know that in the US, you don't answer questions and don't ever let them in. Like vampires.
 
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LonelyKitten

LonelyKitten

Seeking one final escape
Aug 13, 2023
284
What 136 means?

I'm really sorry this happened to you. I know the wait to be assessed is scary, but I hope you're free soon :( stay safe.
Thank you.
They said mental health team is out until at least *9 AM*.
Cripes, it's 1:43 AM.

They suspected that I wanted to ctb, basically.
I think I should wiggle out of this.
I'm scared that I'll lower my guard if they speak about "help" and all that.

At least they haven't noticed my self-harm lines yet despite searching me.
I'm being all chatty (about casual stuff) hopefully that makes me seem like I'm feeling better or something.

I don't know.
I should've let them take me to a hotel and played myself of as a little "unsafe" damsel.
I wish I could be back out in the night.
I felt at home.
 
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Foreverix

Foreverix

Aeternum Vale
Sep 18, 2023
204
I wish I could be back out in the night.
I felt at home.
Hang in there, LonelyKitten.

The sun rises, but the sun also sets. (Shameless Ryan Adams plug)
 
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D

Done_Surviving

Student
Sep 17, 2023
105
I'm sorry you're going through this. If you really want to get out as soon as possible, you will have to lie your ass off, convince them you're fine, that there's nothing they should worry about and that when they found it was all a big misunderstanding because you didn't want to ctb in the first place. Wishing you the best of luck, and I hope you get out soon.
 
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LonelyKitten

LonelyKitten

Seeking one final escape
Aug 13, 2023
284
Thank you all for the support!
This is the only space that really understands how this feels.

Gonna be honest.
I'm getting more and more scared thinking about this.
I don't wanna be locked in a box again.
I can't go outside or to the bathroom rn without police following me, and having to ask first.
Have to ask for water, basic stuff.
Am I 25, or 5? Am I a criminal?
I don't hurt people. This control...

I have severe trauma about being held against my will.
The officers said to mention that to the assessment team, but I doubt they'll care.
I just don't have faith in mental health providers.

I effectively can't walk around and listen to music, which I normally use to calm down.
There are 2 outright police officers assigned to watch me 24/7, until I get that 3-people mental health team assessment at some point in at the earliest 5 and a half hours from now.

Does anyone, maybe even with past Section experience, have further advice on this stuff?
More info about the process, strategy I could use?
Maybe the more I know, the likelier I can maneuvre this well.

I'm sorry you're going through this. If you really want to get out as soon as possible, you will have to lie your ass off, convince them you're fine, that there's nothing they should worry about and that when they found it was all a big misunderstanding because you didn't want to ctb in the first place. Wishing you the best of luck, and I hope you get out soon.
Thank you for your advice.
I'm worried to *outright* lie, because it may be a crime?
At least in the US, which I'm used to, it would be.
Culture shock!

I'm sure most people would be scared of getting in trouble, so they comply. But I have no idea what public relations is like overseas with the police. I just know that in the US, you don't answer questions and don't ever let them in. Like vampires.
Unfortunately it seems like my personally known US rules of don't talk don't apply here.
If I hadn't spoken/complied during the questioning, they would've detained me much earlier on. I think actually in hindsight, the fact I tried to non-respond/wave off a bunch made things worse.
I miss the US >.< Police never gave me problems there... Even when I was *literally* homeless for months, in total 13-14 months.

sorryw to panic so much. I'm scared.
 
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Foreverix

Foreverix

Aeternum Vale
Sep 18, 2023
204
I'm worried to *outright* lie, because it may be a crime?
I would probably be scared in your position too. The time I was voluntarily admitted to a private mental hospital was not a good experience. But try to keep in mind that it's temporary. This thread had me reading up on the UK's mental health laws, and they are fucking horrid. I don't think they are helpful as much as they are pushing people away from seeking help by stripping them of certain freedoms. The police are there when you don't need or want them, and never there when you're actually in danger.

I'm not a lawyer, but it isn't necessarily a crime to tell them that you feel fine, it was all a misunderstanding, and that you have no intention of harming yourself. Of course if you don't feel this way, you can be honest. But then you're looking at a 72 hour hold, minimum. The police aren't going to let you go, they've already invested hours into holding you captive.

Whatever you choose, they can't keep you for very long. I understand you don't like lies, and I honestly find that charming. But sometimes lies work in your favor, especially if you don't like being put in a box.
 
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N

nessun_nome

Student
May 7, 2023
146
Well guess who's not the brightest bulb.
I got myself sectioned. 136.

You see, I'm terrible at lying, because it feels inherently wrong to me.
With police specifically I worry it can be a crime.
And tbh I'm really lonely atm so I'm all vulnerable to the comforting speak.

I really want to leave.
I was outside in the dark and it was so pretty.
So raw. So natural.
It felt so good.
Now I feel restrained, and I worry they'll put me in a hospital.
I didn't commit any crime or hurt anyone...

I should've given the slip somehow when I was being questioned.
I feel so stupid.
Why is it practically illegal to be this free.
I can't take this world anymore, I think.

I have to get out of here this situation as soon as possible, oh my god.
Panic won't do me good, panic won't…
The initial officers were really friendly, but now that I'm in the hospital (for an assesssment, not a mental hospital), it feels so bad.
So clinical, so false.
I don't want to be here.

Lying isn't normally a crime. Let's start from there.

Can you concoct a story about a temporary distress? You don't say what you were doing that caused the Police to section you, but how about you say you were overwhelmed by things that happened to you and you just needed to get away from them temporarily? Or you say it happens when you are tired or stressed but after a good sleep things get better.

Good luck. Let us know how you get on.
 
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claraisnotcarol

claraisnotcarol

from dust to dust
Oct 4, 2023
111
did the police cought you trying to ctb or hurting yourself? I don't wanna pry and don't tell if you don't want to. but you are NOT a criminal.
I can't believe how strict they are in the US. here in Spain they practically don't care at least you're in your deathbed or a psychopath or you pay private.

remember kitten, even though impatient is hard and traumatic, you have a community here to support you and talk to❤️
 
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LonelyKitten

LonelyKitten

Seeking one final escape
Aug 13, 2023
284
Thank y'all again for the support :heart:
This is still hard and scary but at least I'm not fully alone.
I'll try my best to incorporate your respective advices to find a solution.
Gonna have to talk well.

Managed to fall asleep for like 2-3 hours.
Woke up at 7 AM.
I feel worse and worse the more time passes.
Passed out again, now it's 12:13 PM.

The 2 police officers watching me at all times switch every, 6 or so hours?
This is the fourth pair, and they are *pissed*.
I'm not sure if at me, but they keep complaining that the medical staff isn't "showing up", "hurrying up", or in general just resolving the situation, like they hate they have to be here.

A hospital staff member did show up just now, and I was given more info:
They told me they can only hold me 24 hours.
There is a 12 hour extension, but they said to me can only invoke it for "certain" reasons, like if I needed medical intervention, had injuries, did self-harm, took unauthorized medication or smth.
Said my assessment will happen until 11 PM (24-hour mark in my case) or they have to let me go.
And then that assessment, apparently 2 psychs 1 social worker, decides what happens next.
Maybe this info is useful if someone else is sectioned (this is a 136 section specifically, btw).

did the police cought you trying to ctb or hurting yourself? I don't wanna pry and don't tell if you don't want to. but you are NOT a criminal.
I can't believe how strict they are in the US. here
This is in the UK. I'm not 100 % sure but I doubt anything like this would play out back in the US.
Uh, well, they found me outside walking at deep night. I was having a good time outside in nature tbh, it was nice.
Listening to music, checking out the night environment, taking pictures.
Felt free and all.
I was not outwardly exhibiting any suicidal or self-harm behaviors, from the outside it was primarily "unusual" (like, to the average person).
I was in an area where mainly only cars went, but during the interactions I was assured repeatedly I wasn't committing any crimes by being there.

