I hate the way men have changed the way they speak to me. Up to the age of 25, men would salivate over me like a piece of meat, trip over themselves to be nice to me and go out of their way to talk to me. I knew there was a clock over my head and I clambered to try and find a partner and settle down before I age. But I failed because I couldn't work it all out in time because there is so much to learn and no one tells you what to do. They just throw you to the wolves and expect you to "figure it out." Well I didn't figure it out in time - I failed. I was used for sex. My low self esteem and avoidance issues and disgust with men which I learned from my upbringing meant that I pushed away the good attractive men. And I kept around all the users.
Now I am turning 30. Men look through me like I'm invisible. Men are staring at the younger women and being nice to them now and I am brushed off and ignored because I'm not young and hot anymore. So my options are: 1) settle for a man who can't get a young hot woman who I wouldn't have touched with a stick in my prime because hes unatttactive to me - I refuse to do this 2) live my life to the best of my ability, use dating apps and pray an atttactive man saves me from spinsterhood and childlessness. I don't believe its possible at my age. And even if it is, I would probably hate and resent him for being more physically attracted to much younger girls and choosing me because those girls are too immature for him. And because of this, I am miserable and bitter which makes my personality unattractive which pushes men away even more or 3) ctb. Loads of women do it at this age for this reason but no one will admit the problem is real. But it is real. I'm tired of being gaslit. "You're just as hot as you used to be. You're hotter now" my friend lies. "Women are hotter the older they get," "men who go for younger women in their 20s are pedophiles," "men who care about looks are shallow," the internet lies, my friend lies. "Its your vibe, not your age or appearance," my friend lies.
Everyone hates me for being suicidal about this. Apparently you are not allowed to be suicidal unless its for a socially acceptable reason. Loneliness, singleness, childlessness, unattractive appearance aren't socially acceptable reasons. Everyone will deny your problems exist. And when you are sad about it, they don't care. "Just stay single," "just lower your standards," they say as they marry their partners and start their families or as they numb themselves with antidepressants and other addictions to cope with their disappointing lives or as they settle for awful men and use cognitive dissonance to convince themselves they actually want that loser. "That can't have been the real reason she killed herself. She must have had mental illnesses" they say as huge numbers of women kill themselves for the exact same reason. No one listens. No one cares.
I don't want to get out of bed anymore because I know what men are really like. How they fall over themselves and rush to wife up a young girl. And how they will treat you like a man if you dare to age past 25. In a world where women are valued for their youth and beauty first followed by their personality afterwards, I have zero value and I don't want to leave my bed anymore and be around men salivating over teenage girls while ignoring their peers and couples who either love each other or who settled because the woman was old and the man unattractive in every way.
I also don't have close friends anymore. 2 friends of mine who I would love to be close to keep pushing me away and spending all of their free time with their partners or occasionally their other friends but not me. I don't talk about this stuff with them 2 and I try to maintain a positive vibe but they just don't like me as much as I like them. I have another friend but we are very different people, she doesn't understand me, she annoys me, we argue a lot and we are just not right for each other. I'm lonely. I wish I had found a partner back when I was young and hot. I wish I had close friends where both sides like each other who I could spend a lot of time with. And I wish I could have kids with someone I am actually attracted to and love as a person but my age is too old and my standards are too high. I went out today and men continued to look through me and brush me off and I saw a man leering at a teenage girl and it reminded me of 4 years ago when I was 25 and men did the same to me and it felt like maybe I might actually make it in life instead of dying alone. But I fucked it. Too much to learn, too little time, no guidance or support from anywhere or anyone. I don't want to get out of bed anymore.
Now I am turning 30. Men look through me like I'm invisible. Men are staring at the younger women and being nice to them now and I am brushed off and ignored because I'm not young and hot anymore. So my options are: 1) settle for a man who can't get a young hot woman who I wouldn't have touched with a stick in my prime because hes unatttactive to me - I refuse to do this 2) live my life to the best of my ability, use dating apps and pray an atttactive man saves me from spinsterhood and childlessness. I don't believe its possible at my age. And even if it is, I would probably hate and resent him for being more physically attracted to much younger girls and choosing me because those girls are too immature for him. And because of this, I am miserable and bitter which makes my personality unattractive which pushes men away even more or 3) ctb. Loads of women do it at this age for this reason but no one will admit the problem is real. But it is real. I'm tired of being gaslit. "You're just as hot as you used to be. You're hotter now" my friend lies. "Women are hotter the older they get," "men who go for younger women in their 20s are pedophiles," "men who care about looks are shallow," the internet lies, my friend lies. "Its your vibe, not your age or appearance," my friend lies.
Everyone hates me for being suicidal about this. Apparently you are not allowed to be suicidal unless its for a socially acceptable reason. Loneliness, singleness, childlessness, unattractive appearance aren't socially acceptable reasons. Everyone will deny your problems exist. And when you are sad about it, they don't care. "Just stay single," "just lower your standards," they say as they marry their partners and start their families or as they numb themselves with antidepressants and other addictions to cope with their disappointing lives or as they settle for awful men and use cognitive dissonance to convince themselves they actually want that loser. "That can't have been the real reason she killed herself. She must have had mental illnesses" they say as huge numbers of women kill themselves for the exact same reason. No one listens. No one cares.
I don't want to get out of bed anymore because I know what men are really like. How they fall over themselves and rush to wife up a young girl. And how they will treat you like a man if you dare to age past 25. In a world where women are valued for their youth and beauty first followed by their personality afterwards, I have zero value and I don't want to leave my bed anymore and be around men salivating over teenage girls while ignoring their peers and couples who either love each other or who settled because the woman was old and the man unattractive in every way.
I also don't have close friends anymore. 2 friends of mine who I would love to be close to keep pushing me away and spending all of their free time with their partners or occasionally their other friends but not me. I don't talk about this stuff with them 2 and I try to maintain a positive vibe but they just don't like me as much as I like them. I have another friend but we are very different people, she doesn't understand me, she annoys me, we argue a lot and we are just not right for each other. I'm lonely. I wish I had found a partner back when I was young and hot. I wish I had close friends where both sides like each other who I could spend a lot of time with. And I wish I could have kids with someone I am actually attracted to and love as a person but my age is too old and my standards are too high. I went out today and men continued to look through me and brush me off and I saw a man leering at a teenage girl and it reminded me of 4 years ago when I was 25 and men did the same to me and it felt like maybe I might actually make it in life instead of dying alone. But I fucked it. Too much to learn, too little time, no guidance or support from anywhere or anyone. I don't want to get out of bed anymore.
