Venting I am a piece of shit for being an incel

[monkeyfff]

There I said it! No hiding, no playing safe and being fake and deceiving you guys. I am an incel. I am a piece of shit for it and I deserve the worst things to happen to me.

This won't be about this diseased identity, but rather about why it makes me in particular a piece of shit.

This is what I always tell myself: "I am an ugly, unattractive, incompetent, unintelligent, unconfident and unmasculine black incel". Everything stems from this. It's how I can assert that I am subhuman. It's how I know I am inferior. That's how I know I am a bad person. It's where the hatred, frustration, envy, evilness, hypocrisy, entitlement and most importantly the fragility comes from.

I deserve this. It honestly doesn't even matter to me anymore if it is because of my genetics (blackpill), personality (bluepill) or lack of a grind mindset (redpill). I JUST DON'T CARE ANYMORE!

I deserve to die, I need to die, I want to die. It would be better for everyone including me. Gone is this hateful monkey! Gone is this undesirable half-human gremlin-looking ass, dumb-looking ass, pathetic-looking ass inferior organism!

Look, I am sorry for what I am. I never wanted to be this. I feel so bad being this. I cry and I cry because I know. I know what you think of me. It is extra tough when you are also black. So not only am I an incel but I am also of the most impoverished, unintelligent violent race on earth. It's utterly pathetic.

It's weird, I am so passive, so invisible, so weak and yet I blame, I point fingers, I put responsibility on anyone but myself except of course when it comes to my immutable traits. "Oh you aren't tall enough... Your fault!", "Oh you don't have hunter eyes... Your fault!", "oh you don't have a good jawline... Your fault!", "Oh you are black... You guessed it, your fucking fault!".

I want to end on this notion: I am really sorry for what I am. If I had superpowers I would eradicate inceldom from everyone's mind who's infected by it. I really would. I don't want to be this, but I am this. Perhaps this ties back to my world view of predestination. "Everything has already been decided from the start of the beginning. This is just one of the many chain reactions of that first moment. We are just on ride so either enjoy it or don't, that was already determined anyways."

I would gladly be exterminated.

 

[alwayspissedoff]

as long as you don't hate women and do bad things to them or any person, you're not inherently bad for considering yourself an involuntary celibate (I mean the original definition).
I'm only reading self hatred, which I also deal with quite a lot.
do know that if you are a good person to people, you also deserve people to be good to you, no matter what physical traits you may have.

and if you are indeed a bad incel, I see that you hate being it. maybe you should reconsider and start working towards being a better person, many more people would like you that way.

 

[monkeyfff]

as long as you don't hate women and do bad things to them or any person, you're not inherently bad for considering yourself an involuntary celibate (I mean the original definition).

I don't know, it's weird. I do have contempt and resentment towards women in an almost abstract sense. Individually and in real life I don't real act, think or see women through hate but rather superiority. It's a weird perspective because you start believing you are worth less to them, you are inferior to them and so your hatred feels justified and it feels like punching up and not down and that's the trap.

I am also a bit of a catastropher, self-victimizer, "woe is me" person. I see myself as filth and beneath everyone including women and yet when I am home alone in my dark bedroom the hate starts. It's like fighting ghosts. You don't even see or experience them but think you do and react accordingly. Imaginary battles basically.

I also don't even know if I am a true incel in any way, shape or form. I am so passive. I do literally nothing, I don't try, I don't want to try yet I yearn for something which realistically needs anything to happen. That's why I know I am a piece of shit. I am wrong about it yet I think I deserve it and I am stuck in a perpetual self-sabotaging spiral.

and if you are indeed a bad incel, I see that you hate being it. maybe you should reconsider and start working towards being a better person, many more people would like you that way.

I have things going on to try to make change occur and all the hatred is always directed towards myself. I want to personally hurt no one ever, no men or women.

Thank you for your time, I appreciate it.

 

[heal]

I have a lot of thoughts I'd like to share, but they'll have to wait until have more time to write them out. In the meantime, I want you to know you are heard, and there is more understanding in the world than you may know.

I do not think any of the things you expressed make you inherently bad or undeserving of care. The only things I felt reading your post were sympathy, empathy, and pity that your experiences informed your self-worth and perspective so harshly.

Until I have the opportunity to reply more properly, I hope this initial response might offer you some of the understanding and care I wish to impart.

 

[Passenger4224]

So much pain in a few paragraphs. I'm very sorry you are suffering so much and are stuck as someone you aren't happy with. It's the most torturous feeling.

 

[monkeyfff]

I have a lot of thoughts I'd like to share, but they'll have to wait until have more time to write them out. In the meantime, I want you to know you are heard, and there is more understanding in the world than you may know.

I do not think any of the things you expressed make you inherently bad or undeserving of care. The only things I felt reading your post were sympathy, empathy, and pity that your experiences informed your self-worth and perspective so harshly.

Until I have the opportunity to reply more properly, I hope this initial response might offer you some of the understanding and care I wish to impart.

So much pain in a few paragraphs. I'm very sorry you are suffering so much and are stuck as someone you aren't happy with. It's the most torturous feeling.

All I can say to you guys is thank you for your understanding and time. It's more than I expected, so know that I hold it dearly.