Out of the blue I got stopped by a car with "chaplains".
I tried a lot to leave and stop the conversation, or avoid giving identifying info, but I guess I botched it.
I think my hesitations and omissions made them more suspicious.
They escalated to calling police (without letting me know, but tbh I saw one of them suddenly talk on the phone in the car, so I figured at that point), and eventually the whole interaction got me sectioned.
I never outright said anything about self-harm or ctb.

I was also quite direct, many times over, about wanting to leave and checking whether I'm being detained/arrested, or in which case I might be.
But again, I may have simply butchered the interaction somewhere along the way.
I don't discount that I didn't know what to do.
 
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darkenmydoorstep

darkenmydoorstep

Not Waving But Browned Off….
Sep 27, 2023
505
Bless you. I can't imagine how horrible and scary that must be. My freedom is everything to me. I hope things start working out for you soon, whatever that personally means to you. Sending you strength and love xx
 
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FuneralCry

FuneralCry

Just wanting some peace
Sep 24, 2020
35,254
That must be so horrible, I despise how we exist in this society where suicidal people are treat like criminals, it's just so incredibly inhumane.
 
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darkenmydoorstep

darkenmydoorstep

Not Waving But Browned Off….
Sep 27, 2023
505
Thank y'all again for the support :heart:
This is still hard and scary but at least I'm not fully alone.
I'll try my best to incorporate your respective advices to find a solution.
Gonna have to talk well.

Managed to fall asleep for like 2-3 hours.
Woke up at 7 AM.
I feel worse and worse the more time passes.
Passed out again, now it's 12:13 PM.

The 2 police officers watching me at all times switch every, 6 or so hours?
This is the fourth pair, and they are *pissed*.
I'm not sure if at me, but they keep complaining that the medical staff isn't "showing up", "hurrying up", or in general just resolving the situation, like they hate they have to be here.

A hospital staff member did show up just now, and I was given more info:
They told me they can only hold me 24 hours.
There is a 12 hour extension, but they said to me can only invoke it for "certain" reasons, like if I needed medical intervention, had injuries, did self-harm, took unauthorized medication or smth.
Said my assessment will happen until 11 PM (24-hour mark in my case) or they have to let me go.
And then that assessment, apparently 2 psychs 1 social worker, decides what happens next.
Maybe this info is useful if someone else is sectioned (this is a 136 section specifically, btw).


This is in the UK. I'm not 100 % sure but I doubt anything like this would play out back in the US.
Uh, well, they found me outside walking at deep night. I was having a good time outside in nature tbh, it was nice.
Listening to music, checking out the night environment, taking pictures.
Felt free and all.
I was not outwardly exhibiting any suicidal or self-harm behaviors, from the outside it was primarily "unusual" (like, to the average person).
I was in an area where mainly only cars went, but during the interactions I was assured repeatedly I wasn't committing any crimes by being there.

Out of the blue I got stopped by a car with "chaplains".
I tried a lot to leave and stop the conversation, or avoid giving identifying info, but I guess I botched it.
I think my hesitations and omissions made them more suspicious.
They escalated to calling police (without letting me know, but tbh I saw one of them suddenly talk on the phone in the car, so I figured at that point), and eventually the whole interaction got me sectioned.
I never outright said anything about self-harm or ctb.

I was also quite direct, many times over, about wanting to leave and checking whether I'm being detained/arrested, or in which case I might be.
But again, I may have simply butchered the interaction somewhere along the way.
I don't discount that I didn't know what to do.
Are they not watching what you are doing on your phone? (Ie this?)
 
claraisnotcarol

claraisnotcarol

from dust to dust
Oct 4, 2023
111
I don't know how the conversation could've been but it's just... so much? like, okay if someone at night was concerned or found you "strange" I wouldn't find it weird for them to maybe call just to see if everything is alright, say the good nights, maybe a slap on the wrist, go home. but, getting sectioned? what the hell was the police thinking? it makes me so mad
 
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LonelyKitten

LonelyKitten

Seeking one final escape
Aug 13, 2023
284
Are they not watching what you are doing on your phone? (Ie this?)
Nope. They've been on their phone a lot too.
I'm not in a ward or anything (yet), I'm in just technically an A&E (ER) right now.
Using a VPN for good measure.

