quietwater
delusional poet
- May 2, 2023
- 97
I've always felt dirty in someway, maybe because I knew that ever since I was a child my existence was "compromised", that I wasn't "pure" as a child should be, because my family dirtied me, because my mother didn't really want me.
Growing up this dirtiness I felt in my sould projected on my body, and I started to be obsessed with cleaning myself.
I didn't care of cleaning the outside world, I cared about purifying ME.
And I still care.
I wash my hands so much skin has started to crack there, I have little "cuts" on my fingers, and I can't go outside (or even stay in my house sometimes) without gloves. It doesn't matter how much I clean myself, how much I try to improve as a person in general, because I will never get clean.
I hurt everyone I get close to, and I contaminate everything I touch. I am repulsed by touching ANYTHING because I am scared of "infecting" it with my dirtiness.
This may-july I had started programming alarms to ring every 30 minutes and reminding me of washing my hands if I didn't already, then I stopped since mid July. I don't know why, I just let go for a bit. But now it's back and seeing my hand wounds re-open is sending me on edge, I can't do this again.
The character in my profile icon here is a character from a game who struggles with something similar and whom I relate to a lot, but I suppose playing again that game didn't help me overcome this. It offered me comfort, but I relapsed even if I was comforted and understood there.
My fingers are the proof that I am corrupted, and I can't change this.
My room is a mess, everything outside is a mess, but I don't see the point in fixing the outside if it's ME that destroys it.
If a disease is infecting people, you try to stop it and eradicate it, you don't kill the infected.
I see myself exactly like a disease, and I can't be eradicate with soap and detergent.
Growing up this dirtiness I felt in my sould projected on my body, and I started to be obsessed with cleaning myself.
I didn't care of cleaning the outside world, I cared about purifying ME.
And I still care.
I wash my hands so much skin has started to crack there, I have little "cuts" on my fingers, and I can't go outside (or even stay in my house sometimes) without gloves. It doesn't matter how much I clean myself, how much I try to improve as a person in general, because I will never get clean.
I hurt everyone I get close to, and I contaminate everything I touch. I am repulsed by touching ANYTHING because I am scared of "infecting" it with my dirtiness.
This may-july I had started programming alarms to ring every 30 minutes and reminding me of washing my hands if I didn't already, then I stopped since mid July. I don't know why, I just let go for a bit. But now it's back and seeing my hand wounds re-open is sending me on edge, I can't do this again.
The character in my profile icon here is a character from a game who struggles with something similar and whom I relate to a lot, but I suppose playing again that game didn't help me overcome this. It offered me comfort, but I relapsed even if I was comforted and understood there.
My fingers are the proof that I am corrupted, and I can't change this.
My room is a mess, everything outside is a mess, but I don't see the point in fixing the outside if it's ME that destroys it.
If a disease is infecting people, you try to stop it and eradicate it, you don't kill the infected.
I see myself exactly like a disease, and I can't be eradicate with soap and detergent.
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