It becomes more and more of a burden. I am so lonely but these meetings don't help. Compared to them I am such a wreck. They have rather vanilla problems.
The last time we talked about ex partners. I almost died. I felt extremely ashamed to not have been in a relationship at my age. I felt slightly attracted to another member of the group. This is the second time this happened. I think I will never try it again with a woman at college or even real life. Due to my psychosis I am so fucking bad at interpreting people facial expressions etc. Maybe I have autism and this also contributes to that.
I am so fucking done. The self-help group is a college self-help group and it reminds me of going back to college. It makes me so fucking anxious and suicidal. College was such a living nightmare. I don't know how I stomached all of the pain. I am way too ill for going to college. I also don't know whether I should communicate to my support network that the clinic stay changed almost nothing with my intentions to kill myself. They all have so high expectations. My ass nothing changed.
I use dating apps/ websites but they suck ass if you are a man who does not look like a model. Also in the clinic noone interested me. I am doomed to loneliness forever. In that self-help group noone struggles as much as me. I am on the edge of suicide. I opened up about that twice but I stopped myself because the others were kind of shocked. The other people in this group have issues like "Oh damn I postpone working on my bachelor or master thesis all the time." Bro I am dying. I study part-time, have acomplished almost nothing, will never be able to work, my family pressues me. And I am seriously considering to kill myself in October before I have to go back to college. College triggers the shit out of me. I was close to collapsing. I prefer being dead over college. I don't know how to make that clear in front of my parents. I simply give up. Nothing in this world is worth that sort of self torture. I have insanely high expectation on me. My self-hatred is through the roof. Noone would have endured this torture hell more than one semester. I made it through 5 semester. Mentally I deteriorated in an insane way. The torment was as bad that my mind started delusions to imagine someone saving me from this hell.
But even so many somatic issues emerged. The clinic was shocked about my condition when went there.
I don't know what to do. Today I read David Foster Wallace Brief Interviews with Hideous Man again. This guy was such a genius. I also read "Suicide as a sort of present" again. He was also a lonely island full of self-hatred. However, in contrast to me he was very successful with women and was a rich ass motherfucker. (and famou)
The last time we talked about ex partners. I almost died. I felt extremely ashamed to not have been in a relationship at my age. I felt slightly attracted to another member of the group. This is the second time this happened. I think I will never try it again with a woman at college or even real life. Due to my psychosis I am so fucking bad at interpreting people facial expressions etc. Maybe I have autism and this also contributes to that.
I am so fucking done. The self-help group is a college self-help group and it reminds me of going back to college. It makes me so fucking anxious and suicidal. College was such a living nightmare. I don't know how I stomached all of the pain. I am way too ill for going to college. I also don't know whether I should communicate to my support network that the clinic stay changed almost nothing with my intentions to kill myself. They all have so high expectations. My ass nothing changed.
I use dating apps/ websites but they suck ass if you are a man who does not look like a model. Also in the clinic noone interested me. I am doomed to loneliness forever. In that self-help group noone struggles as much as me. I am on the edge of suicide. I opened up about that twice but I stopped myself because the others were kind of shocked. The other people in this group have issues like "Oh damn I postpone working on my bachelor or master thesis all the time." Bro I am dying. I study part-time, have acomplished almost nothing, will never be able to work, my family pressues me. And I am seriously considering to kill myself in October before I have to go back to college. College triggers the shit out of me. I was close to collapsing. I prefer being dead over college. I don't know how to make that clear in front of my parents. I simply give up. Nothing in this world is worth that sort of self torture. I have insanely high expectation on me. My self-hatred is through the roof. Noone would have endured this torture hell more than one semester. I made it through 5 semester. Mentally I deteriorated in an insane way. The torment was as bad that my mind started delusions to imagine someone saving me from this hell.
But even so many somatic issues emerged. The clinic was shocked about my condition when went there.
I don't know what to do. Today I read David Foster Wallace Brief Interviews with Hideous Man again. This guy was such a genius. I also read "Suicide as a sort of present" again. He was also a lonely island full of self-hatred. However, in contrast to me he was very successful with women and was a rich ass motherfucker. (and famou)
