I always have suicidal thoughts even when happy.

[tadpole54]

This is my first time posting here so I hope I am doing it right. I have suffered depression more than half my life. I have been in and out of hospitals for about twenty years. I have mostly self harmed in multiple ways. Been on lots of different meds. I have overdosed a few times. Things are not that bad in my life right now other than some stress from where I live. I just want to die. I am tired of living and see no purpose in it. I also really feel that with the exception of my brother nobody really cares. Do others feel this way even if you're happy at the moment?

 

[BardBarrie]

Many times when I feel content and happy, I too literally think: "okay, this would be a good time to die."

 

[Sarros]

Whenever I'm ever aware of my own feelings, I want to die. So I do the best I can to distract myself. So when I'm happy, I'm living in the moment. But when it's over, it's like it never happened at all.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

Yeah I get this too. I've had instances where I'm laughing at something funny and then my brain will just go, "I want to die."

 

[ChiseHatori]

Yes, and I think there's a few terms for it. Passive ideation is one, but I'm not sure if it fits.

I actually often find myself thinking of CTB during extreme moods, happy, angry, sad, anything. But it also shows up randomly.