apeaceofmind
i hope this world burns away
- Jan 31, 2024
- 25
basically what the title says. i am a plague on everyone and everything around me and the only thing i end up doing is to make it worse. i am supposed to be relied on but i am constantly convincing myself i am being used. i dont have many words to express what is going on in my head but it makes me physically nauseous. i am rotting away inside and out. mentally and physically. i am looking for attention i want to be killed. im too ashamed to kill myself so i want someone else to end it for me. i want everything i deserve nothing i am on the most literal and physical level possible - totally losing my fucking mind. i am a borderline hysterical misanthropist and i wish we could all be nuked to hell. i dont know if my head can be fixed and i dont even know if i want it to be fixed. i dont plan on dying and i dont plan on living either. i am rotting away as a plague on the world.
EDIT:
its been a few hours and ive been working a bit getting some things done. i hate bpd so much it is unreal, i am feeling better. emotions fluctuate between suicidal hatred and a decent mediocre. i am embarrassed i made this post. it seems to help venting into the void. thank you for reading this before. i sure as hell barely read anything myself, such a hypocrite. the one thing that keeps me sane i think seems to be music. drowning out the screaming in my head seems to calm me down. i think my cats are nice too. i feel drained from daily life though. i cant seem to keep up with normal events and situations like others can, its too stressful trying to think let alone problem solve 24/7. i feel every possible emotion all the time at once and i dont seem to be able to understand how im supposed to feel, and with that.....
The only thing i seem to do is sabotage my life because hurting myself with drugs and no sleep and addictions and bad habits and forced loneliness is the closest thing i can have to death; slowly, painfully, rotting away.
I am tired. i love sleeping and hate going to bed.
EDIT:
its been a few hours and ive been working a bit getting some things done. i hate bpd so much it is unreal, i am feeling better. emotions fluctuate between suicidal hatred and a decent mediocre. i am embarrassed i made this post. it seems to help venting into the void. thank you for reading this before. i sure as hell barely read anything myself, such a hypocrite. the one thing that keeps me sane i think seems to be music. drowning out the screaming in my head seems to calm me down. i think my cats are nice too. i feel drained from daily life though. i cant seem to keep up with normal events and situations like others can, its too stressful trying to think let alone problem solve 24/7. i feel every possible emotion all the time at once and i dont seem to be able to understand how im supposed to feel, and with that.....
The only thing i seem to do is sabotage my life because hurting myself with drugs and no sleep and addictions and bad habits and forced loneliness is the closest thing i can have to death; slowly, painfully, rotting away.
I am tired. i love sleeping and hate going to bed.
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