I had the assessment.
2 psychiatrists (very uncaring vibe), 1 social worker and another social worker in training.
It felt very adversarial.
I tried my best to try and tell them I'm just different and on vacation and stuff.
I do travel a lot and I'm just weird etc.
I have a strong fear that this might not turn out well. They'll tell me in a bit.

I don't know how the conversation could've been but it's just... so much? like, okay if someone at night was concerned or found you "strange" I wouldn't find it weird for them to maybe call just to see if everything is alright, say the good nights, maybe a slap on the wrist, go home. but, getting sectioned? what the hell was the police thinking? it makes me so mad
I hate it.
The more it progresses, the more afraid I become.
I'm super vulnerable right now.
They can basically do whatever they want and I don't think I have any real recourse.
It feels like I'm being restrained because I'm just different, awkward.
If anything?
*This* kind of experience is what would make me want to do actually ctb.

I don't feel safe.
Even if I don't hurt people, even if I don't break any laws.
Because society doesn't want me to exist the way I am.
At least death would keep me safe from being locked away and abused.
I'm so stupid for letting this happen to me.
I REALLY had to do better with the chaplain conversation.
It's so dumb of me, I let myself be drawn in by all the nice comforting speak.
 
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F&Inside

F&Inside

🌊🌊🌊
Aug 9, 2023
160
My goodness, I am sorry for everything that is happening to you my friend.
Those people should help you or leave you alone, not scare you like that.
You deserve to be treated well.
I wish you to get out of this situation as soon as possible.
 
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claraisnotcarol

claraisnotcarol

from dust to dust
Oct 4, 2023
111
their behavior is so contradictory. they just take a girl from the road, in a very aggressive way and get her sanctioned and you would suppose that, since they did that against your will, they would be at least protective of you or paying you attention.
but no. seriously this guys just put you in a hospital to don't care, like it's their job so they don't have the need to feel any empathy.
they really think we suicidal people are batshit crazy so they feel entitled to do whatever they want
 
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LonelyKitten

LonelyKitten

Seeking one final escape
Aug 13, 2023
284
I think it's over.
They are keeping me (Section 2).
I think I'm gonna lose my freedom forever.

They keep trying to gaslight me into talking more.
Everything I say is twisted and I won't be let go.
They want more and more information like my medical contacts in Germany and I'm terrified I'll be stuck in Germany in a mental hospital.
There is no place I fear more.

I am scared this is like my trauma as a child but this time I see no way out.
I was in a mental hospital for 3 months when I came out as trans, that ruined the whole rest of my life.
I didn't have any mental health issues back then.
I just wanted to transition.
That experience was what set me on this never-ending trauma.

What the hell do I do to escape this do I have to try to ctb in a ward??
That's horrific it would never work anyway.
It's like a cycle I keep getting more distressed but the more I talk the worse, the more I shut down the worse because I get more and more distressed.
I can't handle not knowing I can leave.

This is torture and I want it to stop.
*This situation* makes me want to ctb, but if I told them that they'll just escalate it further.

I think my dream of a safe, trauma-free life or death has been shattered.
I hate having been born in Germany. I hate it.
What a horrible existence.
 
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DeadManLiving

DeadManLiving

Ticketholder
Sep 9, 2022
247
Lying is NOT a crime, unless you are testifying in a under oath lying in a position of authority such as if you're a detective and uptime to conceal evidence (perjury/obstruction), or make Fulton's leading statements in a Federal inquiry (§ 1001 Indictment).

Lying is your only way out of the situation, and telling the truth is only going to make it worse. I don't know what country you're in, but you do have the right to hearing before an administrative law judge within 72 hours who will adjudicate or dispose your matter depending on the facts, and during such a hearing you are entitled to an attorney at no cost since you're not permitted to represent yourself during a civil commitment proceeding.

