I have finally reached a point where I am joyful at the thought of dying. This last brief period seems like such a bright time, where I can make the most of my final days. I hope I can maintain that feeling for the rest of my preparation. Prior to this I had this unbelievably horrible sick sensation that would creep up and down my spine, all my hair would stand on end and I'd weep for most of the day, shaking, tunnel vision, constant cold sweats. The fear, the regret, the loathing, with no way out… Maybe the stress broke something inside me. Now I have none of that, and a way out. But I can feel those old feelings like a void just beneath the surface. I don't want to fall back in.
I think it's finally set in that I can actually relax. I don't have to pay attention to any of the noise anymore. No more elections, no more dwindling support networks, no more family death, financial struggle or toiling for the rest of my life toward goals I don't believe in. I can listen to the world now, and return to her when it's time
I think it's finally set in that I can actually relax. I don't have to pay attention to any of the noise anymore. No more elections, no more dwindling support networks, no more family death, financial struggle or toiling for the rest of my life toward goals I don't believe in. I can listen to the world now, and return to her when it's time
Last edited:
