Venting I am a plague

[apeaceofmind]

basically what the title says. i am a plague on everyone and everything around me and the only thing i end up doing is to make it worse. i am supposed to be relied on but i am constantly convincing myself i am being used. i dont have many words to express what is going on in my head but it makes me physically nauseous. i am rotting away inside and out. mentally and physically. i am looking for attention i want to be killed. im too ashamed to kill myself so i want someone else to end it for me. i want everything i deserve nothing i am on the most literal and physical level possible - totally losing my fucking mind. i am a borderline hysterical misanthropist and i wish we could all be nuked to hell. i dont know if my head can be fixed and i dont even know if i want it to be fixed. i dont plan on dying and i dont plan on living either. i am rotting away as a plague on the world.

EDIT:
its been a few hours and ive been working a bit getting some things done. i hate bpd so much it is unreal, i am feeling better. emotions fluctuate between suicidal hatred and a decent mediocre. i am embarrassed i made this post. it seems to help venting into the void. thank you for reading this before. i sure as hell barely read anything myself, such a hypocrite. the one thing that keeps me sane i think seems to be music. drowning out the screaming in my head seems to calm me down. i think my cats are nice too. i feel drained from daily life though. i cant seem to keep up with normal events and situations like others can, its too stressful trying to think let alone problem solve 24/7. i feel every possible emotion all the time at once and i dont seem to be able to understand how im supposed to feel, and with that.....

The only thing i seem to do is sabotage my life because hurting myself with drugs and no sleep and addictions and bad habits and forced loneliness is the closest thing i can have to death; slowly, painfully, rotting away.

I am tired. i love sleeping and hate going to bed.

 

[TBONTB]

Sounds like you are in a hard place. I have a close family memeber with BPD plus more and your sorrow makes me hurt for you and for them. I send you hopes for peaceful healing.

 

[Lexandro]

Vent away, many people here will read it, yours word are not going unheard. Many of the things you mention I, and I'm sure, many people will relate with.

Things we fell and have to endure do not make us a plague, I have felt this many times at my worse times, but thankfully they pass and it becomes less.

Please never be embarrassed to come here and share your thoughts, its an extremley hard and brave thing to do in my opinion. Thank you for sharing them with us and I hope you will get something from your posts. Sometimes just writing down what's in our thoughts can bring some relief.