I don't know what the exact specific facts are in your case or what exactly was the incident or statement that you or others made that would give rise to the belief that you would be danger to yourself if not restrained or if you are being sectioned as a a consequence of another matter.

If you want to get out of there you need to lie your way out and blend in is a normal subject, or get an attorney.
Lying is NOT a crime, unless you are testifying in a under oath lying in a position of authority such as if you're a detective and uptime to conceal evidence (perjury/obstruction), or make Fulton's leading statements in a Federal inquiry (§ 1001 Indictment).

Lying is your only way out of the situation, and telling the truth is only going to make it worse. I don't know what country you're in, but you do have the right to hearing before an administrative law judge within 72 hours who will adjudicate or dispose your matter depending on the facts, and during such a hearing you are entitled to an attorney at no cost since you're not permitted to represent yourself during a civil commitment proceeding.

I don't know what the exact specific facts are in your case or what exactly was the incident or statement that you or others made that would give rise to the belief that you would be danger to yourself if not restrained or if you are being sectioned as a a consequence of another matter.

If you want to get out of there you need to lie your way out and blend in is a normal subject, or get an attorney.

Also, how are you posting online right now? They usually take away your phone. It could be the fact that on this site and disclosing all of this information that's possibly being monitored. Are you using the facility's Wi-Fi to be on this site?
Lying is NOT a crime, unless you are testifying in a under oath lying in a position of authority such as if you're a detective and uptime to conceal evidence (perjury/obstruction), or make Fulton's leading statements in a Federal inquiry (§ 1001 Indictment).

Lying is your only way out of the situation, and telling the truth is only going to make it worse. I don't know what country you're in, but you do have the right to hearing before an administrative law judge within 72 hours who will adjudicate or dispose your matter depending on the facts, and during such a hearing you are entitled to an attorney at no cost since you're not permitted to represent yourself during a civil commitment proceeding.

I don't know what the exact specific facts are in your case or what exactly was the incident or statement that you or others made that would give rise to the belief that you would be danger to yourself if not restrained or if you are being sectioned as a a consequence of another matter.

If you want to get out of there you need to lie your way out and blend in is a normal subject, or get an attorney.

Also, how are you posting online right now? They usually take away your phone. It could be the fact that on this site and disclosing all of this information that's possibly being monitored. Are you using the facility's Wi-Fi to be on this site?
 
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avaruus

avaruus

loser · gone very soon
Aug 17, 2022
560
Thank y'all again for the support :heart:
This is still hard and scary but at least I'm not fully alone.
I'll try my best to incorporate your respective advices to find a solution.
Gonna have to talk well.

Managed to fall asleep for like 2-3 hours.
Woke up at 7 AM.
I feel worse and worse the more time passes.
Passed out again, now it's 12:13 PM.

The 2 police officers watching me at all times switch every, 6 or so hours?
This is the fourth pair, and they are *pissed*.
I'm not sure if at me, but they keep complaining that the medical staff isn't "showing up", "hurrying up", or in general just resolving the situation, like they hate they have to be here.

A hospital staff member did show up just now, and I was given more info:
They told me they can only hold me 24 hours.
There is a 12 hour extension, but they said to me can only invoke it for "certain" reasons, like if I needed medical intervention, had injuries, did self-harm, took unauthorized medication or smth.
Said my assessment will happen until 11 PM (24-hour mark in my case) or they have to let me go.
And then that assessment, apparently 2 psychs 1 social worker, decides what happens next.
Maybe this info is useful if someone else is sectioned (this is a 136 section specifically, btw).


This is in the UK. I'm not 100 % sure but I doubt anything like this would play out back in the US.
Uh, well, they found me outside walking at deep night. I was having a good time outside in nature tbh, it was nice.
Listening to music, checking out the night environment, taking pictures.
Felt free and all.
I was not outwardly exhibiting any suicidal or self-harm behaviors, from the outside it was primarily "unusual" (like, to the average person).
I was in an area where mainly only cars went, but during the interactions I was assured repeatedly I wasn't committing any crimes by being there.

