im too clingy and overthink everything. i always feel like I'm not being considerate enough of people's thoughts or feelings and feel like I'm evil and an awful person and it makes me hate myself and want to isolate myself to death. i wish people obsessed over me the same way i obsess over them. im a bad person and i don't deserve love or nice people. i don't exist offline. the minute i put my phone down, i may as well stop existing. i never talk to anyone offline, i never go out anywhere besides work, i don't have any irl friends, so often I'll just turn off my phone and ikk be left laying in bed, being eaten away by reality. just laying there in dark and silence and loneliness. i don't exist, im basically not real. outside of the screen, I'm not a person. someone please just blow my brains out already so i can stop
This post is very real, man.
I have been there. I was very suicidal some time ago.
You really feel like you are no one.
You do your job, go back home, rinse and repeat. You are nothing, no one.
I get the bed-rotting as well. It is horrible.
But you are not a bad person, and you do not deserve bad things.
I hope you realize that.
I am here if you wish to talk.
Sending hugs.
Terms "good" and "bad" are subjective, relative to culture and time period, and incredibly vague. There are no good or evil people. There are just people and the judgements we form about them. We label them as "good" or "bad" because it gives our brain a shortcut to making any judgements with respect to that person. An act could be perceived as being genuine or manipulative depending on which label we assigned to the actor in our mind. It means nothing.
Also, nobody deserves anything. Justice is simply a system we use to justify punishing the people we don't like and for deluding ourselves into thinking that our own "good" will surely be rewarded.
I suggest that you just do what feels right to you and don't question whether you deserve what you get
That sounds very nihilistic and relativistic.
Probably not what OP is expecting.
I imagine he is under a crisis and is dumping all the pain into himself. Hence why the idea that he is a 'bad person'.
When we suffer so much we can think that we deserved all of this.
But this world is a difficult place, and many fall through the cracks of the system.
Even if you have made your fair share of mistakes, you still are not a bad person. I think personal responsibility and systemic critique don't exclude each other, but go hand in hand.
Especially as an adult, finding people is difficult.
I think online relationships have value. But you need to meet people that really value you long term. Our current culture is very shallow in terms of that. People are expendable.
Anyway, I do believe in justice, at least the way I see it.
Your post is interesting though.
(This is a type of issue that's quite complicated to approach, to say the least).
