xxAbigailxx
InLoveWithDeath
- Feb 8, 2023
- 65
Sometimes I get better, but somehow I always return here... I have the feeling that I will never be able to delete this part of me and I hate that. My mother would be miserable should I relally kill myself someday... I dont want to hurt her, I dont want to hurt my sister or my brother, but I sometimes hate them for having it so much easier than me. I dont want to have all these problems with my body, I am sick of it (no fucking pun intended). I am always scared that something new will cripple me even more.... I hate every time I have to make a new doctor's appointment because there is something else bothering me, bothering my body, I hate it
I hate complaining, but it never stops, it never gets really easier and I hate being this tense all the time, this stressed, this scared, this hopeless, its so fucking hopeless and I dont want to take my meds anymore, because every year they get more. More pills, more chemicals, more problems, more decisions to make about them
I am not the right person for this, maybe someone else could deal with all of this better, but I cant and dont want to, I hate it and I want it to stop. I feel like a little child throwing a tantrum about something it cant change and it knows that, it knows it cant change anything but throwing a tantrum is better than swallowing it all down because it all just adds up and eventually it would explode anyway
My father wanted an abortion, I cant help but feel like he knew what would develop inside me and even if he didnt, it would have been the right call, maybe the only right call in his life.
I feel dread when I think about my future, about all the appointments I will still have to make. How many pills I will take and how often my sugar will be above the range it should be in.
I am not getting better, I am just sometimes better at lying to myself, but it always comes back and more often than not in a way more intense and worse way. I wanna die mama, I wanna die papa, you should have convinced her to abort me
I hate complaining, but it never stops, it never gets really easier and I hate being this tense all the time, this stressed, this scared, this hopeless, its so fucking hopeless and I dont want to take my meds anymore, because every year they get more. More pills, more chemicals, more problems, more decisions to make about them
I am not the right person for this, maybe someone else could deal with all of this better, but I cant and dont want to, I hate it and I want it to stop. I feel like a little child throwing a tantrum about something it cant change and it knows that, it knows it cant change anything but throwing a tantrum is better than swallowing it all down because it all just adds up and eventually it would explode anyway
My father wanted an abortion, I cant help but feel like he knew what would develop inside me and even if he didnt, it would have been the right call, maybe the only right call in his life.
I feel dread when I think about my future, about all the appointments I will still have to make. How many pills I will take and how often my sugar will be above the range it should be in.
I am not getting better, I am just sometimes better at lying to myself, but it always comes back and more often than not in a way more intense and worse way. I wanna die mama, I wanna die papa, you should have convinced her to abort me