Out of the blue I got stopped by a car with "chaplains".
I tried a lot to leave and stop the conversation, or avoid giving identifying info, but I guess I botched it.
I think my hesitations and omissions made them more suspicious.
They escalated to calling police (without letting me know, but tbh I saw one of them suddenly talk on the phone in the car, so I figured at that point), and eventually the whole interaction got me sectioned.
I never outright said anything about self-harm or ctb.

I was also quite direct, many times over, about wanting to leave and checking whether I'm being detained/arrested, or in which case I might be.
But again, I may have simply butchered the interaction somewhere along the way.
I don't discount that I didn't know what to do.
Sorry i might be a bit slow, but what exatcly are they suspecting you of? If you never did any crime, just mild trespassing, why would they suspect anything related to CTB?
Surely they told you a reason for why you got placed under surveillance?
 
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F&Inside

F&Inside

🌊🌊🌊
Aug 9, 2023
160
I don't think you are going to lose your freedom forever, don't get down on yourself, breathe and try not to lose your temper and talk to them calmly.
 
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S

SVEN

Enlightened
Apr 3, 2023
1,234
The reason the cops attended will be because of something the "Street Chaplains" have reported, I imagine. At that point all they (the Police) are interested in is covering their backs in case they take no action and you then harm yourself or someone else.
Having no medical qualifications, they are empowered to remove you to a place of safety where you can be detained for psychiatric evaluation.
As long as you remain coherent and present no threat to yourself or others it is most unlikely in the UK that you would be detained under a Mental Health Order. What is more likely is that they will attempt to get you to agree to enter a ward (if space is available) as a voluntary patient. Trust me, if you agree, once you're in the system getting out can be challenging.
 
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backtoearth

backtoearth

<3
Sep 9, 2023
115
I'm so sorry this is happening to you, I can't start to imagine how scary it must be <3

I can't give much advice because I have luckily only been in A&E voluntarily but I am sending you so much love and I hope this ends for you soon so you can feel free again. This is such a horrible way to treat someone, our system is completely fucked, I will be thinking of you
 
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LonelyKitten

LonelyKitten

Seeking one final escape
Aug 13, 2023
284
Also, how are you posting online right now? They usually take away your phone. It could be the fact that on this site and disclosing all of this information that's possibly being monitored. Are you using the facility's Wi-Fi to be on this site?
They'll take away my phone??
How on earth would I cope then.
So far under police custody (Section 136) they haven't taken anything except Aspirin.
I am using mobile data/wifi but I use VPN when I go to this website.

I did ask about rights but uh, was told that until I'm officially in the ward, I can't appeal, the 28 days of Section 2 won't start, and I can't get an independent advocate until then.
They said no beds are free right now, but I'll be transported to a ward at some point.

136 is over, so now I'm in limbo until that transport happens.
So the police have left, but I'm told if I leave the hospital, police will be called to grab me back.
I'd probably be treated quite worse if I tried that.

Tbh, the police officers at least talked and engaged with me. Quite friendly.
The medical staff is cold, clinical.
Pretty much every minor detail of anything I do since I got here has been questioned.
Once I go to the ward they'll most definitely take all the rest of my stuff, I won't even have my headphones (music is my main coping mechanism).

Sorry i might be a bit slow, but what exatcly are they suspecting you of? If you never did any crime, just mild trespassing, why would they suspect anything related to CTB?
Surely they told you a reason for why you got placed under surveillance?
ngl? I was outside on the road to Beachy Head at like, 9 PM in the dark.
Yeah, ik how that sounds on paper.
Whether I was actually gonna 100 % ctb?
Up in the air.
Booked a spontaneous af trip.
Things had been getting worse in my life, and I have hit sort of a vantage point.
I own a few methods, but struggled to settle on a final decision yet, it's too damn abstract.
So fuck it, why not put it in front of me?
I hate thinking endlessly, action, seeing things for real, gets my brain rolling.
Put it right in front of me, vividly, and I will know the moment of truth.
Could've seen the ocean and high cliffs at night, and then at day.
It was already very therapeutic to walk through nature on the way there.
Maybe if I saw the ocean, that beautiful sight...
Perhaps that's what I'd need to start pulling myself up, try a big change.
Or I would have jumped, and then it's done.
But er... Yeah I got stopped by chaplains abruptly on the way, and couldn't wiggle my way out of *that*, probably because the raw facts just suck, probably SI in there.
That's why I say, and know, it was honestly my fault.
I needed to put more effort into masking the trip for potential interference.
curse of acting on instinct.

So now?
I fear being re-traumatized, re-victimized.
Mental hospitals are horrifying, and I despise that I'm forever condemned to be at risk of them because of what happened when I was a child.
I'm still having to deal with the consequences of that, no one else is.
I see no reason to live an endless victim with no agency. Just disgusting.
I had considered accepting help because a part of me believed it could still exist (mainly I wanna feel safe again after all), but that was merely delusional of me.
I seek to attempt at the earliest next opportunity, ideally before this all escalates further and further.

I know you're not supposed to attempt in a ward, but I have zero capacity to mask atm.
I keep breaking down crying in fear.
Right now, I'm under the least amount of supervision possible, only one sleepy nurse, and a whole private room to myself.

So those methods I mentioned earlier?
Inside my suitcase.
(Scalpel, cornhole bags + t-rex tape)
I'm followed into the bathroom, and staff peers and keeps the door slightly open, but I may be able to slip the scalpel in.
If I tried to cut my arms' arteries up frantically and a lot... could that work?
I feel like inside an ER that would be extremely stupid. I don't like it.

Here's another thought.
I have cornhole bags.
Obvs can't use the tape, unless I snuck into the bathroom, but maybe I can inconspicously enough night-night with them because they look kinda like pillows?

I wonder if the bags could do it.
The nurse is falling asleep, the lights are off.
My bed is made.
This is ironically a prime timing.
If I actually do it correctly, I think she would not notice fast enough.
Without tape though... it wouldn't work, right?
Sleeping and not waking up again sounds so damn nice right now.
 
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Foreverix

Foreverix

Aeternum Vale
Sep 18, 2023
204
28 days? Jesus. Is this mental health or incarceration?

Bide your time. You have limited means, and you're in a place that prioritizes preserving life. Perhaps after transport and settling in, you'll be more capable of masking and advocating out?
 
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LonelyKitten

LonelyKitten

Seeking one final escape
Aug 13, 2023
284
28 days? Jesus. Is this mental health or incarceration?
So I don't know incarceration, but my concept is that this is that, except instead of everyone hating you, everyone gaslights you 24/7.
Also you have even less rights, and are taken even less seriously.
Not to minimize anyone who's gone through that. That's just what I know about this.

Bide your time. You have limited means, and you're in a place that prioritizes preserving life. Perhaps after transport and settling in, you'll be more capable of masking and advocating out?
I know I should start playing that side as best I can. Just terrible at it.
The trauma comes through, but I think they actually just use it as more justification for holding me?
"you went to a mental hospital before"
Like a record, I guess.
Except when you ask if it is, they'll say it isn't.
Can't trust, but can't be untrusting, either ?_?
It makes no sense.

... I'll keep trying to look for cracks in security, and prep it up I guess.
As long as I keep my phone, I can pre-schedule messages if I'm attempting, and have some limited means of safeguarding my sanity.
 
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vitbar

vitbar

Escaped Lunatic
Jun 4, 2023
307
The 2 police officers watching me at all times switch every, 6 or so hours?
This is the fourth pair, and they are *pissed*.
I'm not sure if at me, but they keep complaining that the medical staff isn't "showing up", "hurrying up", or in general just resolving the situation, like they hate they have to be here.
I can possibly shed some light on this. All the public services rely on each other in one way or another. They've all gone to shit with the Conservatives in power and so you'll find bitterness where the services no longer work well together.
 
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